Past and Future Tense by Si Morley - A detective's case sends him back in time.  Short, Sci Fi

Hi writer, a really interesting story.

While times can be included in loglines if they'd be visible in clocks, labeling scenes as PAST and FUTURE isn't appropriate unless there's some on-screen indication of the time.

DEAD MAN and ELLIE have names, and there's no need to keep them secret (we learn them by the end of the scene), so I would intro them with their names.

Page 4 is all dialog. It's on-the-nose, which is simply a symptom of an early draft, but the more pressing issue is that there's nothing else happening... they just stand there and talk to one another. Even a dialog-heavy page needs to be broken up with some action lines.

I've heard of using magnets to treat depression. Don't remember if it was effective, but I'm pretty sure it didn't cause temporal anomalies. At least no one's admitted to it publicly

Neat trick having her give Past Tony some info that Future Tony needs, and I can just about buy that his consciousness is sliding back and forth in time, but I don't see how this get represented on screen. How would we know it's Past Tony's or Future Tony's POV? And scenery can't simply disappear... though it could fade to gray or something.

This could be visually stunning with a little more room to describe what's happening.

Good effort!

Quoted Text TONY RIVERA, 35, sport coat and jeans, enters a room filled with an array of cabinet-sized devices centered

I really don’t know what I am supposed to be seeing here because “devices” is so generic. Covers everything from refrigerators to main frame computers.  All I can infer is size – not functionality.

Quoted Text Sprawled on the chair is a DEAD WOMAN in a green dress.

Better as:
A DEAD WOMAN in a green dress is....

The VO’s don’t work for me in this one. Kind of come out of nowhere.

Parameters met for sure - there were spots where I got confused timewise - eventually, I got my bearings straight.

This one feels like it has been written in a rush. Like a first draft itself. The writing was Ok at best but confusing as well, like the transitions between past Tony and future Tony are too muddled to fully understand. I had to read twice coz of that. And dialogs were OTN and unnatural. The story was good but the execution didn't delivered it.

Good luck.  

Some good visuals in here, but holy crap did this one confuse the hell out of me. To be fair, I expect to be confused quite a bit this round, so take that criticism with a bucket of salt. lol

The writing itself is mostly on point, though the dialog needs punched up. Good effort.

He pulls out a little notebook, checks his watch, and writes down the time.

TONY: What’sup, Sam?
(listens)
Gimme the name again.

This had me thinking, perhaps if Tony had the name, as in the one he’s asking for, already scribbled in his little notebook, that would be a creepier moment, just a suggestion to avoid the ‘on the nose’ pitfall that appears many times in this read.

The story itself is cool as a concept with all the time flowing backwards, but from what’s scripted here, it’s just a clock going in reverse, however, the fact it effects Tony is truly a supernatural angle that could be fleshed out, but I’ll leave that up to you to work out the strange logistics of something that curious.

Writing is sharp with a gumshoe detective thing going on, the future, the past, strange headgear that stamps a shelf life on your existence until your literally erased from the material plane. It’s imaginative, I’ll give you that, but there’s just way too many variables moving through these pages that some of it comes off as implausible, which unfortunately hurts aspects of the story which could be considered as realistic. Best of luck.

Very Tenet!

It's a clever idea to use time travel as a story point for experimental narrative, there just isn't enough meat to this story to hook me. Due to experimental therapy for depression, people move backwards in time and they eventually disappear. It's a good start but needs more than that.

I did get lost as to which was future Tony and past a few times. Writing it in the scene header doesn't help the audience.

Meets the parameters and a decent effort in a tough challenge!  

Very thought provoking with a cool premise - I liked this. Not saying that I totally understood it, but it's worth developing. Nice work, writer.

This was a well-written mind-bender... maybe a bit TOO mind-bending for my taste. Didn't really understand the logistics behind it all, time going backwards.

The voice-over kinda came out of nowhere a few pages in and was only there briefly... was he on the phone or something? Because as is, it just feels like the voice over comes out of nowhere specifically to provide the audience with information and then just disappears. I dunno, felt off to me.

This was a solid, interesting effort that went a bit over my head.

-- Michael

Hi Writer

Quoted Text TONY What the fuck!

Can't tell you how much I hate seeing this bit of dialogue lol it seems every other writer who wants to show a character being shocked has their character say this to themselves.

Quoted Text WAITRESS Hey, Tony, weren’t you just here?

That's a very odd thing to say to someone lol more natural is along the lines of "Back again already?" or "You forgotten something, hun?"

That V.O is pointless and thrown in - I would either use that device throughout or not at all, not just when it is convenient (although the contents of the V.O don;t forward the story at all, if anything it stalls it and takes away some of the mystery already built up)

That conversation with Lottie is very wooden and matter-of-fact.

Quoted Text TONY You didn’t answer the front door, so I came in through the kitchen.

again, this is very matter-of-fact dialogue.

This is a nice mind-bender tale and very unique, I loved the mystery surrounding it all but I don't quite get where it went, there's a hint of a theme in there but I couldn't quite grasp it. Great imagination though. The dialogue lets this script down though, that's where most of the work is needed.
I would have liked more of a crossover between the two Tony's paths, not seeing each other, but affecting each others storyline (more than just the occasional, "hey didn't I just see you?") That being said, I'm not sure what either Tony is trying to accomplish, maybe make their goals a little clearer?

Best of luck

That's a fun concept. Tony's dialogue seemed to have a noir-ish quality to it. And tying the backwards time thing to depression, I think there's something there. In the end, was a bit too rough around the edges to pull off something this ambitious. Lots of potential here to work with after the challenge.

Good effort.

I know how Tony felt. I was as lost as he was at the end of the script.

I have a feeling the concept would be easier to grasp when filmed, and I like scripts that I need to figure out as they go. Might have to re-read this to get a handle on it.

I would nix the VO or open the whole short with it. As it is, it appears out of nowhere and seems like it's just the "writer" trying to help the audience with the plot.

Nice job!

I liked the ideas on display here but thought the narrative a little confusing in places.

Not convinced by the VO either as it felt a little shoe horned it.

But I did enjoy the story,

Good job

A little but too much jumping between present and future for my liking as it was hard to keep up but an interesting premise nonetheless. Would make better sense when filmed.
Well done.

Ouch. My brain. LOL. This was a great idea for this challenge but man...it was tough to follow. The jumping around is delicate and needs to be more clear. And...Tony needs some development. I didn't feel anything toward him.

This was a tough challenge and you chose something super difficult. Keep working on it!!!