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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Sins & Souls - May2
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Don
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sins & Souls by Bad One - A guy minding his own business is interrupted by a stranger.  Location: Train station. Object: Human body part. Short, Crime.


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Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  May 17th, 2021, 9:28pm
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eldave1
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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First - a few nitty comments:


Quoted Text
The commotion is very light.


Odd phrasing – commotion is or isn’t. Like saying the chaos is very calm.

And this:


Quoted Text
On a bench sits RAY(20s), casually-dressed and fit as an athlete.


Reads better as:

RAY (20s),  casually-dressed, fit as an athlete, sits on a bench.

I think this:


Quoted Text
JOE
You hurt him real bad.

Needs to be Joe (O.S).

Okay - the story - I liked the build-up and the mystery of what was going on with Joe - the typical sinister character lurking.  So you had me very interested.

The ending didn't quite land for me. Straight out revenge punishment. So, for me - a pretty good first three pages - needed something different in the end.




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MarkItZero
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hm, I like the potential here with this showdown between these two secret operatives (I think that's what they are?). I'd rather it be more of the a back and forth power struggle where there's twists and turns. As written, it's a straight up revenge killing.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Cacutshaw
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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It's like the revenge squad from Minding the Gap!

I liked the concept. If I'm correct, it's like if it was a revenge story on a vigilante. Like if Paul Kersey was taken to task.

If that's the case, I would've liked to see a little fight from the vigilante who was tough enough to cut his mugger's fingers off.  But in any case, an interesting idea that I wish were just a little clearer. Good job!
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spesh2k
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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The writing is off, here. There's odd phrasing in the both the dialogue and the description.

And I'm not really sure about the payoff. Just kinda fell flat. The dude was getting mugged and he cut a guys finger off. And now the guy's friends are coming after Ray? I don't know. Something felt like it was missing.

-- Michael


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Spqr
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Well written action, and good dialogue, but Ray elicits no sympathy from the audience because we know nothing about him. What if, on the phone, he's looking at pictures of his family? As for Joe, he goes from an ordinary thug trying to teach a lesson, to a monster without remorse. Every character, no matter how heinous he or she may be, should have one redeeming quality.
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JEStaats
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Oh, boy. That first page set-up seemed like it was going a different direction and I'm glad it turned. Definitely some odd phrasing but I got the message. I had to check to make sure the reveal wasn't going to be a comedy in a public bathroom instead of thriller at a train station.

Needs some cleanup and a little more payoff at the end. Good work, writer.
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LC
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 1:50am Report to Moderator
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A commotion is usually quite a disturbance.
You have the opposite.

I really enjoyed the quietly sinister atmosphere.
Perhaps use the train station more too - travel usually equals needing to get somewhere by a certain time - ticking clock etc.

Nice work. Just give it a bit more, imho.


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Yuvraj
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Could have been more effective to land the ending since its pretty much a straight forward revenge story. Good luck.


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stevemiles
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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Checks the parameters but it needs more of a structured approach to land with any weight.  Joe’s goal is to beat Ray but what are the stakes?  What’s the payoff?  As written, there’s too little to connect us to either character or their situation to come together as a satisfying whole.  A little too surface level for me.


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Geezis
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Straight forward revenge story but the writing is a bit sloppy to be honest. But you still managed to get an entry in so well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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SAC
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

I hung in with this, and your set up wasn't bad at all. But more backstory regarding the situation would have benefitted the story. You clicked the boxes, but not much else in regards to plot, meaning the who and the why. A decent story, but it felt empty without the background.

Steve


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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As I didn't know anything about these two, it was hard to connect or care about either. Sill, killing someone for defending himself in a mugging seems harsh.

I wasn't quite sure what was going on at the end with the two other guys, him placing the finger on the rail track and then counting some money?


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 6:07am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer

Writing and descriptions can be improved a lot, the dialogue also felt a bit basic.

Not really sure what the story was about, I think it needs a bit more context to pull us into it. I didn't feel anything for either character.

What was the relevance of the other two men? and of showing the time?  Showing the time implied some kind of deadline, but I didn't spot one other than a train was coming but I did not know whether it was important he caught it or not

Anyway, best of luck


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure what a light commotion is, wrong word choice?

For me there's too many unanswered questions to really engage with the story, who's finger, why were the men sent after him, who are the other two men at the station, why all that complicated stuff about the finger if he was just gonna snap his neck, all for just a simple mugging?

Think this needs some clarity brought, and the stakes increasing.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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