Queen of the Deep by Marin - A damaged woman takes to the sea to find her true calling. Location: Body of water. Object: Item of advanced or electronic technology.   Short, Thriller, Sci Fi

Hmm...

Some really nice writing on show here but I'm not sure if it really meets the criteria as the trident thing just felt like it was shoehorned in at the end. Plus I'm not exactly sure if it was meant to be sci fi or a thriller. I thought it felt more like fantasy perhaps? Is it a homage of some mythological story? Could just be me not getting it though.

Anyways, good work.

Definitely not low budget. But I liked this one. Not sure I got everything, but the pendant has some kinda Aquaman type power to it? I enjoyed the twist of Rick being hired by the ex-boyfriend to get that pendant back. Didn't really understand the pendant and trident aspect of this. The strength of this was the dialogue, which was very good.

Good work.

-- Michael

Hi writer,

Quoted Text No Mam’.

No, Mam'

Quoted Text ANNA Are you like a Mormon?

I think this needs a comma somewhere to read the way you intend it to.

Really no attempt at all to try keep this low budget. Also would we call this Sci Fi, I'm not so sure.

Good writing and dialogue, okay story that I feel you probably really struggled to get into four pages. Worth expanding after the challenge.

All the best.

There's some really good writing on display here.

But, I don't understand why the trident was on the boat. This guy was hired to get the pendant, right? Why would he also have the trident?

I think the ending killed it for me. I just don't understand the why of it. I look forward to the writer's explanation. It's probably obvious and I just missed something.

Some darn good writing but...the ending. Where did it come from? Is she kin to Aquaman or a siren? Of course the page limit hurt but it all just seemed thrown in at the last moment.

Good banter and all the story telling didn't come off too OTN. Explanation requested later!

The little mermaid!

Great writing although does the pendant fall under the parameter?

I enjoyed this short

Well done

Not low budget and this is a fantasy, but some excellent writing on display. You really need more than 4 pages to get across what you were trying to get across. As it is, the story leaves too many questions unanswered and there isn't enough for the reader to grasp what you were aiming for. I think I get what you were doing and it's very bold and creative, well worth developing outside the challenge.

A for effort, not quite there yet with the execution.  

I didn't see sci-fi here. Liked the twist at the end regarding Rick. Nice effort.

This was really cool but the end felt rushed and just left questions. I think this is one that went over the page count and had to be shortened to fit. Idea was really awesome and writing top notch.

Entertaining read!

Solid writing. Nicely paced set-up with plenty of atmosphere and mystery pulling it along.  In the end it feels like a much bigger story than can be satisfied by the page count - not helped by the abrupt ending. I can’t tell if that’s where it’s supposed to end or not.  Or whether this is her trident and how it all fits together with the hired killer backstory.  Just wish I could make more sense of it all.  Particularly who she is.  Like a female Aquaman or Poseidon?  Keen to hear the writer's intent.

Quoted Text EXT. DOCK – DAY

Use the header opportunity to optimize the info you are giving us – e.g, a RIVER DOCK is so much different in our mind’s eye than an OCEAN DOCK – the header can help set the location.

Okay - so, love your writing style - easy on the eyes and mind.

The ending didn't land for me - thought for sure I was going to see another page.

You know, I think this would make a really great story outside this challenge - the pendant/trident and mermaid stuff all kind of distracted from what was otherwise a tense tale.

I liked this script, but I think Anna too readily told her story to Rick, a complete stranger. Someone who's been through what she has should've learned to keep her mouth shut. The Rick character was believable and his lines were good. But what was the Trident, whatever it is, doing on his boat?

Good script. Feels like a superhero origin story. Wish there was more to it than stealing a pendant and finding a trident, but I loved that Rick turned out to be a scumbag.

Okay, it's an origin story. The Dr. Dolittle gadget lets her communicate with aquatic creatures, and the trident...well, it definitely does stuff.

So she's basically Aquaman now. Or Poseidon, Neptune, Triton, but a woman. Fair enough. It would have helped to explain it just a tad more, to make sure everyone gets to play along.

I like the twist, but really, the last place you ever want to try to get that pendant from her is the ocean. It's a terrible plan. Might as well try to steal the Batmobile from inside the Bat Cave. Logic aside, the writing is quite good, the characters work for me, and it's a fairly original take. Good job.