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Honor Thy Father - May2 (currently 328 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 11:23am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16426 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Honor Thy Father by Todd Robinson - To fulfill their father's last wish, two Giants fans embark on a mission to sneak into Dodgers stadium and curse the plumbing. Location: Public Bathroom. Object: Urn of ashes. Short, Comedy |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
LC - May 17th, 2021, 9:38pm | | |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 11:47am |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Just a bit too much for me.
Look - great core premise. Boys are going to honor Dad's final wish by dumping (literally) his ashes at the stadium.
IMO - the feces storm kind of blows it here - just too over the top. Could just be my taste. |
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Reply: 1 - 24 |
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Spqr |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 1:25pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Though a Giants fan would be loony enough to concoct such a shitty plan, this script comes up short in the humor department. Not to mention how expensive it would be to flood a bathroom with "sewer soup." And it's just not ambitious enough for a man who hates the Dodgers so much to be satisfied with just flooding a single bathroom. He would've wanted every can in the stadium to explode with fresh fertilizer. And you wouldn't even have to see any of it happening. The guys could've run out of the bathroom and listen to the announcer talking about the horrible brown tide washing over the green field. Now that's a curse. |
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Reply: 2 - 24 |
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Pleb |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 1:28pm |
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LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Same as Dave, as you had me up until the raining shit part. Not that I'm all that squeamish or anything, just doesn't make sense that they'd be happy to get shat on like that.
Decent enough writing though.
Good luck. |
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Reply: 3 - 24 |
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Andrew |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 2:08pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1791 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
Well written and put together, but just not my bag. It didn't make me laugh, which isn't to say it's not funny. Just not really to my taste.
I couldn't quite fathom why they were set this challenge in the will? Like, wanting to shit over the sporting foe I get, but why this specific gesture.
I just found myself unsure about the motivation, and fundamentally didn't connect with the script. Again, that's probably just my taste. |
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Reply: 4 - 24 |
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Lono |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 3:26pm |
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LocationCanada Posts94 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
This was well written, I like the hijinks of a last wish with the concept. Like the others said Think you'd blow the entire budget on the flooding of the bathroom, not exactly low budget. I was hoping it'd have a more interesting ending, but it works for what it is. Overall I liked it. |
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Reply: 5 - 24 |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 3:49pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
I loved this lol. Definitely not low budget, but it made me laugh a lot. This is my kinda humor.
-- Michael |
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Reply: 6 - 24 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 6:20pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
I like the last wish aspect and it being a baseball curse thing made it unique. For some reason, it just didn't make me laugh. Well-written though. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Zack |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 7:32pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4500 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Ha! This one is pretty gross, but still fun. Excellent premise. I enjoyed it. Made me laugh. lol Funny stuff! Good work. |
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LC |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 11:04pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7625 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
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Reply: 9 - 24 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 7:42am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
The second script in a row I've read that uses the ashes of their father in a baseball vendetta! Fancy that.
Faeces, like comedy, is subjective. Some love it, some don't. This one didn't land with me in either aspect but I think it's a question of personal taste and there was nothing wrong with the writing. |
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Reply: 10 - 24 |
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Gerasimos |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 8:50am |
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January Project Group
Posts87 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
Loved it, well written, worked for me. Nice job! |
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Reply: 11 - 24 |
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Geezis |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 3:32pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Nicely written and literally toilet humour. It had a couple of funny visual moments that made me smile but no big laughs. Well done. |
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Reply: 12 - 24 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:05pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Apparently the apples didn't fall too far from that tree. Funny in places but middle of the road of all the public restroom/urn entries.
Good work, writer. |
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stevemiles |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:08pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Love the logline, not sure the story followed through. Parameters are there but the toilet humour was a miss for me - leans too heavily into gross out territory. That’s subjective though, so take with a dose of salt.
Do you need the 80s set-up? A bit jarring given the short length and I don’t think it adds anything that couldn’t be worked into the present.
That said, I really do like the idea of two fans using their father’s ashes to curse a rival stadium, just the execution was a little too OTT for me with a budget to boot. |
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