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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  North of the Cenotaph - May3
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  Author    North of the Cenotaph - May3  (currently 566 views)
Don
Posted: May 28th, 2021, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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North of the Cenotaph by Léo Major - A WW2 Vet revisits his former life and time in the war.  Short, Drama, War


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mmmarnie
Posted: May 28th, 2021, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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There were some good visuals here but the writing was pretty rough. Maybe rushed? I hope that's the case because it was filled with typo's and punctuation issues.

How do we know it's Saturday? And "this may be the last time they see each other"...you actually did a good job conveying that so telling us is unnecessary.

You need some different descriptions. You say "Grayson's face fills with fear" 2 times and also say it for Lily. And a lot of eyes fill with tears.

The story itself was okay. You had me hooked enough that I certainly didn't want Lily and Timmy to die. But it moved along pretty slow. Some better descriptions and tighter writing might help give it a boost.

Keep working on it!!


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PKCardinal
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Nice job on putting a twist on the typical WW2 story: the woman at home dying for the cause instead of the man on the front. I hadn't seen that before.

That said, the writing was fairly rough. Definitely needs a cleanup for typos, unfilmables, etc. First sentence out of the gate: A beautiful Saturday. How do we know, and why is it important?

But, overall, I enjoyed the script. A couple of more passes and you'll have a real nice script to share.


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eldave1
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Man – a surprising number of military-themed stories.

Well,  someone has a thing for Geena Davis – I don’t blame you.

Okay - meets the parameters - a complete story.  It moved a little slow for me in spots - but you are covering a lot of time.

Nice job methinks.


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Spqr
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Though the flashback story is bookended by by scenes set in the "present," the script is mostly linear, which is in contradiction to the parameters of the challenge. Still it is a nice story.

And whatever happened to Timmy? Grayson, at the end, is surrounded by family, but I think Timmy should've been singled out, the way he was in the main story.
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Cacutshaw
Posted: May 30th, 2021, 12:24am Report to Moderator
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I thought the same thing as above about Timmy. Probably out partying!

I was also surprised that it seemed very linear. I wasn't expecting a Billy Pilgrim type jumping around, but it seemed like it told a linear narrative, just skipping ahead in time a bit. It's kind of like calling Saving Private Ryan non-linear storytelling because of the bookends.

Still, I like the idea of honoring the women who died in the war, and this could easily be expanded into a bigger story that doesn't have to worry about the contest's rules and can bring more life to the characters. Nice job.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 31st, 2021, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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I read this as mostly just an extended flashback rather than truly non-linear.

Though I did like the narrative and the twist.

Purely personal opinion, but to say someone has a Geena Davis smile when describing someone in the 1930s felt odd to me, unless there's another Geena Davis.

Anyway, decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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Gum
Posted: May 31st, 2021, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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Not a huge fan of war epics, but the fact you scripted a war epic into 5 pages is a good indication of your ability to manage an 8x11.5 inch page of real estate.

Except for the opening scene, the story is very one-dimensional, and time is forward throughout the succession of slugs. Experimental narratives are just that though, how to do it with a bit of zest. There was a prospect of ‘book ends’ being scripted here with the off-screen voice which prompted Grayson’s flashback, but we never did find from where that voice came from in the end, when we returned to St. James Park in 2006 that is, unless I read that wrong, then that's on me.

That being said, it’s very well written, and even though WWII is well before my years, it still had an old time nostalgic feel tucked somewhere within. Best of luck.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 3:22am Report to Moderator
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Lots of faces filling with fear, anticipation and a fair few typos. Fixing these could make this a smoother read, as it was I drifted off a few times.

Seemed to me more like one flashback rather than an experimental narrative and very much in the style of Saving Private Ryan but a decent war story and I do like how you showed the split between the battle on the front and the battle back at home with an unexpected casualty.


