Title: untitled
Logline:  A stubborn tomboyish reporter in 1930s Texas must to save her family's newspaper discovers gangsters have opened a door to Elderich horrors in her town.

Genre - mystery/horror/dark comedy

Format: web series(listed as a game in the "title" need to fic that)

Pages currently - 10(really 9 and a 1/4th pages)

Feedback:  Written in Celtx. Hoping my writing is legible, my protagonist stands out, and the mystery is somewhat engaging.

This is a bit of a slow burn and if you have trouble with 1930s slang, let me know. This is meant to be fun, to the point. It's a homage to 1930s horror films, so if the characters speak a lil 'old tyme', thats on purpose.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rABBCwduCU9RJsZBscSvOjgZGXavXWep/view?usp=sharing

Don't make me bribe you guys with coffee money, cause I will!

Ahoy writer

First and foremost, I'm still very hungover, but I wanted to keep my review juices flowing, so I decided to pick a post that didn't receive a lot of love.  1 comment, 51 views. Bingo.

Hmmm, methinks you have an interesting premise here. Yeah, I got some chuckles out of it. Then the bit in the diner, where the dialogue between Daisy and Sheena is ok but not great. Why? It's a little on-the-nose for my taste. Exposition is telling. So sprinkle it lightly. Don't over-salt the meal. You have a decent cliffhanger. Granted this is only the first 10 pages, but it's all I have to go on.  Would I read more? probably.

A couple of nuts-and-bolts things:

"Lets call he cops...Lets get the green...."

Let's [do something] or Let us [do something], is used to form first-person plural imperatives and like other commands, the subject, we, is implied. Lets on the other hand is an finite form of the verb "to leave" and the subject (third person, singular) must be explicitly stated (in standard English).

It should be -- Let's call the cop, Let's get that green...

Lemme just add, not all words that end in "s" require apostrophes' - but DANS diner does..

Code SHEENA Gotta get a picture of Dead Eye...and I can make tracks.

Um, It's a personal thing, not muchuva fan of characters talkin' to themselves. What you suggest seems a bit cliche and on the nose.

And, uh,  fade in - should be in all CAPS.  Also, watch the spacing in your sluglines.

Instead of INT. DAISYS APARTMENT-NIGHT - should be INT. DAISY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT.

Quoted Text SHEENA(O.S) BUNCH OF CREEPS! STUPID DIRTY RATS!

It drives some crazy to see dialogue in all caps. You really do not have to do that. You can convey the screaming just by referring to it in the action; by using a parenthetical; or putting in some exclamation marks; or some combination of all three. But ALL CAPS is really never helpful or necessary, and if you ever need to transfer a script to a different screenwriting program, those ALL CAPS really f--k things up in the conversion.

Welcome to the board. Our advice; visit often. And don't just try to figure out who are the most experienced and listen to them. Really think about what everyone says and try to draw your own conclusions. Best of Irish luck!

Coffee? Hmm, chocolate might do it.  

fade in:
text: Cross plains, Texas. 1936.
EXT. MAIN STREET-DAY
Beside a stack of newspapers on a street corner, SHEENA
STARK(20s, cap, knickerbockers, flats)peddles papers while
formally dressed people walk past and ignore her.

..

FADE IN: (cap your Fade)

EXT. MAIN STREET – DAY (set the scene visually before a Super)

Film is all about what we see visually, as you are no doubt aware. So, we need to live and breathe this place with your opening images. A bit more description is needed for your opening

Example - A one-horse country town in the middle of nowhere.
Or: A hot dust bowl in the middle of nowhere.

Perhaps the wind whips up and a tumbleweed (clichéd as it might be) rolls across the street to the curb where -

Cars flank a modest

STREET/or STOREFRONT

Consisting of little more than a drugstore, diner, bank, - perhaps highlight the second storey newspaper office. (You tweak this)

Then the Super instead of text.

SUPERIMPOSE: Cross Plains, Texas - 1936

New scene header:

STREET CORNER - NEWSPAPER STAND

(you don't need ' peddles papers' - just show Sheena doing her stuff.

Waving a newspaper in the air, SHEENA STARK, early 20s, dressed in cap, knickerbockers, flats, hoists a newspaper in the air, as townspeople, dressed in more formal attire drift (or bustle) past her -

She's largely ignored.

Not deterred, SHEENA raises her voice an octave.

SHEENA
Papers! Get your newspaper here!
Or:
Read all about it!

Also, if the most dramatic part in this opening is the encroaching dust storm, then perhaps have Sheena practically thrust the newspaper in the face of a passing MAN.Thereby also speaking to her extroverted indefatigable character maybe? And of course he could swat her out of the way, or give her a wide berth, which in turn could segue into -

The WOMEN pointing and chuckling at Sheena through the Diner? window.

Perhaps:

INSERT - NEWSPAPER HEADLINE

"DEADLY or MASSIVE DUST STORM HEADED FOR CROSS PLAINS!").

Then, write:

BACK TO SCENE.

Give that Dust Storm an adjective to up the drama?  (as above)

Then, the next bit with the Chevy Standard, (and the gloved hand out the window - ]which is a terrific visual btw I might just (pedantically) change: flips a quarter to her, as flips her a quarter, to be more active. Minor, that suggestion.

