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It Must Be Something In The Water by Haywood Jabolomey - A peaceful day fishing becomes a struggle for survival when a father and son see something fall out of the sky and into the water... something otherworldly. Location: Body of water. Object: Item of advanced or electronic technology. Short, Sci Fi
Body of water - check. Advanced Tech - GoPro - we'll say check. SciFi - not really. The thing dropped from space (I assume), but really this is just a straight forward creature feature. (Not that I'd mark down for that.) Low budget - also not really. But, still, won't mark down for it.
I thought you did a nice job pulling the thread of the fishing pole through the story. You did a great job establishing it, then paid it off several times. Good work there.
Nit: Pop jumps out of the water and onto the creature's back. The description is just awkward enough that it pulled me out of the story. How does someone jump out of water?
Anyway, I enjoyed the story and it flowed well.
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Solid script. Nice action, good characters. The Go-Pro on the end of the fishing line was cool. I just hope Sam doesn't run into the thing that threw the monster out of the passing spacecraft, because Pop isn't there to protect junior anymore.
A nice little piece about a dad and son goin' fishin' one last time.
Granted, the creature just happens out of the blue, but I guess that's how things do happen sometime. Just make sure you have a scrappy, tough yet earnest old man near you when they do.
I don't know why, but when I read this my mind went straight to The Room haha
Hmmm... Sci Fi?
The first half and second half of this story felt a little disjointed for me, quite a heartfelt one minute and then full creature feature the next. It just felt like it came out of nowhere... and I guess it did.
Cool title page font! As someone who loves doing that, I appreciate it (and the hate you might get from others lol)
Alright, I guess I see the connection between the shark story and him taking on the monster at the end (But is he attacking the monster to save his son, or his beloved fishing rod?)
Alien dropping down is outta left field, the cancer has nothing to do with anything really. Kind of reminds me of Dusk till Dawn where the first and second half are really disjointed (although I did love that movie)
Quoted Text
But Pop jumps out of the water, onto the MONSTER’S back with his knife, plunging it several times into its neck!
Have you tried jumping outta water? The monster is 10 feet tall, I assume his neck is towards the top, how the hell is a 70-year-old man jumping nearly 10 feet straight out of water?
Nice effort, liked the writing, story doesn't quite sit right with me.
I wish it didn't just fall out of the sky, but then what makes it a sci-fi, right? It's still just tacked on to meet the requirements.
The writing's a bit too casual for the tone of this, but the beats are solid. Nice foreshadowing with the story, it's written to an effective ending, and it has some emotion to it. Maybe it would be more effective if the son were the one to jump in the water, a passing of the torch in a trial by fire sort of way.
I's up the weirdness of this, make Pops a little more over-the-top badass. Like the cancer thing, maybe the son is tearing up and Pops tells him to stop being such a pansy.
I love that he jumps up and knifes the monster, the pole appearing at the end, all great. This is cheesy in a very good way so I'd embrace it more.
Great work. I loved the story about killing the shark and the way it circled back at the end. A tense moment when they lowered the Go Pro. Pop is a great hero. Very sharp. Cool title, too.