|
Author |
Dark Waters - May2 (currently 335 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 11:18am |
|
|
AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16431 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Dark Waters by Rushed? Moi? - A team of researchers looking for the fabled Loch Ness Monster come across something far more terrifying. Location: Body of water. Object: Item of advanced or electronic technology. Short, Sci Fi |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
|
|
Revision History (1 edits) |
LC - May 17th, 2021, 9:19pm | | |
|
|
|
|
spesh2k |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 4:09pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
This was well written enough and the atmosphere was good... though I'm not exactly sure if I got the ending. So, the three sailors are now zombies? I don't know, forgive my stupidity. But this went over my head.
-- Michael |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 1 - 17 |
|
|
irish eyes |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 5:16pm |
|
|
January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Well written with the odd spelling mistake "If you make it though the night" THROUGH
I feel the build up was good but then you rushed the ending.
They notice a flash of light, which in turn makes them zombies I guess when they investigate.
Decent entry |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 2 - 17 |
|
|
MarkItZero |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 5:16pm |
|
|
Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Little rough around the edge but nice creepy atmosphere. I think they're searching for the loch ness but then they discover some other terror in the water. And that turns them into White Walker type monsters essentially. It's good that it withholds and keeps you guessing. Just needs a bit more clarity towards the end.
Good effort. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 3 - 17 |
|
|
JEStaats |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 6:11pm |
|
|
Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Another darn good story that just...ends. Damn that 4 page limit!! Some really decent writing here (minus a couple spelling issues) that could be cleaned up to be better. I'm wondering where the plane fits in and the disappearing crew too. Explanation after the reveal, please! |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 4 - 17 |
|
|
eldave1 |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 7:03pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Okay - got it. Looking for Loch Ness and find some darkness that turns them into zombies instead.
Well written for sure - but it ends with me thinking - and??? Like we needed a few more pages.
Also - thought it would be kind of neat if Nessie showed up in those night vision goggles as a LOCH NESS ZOMBIE! |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 5 - 17 |
|
|
Warren |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 7:42pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi writer, Off-center title page, no biggie.
Quoted Text If you make it though the night, show the world what happened here. If there’s anyone to show it. |
I'm not entirely sure what happened here. Pretty good writing but a story that essentially goes nowhere, this needed a lot more than 4 pages unfortunately. All the best. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 6 - 17 |
|
|
Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 7:50pm |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Nice, classic ghosts (?) on a boat story. I like the mystery at the end. Were they always like this? Did the dark reveal them for what they were? Or did the dark change them? Leaves the reader with a sense of unease.
Very nice job! |
|
|
|
Reply: 7 - 17 |
|
|
MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 2:50am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Nice build-up with a rushed ending that had me scratching my head. I would love to see what happens next though and think this would benefit with a few more pages. |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
|
|
|
Reply: 8 - 17 |
|
|
Yuvraj |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 11:52am |
|
|
Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts790 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Nice one. So its the mist that is the real deal here. The writing was short and to the point, so made for a quick read. Good job. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 9 - 17 |
|
|
stevemiles |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:22pm |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Nicely done for the most part though it's too big an idea to be satisfied within the parameters. The room’s just not there to explore and have fun with the concept enough to make it land with any real heft but the potential is there. Would we know they’re a videographer and documentarist from their intros? |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 10 - 17 |
|
|
Spqr |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:41pm |
|
|
Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Nicely creepy story. The only thing I question is the ending where the eyes are large and silvery, and the men's bodies are decaying. Why decaying? Shouldn't their bodies be transforming to match their transformed eyes, instead of falling apart? |
|
|
|
Reply: 11 - 17 |
|
|
SAC |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 9:00pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
I'll give you this -- that was a creepy last image you gave us. Good work. Not too sure how I feel about an excursion to a lake to find a fairy take. I figure, to get the full imapct, perhaps a team like this wouldn't be chasing such a thing. Kinda takes away from the realism of it, but I think you made up for it with the creepy tone. Not great, but had its moments, for sure.
Steve |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 12 - 17 |
|
|
Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 7:50am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Hi Writer
Love the idea of the dark taking them and having to be in the light the whole time (Although you could really have upped the anty with that) Confused with his comment "if there is anyone to show it" does he think this is happening globally?
also wasn't too pleased with the ending of them decaying, I wanted more from where they were disappearing to.
Nice imagination though, didn;t trip on the writing and the atmosphere was great.
|
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 13 - 17 |
|
|
Geezis |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 3:43pm |
|
|
January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
I am Scottish and the Loch Ness monster is real. Ok? It's real. That aside I enjoyed this wee story and I do love an open ending. Would work better as a 10 pager with more back story. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
|
|
|
Reply: 14 - 17 |
|
|