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The Boundary - May3 (currently 1006 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 28th, 2021, 5:10pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
The Boundary by Cabeza De Vaca - A party of Spanish explorers journey into an unknown land in search of riches only to find themselves lost in an ocean of tallgrass with an unseen terror stalking their every move. Short, Horror |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - May 28th, 2021, 6:21pm | | |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 5:30am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
That was beautifully written, full of historical and cultural aspects that enriched the experience. There as some wonderful visual scenes as well, you certainly can write.
I just wasn't sure what was going on. I pieced together that this was some sort of expedition that ended in disaster with most of the men killed off by...something and written in reverse. I just don't fully understand what the men were there for, nor Perez's role and what actually happened to them.
Spectacular writing though. |
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Reply: 1 - 19 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 1:23pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Very vivid and imaginative.
Parameters met.
Enjoyed reading this.
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Reply: 2 - 19 |
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Zack |
Posted: May 30th, 2021, 2:50pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Very creative writing here. Some really cool visuals. Excellent writing. Not only that, but I was actually able to follow the story here. Great work here. |
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Reply: 3 - 19 |
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Gum |
Posted: May 30th, 2021, 5:07pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
I had a bit of a difficult time figuring out what was transpiring, but I think that’s a ‘me’ issue, not yours. Some things translate way better when presented in a visual medium than written pages, and I think that’s where my confusion resides, trying to decipher who is who, and when, and where we are by the juxtaposition of time frames.
There’s some serious effort put into this tale, and it has a great poetic vibe; it’s riddled with mysterious names and enigmatic characters on a quest for riches, all set against a surreal backdrop… the whispering grass. I like it, just found myself lost in the translation, best of luck. |
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Reply: 4 - 19 |
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Spqr |
Posted: May 31st, 2021, 1:15pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Very well written and interesting, but totally linear structure. |
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Reply: 5 - 19 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 6:53am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
Howdy
Quoted Text EXT. TALLGRASS PRAIRIE - THE MISSING - DAY |
Should these extra bits in the slug be title cards? not sure how "The Missing" is a location.
Quoted Text Perez watches buzzards circle high above. Scavengers as far as the eye can see - each spiraling column speaking to some unseen horror far below. |
Love that visual I'm in the camp of I don't know what is going on. A lot of characters muddied the read for me. My understanding goes only as far as they have ventured into the long grass and it didn't go well. I think this story would probably be better told in a normal linear fashion, having the events run backwards in time (I think they run backwards?) doesn't really add anything I don't think, we start with the fact the expedition has gone bad and go back in time to when they left for the expedition. (Although that could be down to the fact that I don't understand what is happening, I probably missed some vital exposition) Would look pretty cool if filmed though. Best of luck |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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JEStaats |
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 12:33pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
This reminded a lot of Stephen King's short story 'In the tall grass'. So much so that it was distracting with the imagery. That said, well written, I just couldn't really follow the story very well. Were the slugs written to be kind of like chapter titles? Interesting work here. |
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Reply: 7 - 19 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 5:10pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Writing is very evocative and I could feel the location.
But I wasn't entirely sure what was happening in places.
Still, a very good effort |
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Reply: 8 - 19 |
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spesh2k |
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 5:39pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
I loved the actual writing, very visual, I could see everything. I just don't think this is my kind of story, though. This felt like a sprawling, historical epic crammed into six pages. You do fit a lot in here, so kudos for that. But I had a hard time following exactly what the story was about. Maybe it's just me, I dunno. Very well written effort, though.
-- Michael |
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Reply: 9 - 19 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: June 2nd, 2021, 12:21pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
This feels like the first script i've read for the challenge that was harmed by the non-linear structure. So many characters and such little obvioius connecting thread that, unfortunately, I felt myself skimming by page 3. I had to force myself to slow down and work harder.
Too bad, too. Because this is well-written. My hope is that you drop the reverse-structure and re-post after the challenge as a more traditional read. If you do, please let me know. I'd love to read that. |
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Reply: 10 - 19 |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: June 2nd, 2021, 2:52pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
I could really use a Coles notes for this script. I was completely lost and I read it twice.
But I betcha it would work fine as a film. I just must not have been absorbing certain things as I read that probably would impact me visually.
Nice job! |
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Reply: 11 - 19 |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: June 2nd, 2021, 11:49pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
What does PRE LAP mean????
in slug...LAST MAN? is that the name of the place?
okay...you have THE LONG MARCH in another slug. I'm assuming these need to be inserted as title cards. Don't belong in slug. When you stray from proper format rules, it pulls the reader out of your story.
There were some cool visuals here. You created a dreamlike atmosphere. Lots of arrows. But the story was really lost on me. Lots of characters for only 7 pages. It was just hard to figure out what was going on.
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LC |
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 12:00am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 12:44am |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Thanks, Lib. New one on me. |
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