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JEStaats
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Very reminiscent of Saving Private Ryan. Without much dialogue, it would be a five minute flashback montage. Nice little story of the war back home during WWII. Good stuff, writer.
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spesh2k
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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Noticing a good amount of war stories. Not necessarily my cup of tea nor the most marketable genre, but this was well written on the most part (with the exception of some missing punctuation). And this was actually quite moving. With next to no dialogue, I loved the characters, which is a hell of an accomplishment. Though I'm not sure if it's experimental with its time jumping -- it's pretty straight forward, bookended by present day opening and ending (ala Saving Private Ryan). The stuff in between almost felt like the opening in "Up" a bit, which is a good thing.

Very solid work, here.

-- Michael


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 4:46am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Not to be a pedant or anything, but the CORB evacuations happened in 1940 (They were abandoned after one of the boats was sunk by a German U-boat killing almost all of the children onboard... hey, maybe that's what happened to poor Timmy)
Timmy is also only 3, the eligible age for the CORB evacuations was 5-15... Ok, now I really am being a pedant lol (The Churchill speech you used was also delivered in 1940, Churchills first radio speech as Prime Minister   )

(Better to have used operation Pied Piper instead which moved kids from urban to rural locations - EDIT: this would work better both symbolically and budget-wise as you can have Lilly seeing Timmy off at the same train station she saw her husband off from)


This had a lot of heart in it, and I really enjoyed the highlight on life in the UK and those who remained during WW2, a fresh approach. The writing flowed well and I was pulled in.

The bookends didn't really tie together though, who was the voice at the beginning saying excuse me? We never learn of Timmy's fate (he is surrounded by family, did he start a new one? are these Timmy's kids)


Quoted Text
EXT. LONDON, ST JAMES PARK - 2006
Grayson arm and arm with his family head down the path
and over the horizon, a big beautiful sky.

EXT. LONDON, ST JAMES PARK - 1940
Grayson and Lily sit on blanket admiring the sunset, a
baby carriage rests beside them, what a view.


I did like the two above contrasting images though


This would be expensive for a short so not sure if it's worth going over after the challenge, but I would watch a feature based around Lilly's trials and tribulations.

A nice effort and a nice take on things, even if the non-linear was not used to it's full potential.

All the best


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it

Revision History (1 edits)
Matthew Taylor  -  June 3rd, 2021, 6:29am
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Geezis
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the minimalist dialogue here and the visuals which would be stunning if filmed but as said above this felt rushed and unchecked. In 1939 Lily has a baby bump and by 1941 Timmy is already three. Did they adopt? I also would liked to have seen a reunion between Grayson and Timmy just to give a more rounded ending. Enjoyable but needing tidied up.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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FrankM
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Viewers can't see the sluglines, so you'd need some indication of the year so audiences don't get lost. SUPER would work, or a calendar in frame each time a new era is entered. Curious what the significance of 2006 might be.

Nice reversal of the notification scene.

Some typos here and there, and a number of orphans wasted some space (though in this case you weren't in danger of going past the page limit). War and orphans go together thematically, but this kind of orphan is a paragraph ending with a single word on the last line. Should be easy to tighten up (or expand to use more of that line).

This was structured clearly enough that I could follow the story, but the writing is a little literary (try to focus on what can be seen and heard). A little unfilamble material is fine so long as it helps the actors or casting folks understand the characters, but stuff like "a time long past, a former life" doesn't affect anything on-screen.

This particular story did not benefit from the nonlinear format... we know right away who's going to buy the farm. It would be difficult to hide which Smith is attending the memorial, perhaps by focusing on grandchildren, but that would maintain the tension as Grayson and Lily are put into dangerous situations.

Good effort!


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LC
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
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I can't really add much to what Matthew said.  

Nice period atmosphere. I found it jumped around quite a bit so that I wasn't really sure whose main story it was. I was expecting more as advertised with the logline, but found myself gravitating towards what was happening at home with Lily. Nice angle there.

I think the main thing here is how much you got into such a short page count. It's a big story.
Needs a good edit, but enjoyable all the same.


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