Love the character of SHEENA so far:

The last time you did a story you insulted half the police force.
Is there a force in this small town, or just a Sheriff? I don't know...

Watch your punctuation throughout: Dan's Diner. (apostrophe).
CAP characters, even if minor, on intro.

Love the vibe and feel of this so far.
Just up the visual component a bit more.

Jmho.

Andrea's is good advice too, despite her hangover.  

P.S. The alternative to your opening could be:


OVER BACK:

SUPER:  Cross Plains, Texas - 1936

And then FADE IN

Scene description.

Thanks for the feedback everyone, been on the road all week moving and am slowly returning into writers mode(yesterdays 17 hour drive wasn't easy O.o). Yeah, I'm sorry about some of the grammar errors, this is part of where my dyslexia hits me in writing. Its funny, I keep getting mixed up on how to use s after names, even at 41.

I'll fix the all caps! Sorry about that. Ha, your feedback makes me realize I'm still not quite there with my formatting and writing. Slightly bummed out, but thankful that I'm closer to where I want to be with my work. Its good to know what I have is mostly working, I've never written anything like this really. I do write horror and comedy stuff when I can, but the era, the monster, and the protagonist are different for me.

Your feedback is great and got me excited to make some adjustments on what I have. Ghostwriters point about the wanted poster on the front page was really sharp. I'll do what I can for the exposition in the diner, I knew writing it that it was still a little much to toss in and haven't quite figured out what fat to trim yet.

Yes LC, its meant to be a small town. I know I didn't quite nail that through dialogue. I kind of realized that the other day on the road that I should have pointed out its a small town post oil boom. But I only spent about 5 days on this before I had to go cross country to get stuff out of the storage unit. Your ideas on how to emphasize that are spot on and I'll take them to heart.

Part of the problem with how I write is trying to use as little space as possible in descriptions, but I trim stuff back too much and get lost in editing mode instead of being in writer mode. Bad habit I suppose. Its funny, with how visually I think, I don't write as strongly visually as I should/could be writing.

Food for thought.

I'll PM both of ya so I can find out where to send yer coffee/cocoa money! ;P  Thanks once again, Its really helpful and appreciated.

For the PM.
Seventeen hours, whew!
...

John, I skimmed through the rest:

Get rid of all your CUT TOs.
For the most part they're not needed.
I personally have them if, for example, I'm cutting from vastly different locations e.g. New York location to Cairo. They're just bloating your script at the moment.

You do have some nice visuals happening throughout, just tweak your opening establishing scene.
Here, for example evokes a nice image:

EXT. DANS DINER - NIGHT (insert apostrophe Dan's)
Dusk. (May as well put DUSK in the scene header).
The small diner sign creeks back and forth as wind
blasts into it and brings in dark clouds from the horizon.

I correct myself on the police force comment, cause Sheena clarifies this by saying: Pete and Tom. Those two appear to be the force.  

            DEAD EYE
You wont appreciate what I’m saying
now, but someday you will. (To Goon
A) The kitten got lost on the way
home. See that she gets there.

Format the parenthetical like this:
The parenthetical should be in the drop down list of your software and enable it automatically.

            DEAD EYE
You won't appreciate what I'm saying
now, but someday you will.
           (to Goon A)
The kitten got lost on the way
home. See that she gets there.

Remember: Hun should not be an abbreviation of Honey - Hon', not Attila.  
Bravo, you wrote 'lies' not 'lays' in the right context. Lil' bugbear of mine.

             JIM
Only thing to kill in Cross Plains
is time, you know that.

Funny line.

EXT. BADLANDS-NIGHT
EXT. BADLANDS - NIGHT
(Insert space between location & time period.

He tosses the body down the well and returns to the mansion.

You're missing some location MINI SLUGS
The Well & Barn, for example.

You don't technically need on the next line:-
Beat
Likewise further on, not needed.

She recoils back
back is not needed - recoils does the trick.

A lightning strikes
Lightning strikes or, A lightning strike reveals, illuminates...


1930s lovecraftian survival horror game
Do you mean that this piece is inspired by H.P. Lovecraft?
I'll admit to not being well versed.

Dialogue is definitely a strong point with your writing.
Nice job!

If I repeated anything Andrea said already, feel free to ignore.

It's Lovecraftian in that it follows a lot of the patterns and rules of the genre, but since I'm not incredibly well versed in it either I'm doing my own thing. I didn't want to use Cthulu, Dagon, or the old ones that Lovecraft wrote due to how insanely powerful they are as well as the effects of encountering them(sudden violent madness and death) due to how intense of a presence they are. You can have the smartest, strongest, bravest man reduced to nothing mentally after encountering one. Can't really have a protagonist up against something like this, wouldn't survive and wouldn't matter either. While thats a part of Lovecraftian horror, I'm not going that route.

So what I created something somewhat original, in that I have a lesser cosmic entity thats more impish, so far as mind destroying cosmic entities goes. I want to give the protagonist a better chance at surviving something mentally incomprehensible, granted she has to earn it.

So I'm focusing on the basics, seeing stuff that isn't there, hearing voices, cults, abominations and cursed objects, well once I polish off this draft and fix more errors I will.

I was originally writing this as a story for a video game, not sure if that will work what with my luck these days, So It's gonna be a web series. I might even animate it myself.