SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 3:28pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Sister-Hood - May3
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Sister-Hood - May3  (currently 470 views)
Don
Posted: May 28th, 2021, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Sister-Hood by No Name - Sometimes family reunification can turn out wrong.  Short, Drama


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
mmmarnie
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 9:13am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
1085
Posts Per Day
0.22
So I liked how this began. I was really into the first half. But second half it turned kind of daytime drama-ish . Lots of exposition.

The idea is good, although not new. Estranged or secret sibling shows up and wants part of the fortune. For me it was such a drastic act Susan committed, I needed to see she had it in her personality to do that.

This was a tough challenge and I think you chose a story that needed some backstory, but in only 6 pages that's hard to do.

Writing was good. A couple mistakes but nothing that slowed me down.

Still, good effort!


boop
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 18
Spqr
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.09
A decent police procedural, with the past and present scenes logically presented. The only problem I have with the script is with Susan's attitude. She's apparently a psychology professor, yet she goes out of her way to antagonize a detective who's going to react badly to having her questions arbitrarily dismissed. It's like she's begging Detective Molina to double down in her effort to pin the murder on her. What, did she buy her professorship at SC?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 18
MarkItZero
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
Very well written. Time shifting wasn't shoehorned in, felt natural, necessary. I liked the set-up and pretty much everything until the ending didn't quite pack enough of a punch.

Gonna throw this out there - no idea if this really makes sense - what if you don't show the murder. Susan goes to kill Amelia but the scene ends before we see her die. At the end, turns out Amelia got the upper hand, killed Susan, and took her place. So we've been following Amelia this whole time. She'd have to look very similar to the sister for that to be plausible... and even then I'm not sure it is...

But some final twist is all this needs imo. Great work overall.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 18
PKCardinal
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Another good one.

The story itself isn't all that fresh. But, you told it well.

BTW, it's not in the story... but, Susan killed her parents, right?


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 18
Yuvraj
Posted: May 30th, 2021, 9:02am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Why you wanna know?
Posts
779
Posts Per Day
0.50
A story with a twist. The writing was a breeze to read. Although a very basic level crime story, it was a fun read.

Good luck.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 18
ReneC
Posted: May 30th, 2021, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
1435
Posts Per Day
0.31
This is well written. The pace is a little off in places but it does flow easily enough. Dialogue is fairly good. Visual elements used effectively.

The hook at the beginning is solid. It could have been better, like if we'd seen the photo of the sister first and it's unmistakable, but she denies having a sister. That would have sunk the hook in even harder.

I think the reveal about the will comes too soon. That's a great button to put on this, the motive for it should have come at the end. Instead it's crystal clear what happened only halfway through and we just have to watch it play out.

You missed a word at the end (buries her face in her--). Not a big deal, but I do wonder what was missed.

Nice job.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 18
Lono
Posted: May 31st, 2021, 7:32am Report to Moderator
New


Location
Canada
Posts
94
Posts Per Day
0.03
Writer,

structure is great, I never was lost or confused. A quick read. The subject matter is a bit melodramatic for me though. I think we needed a little more into Susan's character, but it is a short after all, so maybe this can be expanded upon? Not much to add to what the others have commented on. Nice job!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 18
AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 31st, 2021, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
I thought this read well and had some nice touches, but towards the end it was moving into CSI type territory.

I like CSI though (well not Miami, obvs) so all good!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 18
Gum
Posted: May 31st, 2021, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
The Sisterhood of the Traveling… Genes, lol.

Pants = jeans = genes… no? I tried.

Ah yes… the bastard sibling returns to wreak havoc, and demand their worth of the inheritance, even if they’re just a test-tube baby, at least that’s where my thoughts went, unless she was a birthed via surrogate. All good, not really important for a 6 pager.

Anyway, if a 5-foot 3-inch, 300 pound, 40-year-old man can identify as a 6-foot Asian Woman in today’s day and age, then I think I could successfully identify as one of Elvis’ illegitimate kids and ride out the rest of my life living off of my well-deserved inheritance… if Priscilla hasn't already spent it all.

This is tightly woven together to paint a diabolical picture of greed and avarice, by both parties; we already know of Amelia’s fate, only time will tell us what becomes of Susan. Works well for the theme/challenge. Best of luck.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 18
MarkRenshaw
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 2:49am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
A basic story and it is easy to see where this is going but well written and the experimental narrative suites the style. Psychology didn't seem to help Susan much, I thought she was going to use that psychology to get herself out of the predicament or at least play a cat and mouse game  with the detective but she went with straightforward denial.

I also wonder why Susan teaches when she's so rich?


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 18
spesh2k
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Harlem USA
Posts
1186
Posts Per Day
0.20
A few typos here and there, but well-written overall. It was straight forward on the most part and somewhat predictable, but it didn't really hurt the story much. My only beef was that every time you used the TWO MONTHS EARLIER super, it confused me. Had me thinking we were going further and further back (two months at a time). Of course I realized that that wasn't the case, but I think you could do without TWO MONTHS EARLIER on screen every time we flash back. You could just write FLASHBACK in the scene heading or however you would write a flashback scene (people do it differently). Also, what did Susan being a professor have to do with anything? And what was the significance of the psychology aspect? It didn't really seem like the detective was playing psychological trickery with Susan. Anyway, other than that, I liked it. Very solid.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 18
Geezis
Posted: June 2nd, 2021, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There's always a single malt waiting for you.

Location
Glasgow, Scotland
Posts
411
Posts Per Day
0.27
Nicely written story, easily followed and fits the parameters of the challenge. Some of the dialogue is expositional but to be fair to you to squeeze that amount of story into six pages is tough.
Well done


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 18
Cacutshaw
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 12:01am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
177
Posts Per Day
0.07
Well written, but I don't really know 23 and me very well. Would Susan's DNA be out there if she never submitted it to the company? I was just a little confused by the whole DNA thing. Is it some website where people are willingly giving their DNA which could be later used by police? Wealthy Susan doesn't seem the type to use this. But as I mentioned, I am confused by that aspect anyway.

This does seem like the last scene in a bigger story though. Like we need to see Susan try and get away with something beforehand or see other suspects. As it stands, it's like she's accused of a crime, next thing you know, she did it.

But it was really easy to follow story-wise and was really well written. Nice work!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 18
FrankM
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 1:33am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Between Chair and Keyboard
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Relatively straightforward story for this competition. I think Susan would probably need to take a wild swing to crush a skull, but otherwise seems as plausible as anything on a police procedural.

There are some rough bits that will buff out in a re-write, such as a colon after re and a missing word in the last action block, but good for a first draft.

Great effort!


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 18
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The May 2021 Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006