SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 2:42pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The July, 2021 OWC  ›  The Edison Doll - July OWC Moderators: Yuvraj
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Edison Doll - July OWC  (currently 389 views)
Don
Posted: July 20th, 2021, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Edison Doll by Not Edison - Will a childhood toy deepen rifts or heal the pain of the past?  Short, Drama


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
JEStaats
Posted: July 20th, 2021, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
Okay, there's going to be debate about this one and pushing the limits of the challenge. Two main characters and a third variable that can be the cause or the solver, and it can only be on one page. The lawyer, Yates, is hardly a bystander. In fact he is somewhat the problem solver that is present on all five pages. I know the doll is meant to be the variable but....whatever. Debatable.

Someone may also have issue with no Fade Out. Me? I don't care.

As for the story, you put a lot in five pages - Bravo. Twins history, backstory, the doll, mother, Lizzie leaving to do who knows what... good writing to do that in such few pages.

Somewhat anticlimactic ending but the crisis is solved. Good work, writer. Met the challenge? Jury is still out.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 10
AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 20th, 2021, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Clearly an estranged relationship here, so far of the four scripts I've read it's the only one that actually hit this mark, and definitely drama in their reunion, tick, tick.

3rd variable, well thought it was the other character but later we get the real 3rd variable, which I liked and very different to the doll revealed in one of the other scripts I just read

But to John's point above... think the rules for this one say 'two main' characters and it has that for sure... guess readers will have to decide if the other character in here is 'main' or 'secondary'.

I liked the script so letting it slide for now.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 10
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: July 20th, 2021, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1565
Posts Per Day
0.29
I really like what you have written here but I agree with the third variable... writer you're pushing it it, maybe a bridge too far.

I'll have another go at this before the scoring. Like i said, liked the story, everything else seems to be there.

Reg


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 10
Robert Timsah
Posted: July 20th, 2021, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Story Is Structure

Posts
280
Posts Per Day
0.05
I like the banter between the sisters - and while it may push some boundaries of the rules, I don't think it does so in an unruly way, ha. I will rate it a solid good in my book.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 10
LC
Posted: July 20th, 2021, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
Yep, dialogue and banter, very nice.

You pushed it with Yates, and the doll. Could they just have met in a room without the lawyer?
This one will come down to how much the story sticks with me.

I like the twins aspect and the Edison Doll would be a terrific visual.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 10
Warren
Posted: July 20th, 2021, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Hi writer,

Another with good dialogue and some nice writing on display.

This isn't a story I would find interesting to watch if filmed but in terms of the challenge I think you ticked the boxes.

All the best.

EDIT...

I agree with Anthony here, two main characters is very different to only two characters (and possibly a third as the variable).

I read it as have as many characters as you like but two of them need to be main ones and I think we have that here. The doll is the variable and Yates is just another character.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 10
Rob
Posted: July 21st, 2021, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
218
Posts Per Day
0.11
I really like the barbed exchanges between the twins. The language is realistic. These are longtime rivals. It's cool that they focus entirely on the Edison doll--cut to the chase.

The ending works. A little sentimental, but it will do.

I had never heard of an Edison doll before.

A nice script.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 10
PKCardinal
Posted: July 21st, 2021, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
I'm not yet finished reading, but this is the best of the bunch so far for me.

I didn't have a problem with the third character (re: the challenge) but, this could have been done with them reading the will themselves, without the lawyer.

But, whatever. The writing is strong. The doll is an interesting added device. It all worked for me.

I was curious about what the doll would say at the end. If you wanted, you could have some fun with that, as I believe those discs could be recorded with your own voice? Not sure about that. But, I thought so. Anyway, if so, could the doll actually have a message from the mother? (Not that it needs changing... I'm just spitballing based off of my anticipation while reading.)

Bottom line... I liked this one.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 10
AlsoBen
Posted: July 22nd, 2021, 5:36am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Australia
Posts
727
Posts Per Day
0.16
Eddy,

This was really sweet.

(I did some math on the mid-70s twins having a freshly dead mother - she would had to have been nearly 100? Which is fine and believable, just interesting).

I don’t have too much to say. The dialogue is nice. In terms of realism, it’s hard to see why the first time the pair reunite would have been at the lawyers office. Surely they would have crossed paths at the possible death bed, funeral planning, funeral, graveside, wake? A tiny issue though.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 10
Yuvraj
Posted: July 23rd, 2021, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Why you wanna know?
Posts
779
Posts Per Day
0.50
The story is nice. Heart-touching.

I think here the third variable is the doll. And if it is, it fits the bill.

Good luck.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 10
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The July, 2021 OWC  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006