Disorder by Alice - An elderly Marine talks about the worst thing he's ever seen.  Short, Horror, War

Weasel's O.S. dialog should be V.O.

Some clunky character introductions, in particular Rooster.

Not bad, but I didn't a horror vibe from this. The story was perfectly clear, so well done on that front. Solid effort.

The story was good (although done many times before). I can see the horror of been haunted by the people whose deaths Weasel’s responsible for. I think there could have been more to show regarding Weasel’s haunting to add more punch as you still had two more pages to go.

Overall, nice effort.

Good luck.

The last line... I just wanted something more.

Weasel comes across as more traumatised to me than haunted or in grave danger or under threat.

I'd have liked to feel him more fearful if you're going for Horror.

Regardless of quibbles you painted a vivid and nightmarish snapshot of war and its effects in just three pages.
Very nicely done.

Ah ha!… I see what you did there. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you ain’t never gonna fool a hard core Alice in Chains fan, lol.

If I recall correctly (via a blurb I read somewhere), The Rooster was (Jerry) Cantrell’s dad, but that’s out of scope. This was actually a blast (pun intended) to read, the memories stamped in ink, the quick succession of action and banter floating in and about Weasel’s head, driving him mad with PTSD; I mean, the trauma and shit is real and a sad reality with these poor vets, I’m just getting at the way it’s scripted, the writing style… was a wild ride.

Time distorted scripts, experimental narratives in a non-linear fashion are always a little easier to comprehend when there’s a home base involved, a place to always ground yourself and get your bearings when attempting to decipher the narrative; in Memento it was the motel or Inn, kind of like a womb where the creative thought process is born before releasing it into the open, but always available for return in order to collect your thoughts before the next wave or onslaught of time distortion… sorry, shot off on a tangent there.

Anyway, the womb in this narrative is the Care Facility, without it, the reader would forever be lost in the Weasel’s raging PTSD. So, in a nutshell, it’s well thought out and scripted with just the right amount of crazy thrown in for good measure. Best of luck.

Meets the challenge for sure.

The opening third of the first page was very confusing to me. Had to re-read it several times. The descriptive blocks are a little clunky.

I do like that the tale/premise. Thought it would be interesting if that Nurse turned out to be Vietnamese.

I don't understand what the red eyes were in the opening scene. It felt paranormal. I expected your story to explain it, but, instead you went in a completely different direction, giving us a series of very normal (but, horrifying) war experiences.

So, to me, it felt like a horror setup followed by a standard drama.

Good story. I think the "present" and flashback structure used was pretty standard, though.

Hi Writer

Some odd writing choices...

Quoted Text has just lost her grip and is being pulled into the darkness.

Quoted Text A gruff warning is yelled.

Quoted Text A brief commentary by an old and rattled man

...Made the read a clunky, it can be streamlined quite a bit.


A story about PTSD and guilt. The story was clear and I was enjoying it until the end when it just kind of stopped, I guess I just wanted more from this. The identity of the nurse should play a bigger part, and the part with the glowing red eyes should either make a reappearance later on or be removed, they are out of place at the moment.

Best of luck

A very familiar tale told well and good use of the experimental narrative, although the opening scene with the glowing eyes was confusing and made it seem like this was going to be a horror at first.

Great image at the end of the old soldier being tormented by the demons of his past. It needed something more to make it stand out among the many Vietnam war films I've seen though.

This felt more flashback than experimental, but I did like where the present was.

As other's have noted, think this is fairly familiar... but I still kinda liked it, worked for me.

Good effort

This was decent. A bit underwhelming for me, though -- I feel like I've seen this story before. But it was very well written, so points for that. Didn't feel like an experimental with the structure, but it still works within the parameters of the challenge. Some great visuals, especially at the end when Weasel is losing his shit.

Solid effort.

-- Michael

Only four pages?! This could be so much more. I bet you're kicking yourself with the WEASEL (O.S.) v. (V.O.) mistake too. Revisit this and give it more depth. Let's see the identity of the nurse (although implied to be the Vietnamese nurse?) and add something truly horrific if going for that angle. Good stuff - Needs more.

Love the ode to Alice in Chains. And also love the visual in the opening paragraph with the nurse being pulled away, although I'm not sure where it fit in.

The story itself needs something more though. Just wasn't enough there to grab me.

Keep working on it!!

I like the idea of a man haunted by his memories, but I agree with mmmarnie, it really needs something else in there. I don't know what exactly, but maybe something a little more punishing at the end, considering what he's done or something leading us one way so we are surprised by the brutality of the soldiers.

Definitely one to work on, but a very nice start.