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This is the second one now that doesn't feel like a documentary/mockumentary to me. It's a comedy, so you got that right, but it feels more like a regular short about documentary film school students doing a piece on a PD. You got the comedy in here for sure, Mockumentaries should be satire, if I'm not mistaken and IMO, that was missing here.
Started out with too much talking heads. Easily fixed by adding some visuals to go with the dialogue. This got better as the script moved along.
I think you did a good job, just slightly missed the mockumentary feel, IMHO.
It has a nice light and easy read feel to it which is good, but the humour fell flat for me. Maybe I just didn't get it, but other than a dopey assistant I didn't find it very funny I'm afraid.
I think this one was trying really hard to show the banality of life as a detective and that it's not the exciting stuff you see on TV, which is disappointing to the interviewers. So that I get. I think adding in the repairman to come in for things that didn't need fixing, or taking the stairs when the elevator worked just fine, doesn't really add anything.
The humor was light and maybe a tad forced in places. And I think this felt more like an interview session than a mockumentary, but that could be easily address. For example, rather than Matthew talking about the cases for so long, start him out trailing the girl in the yellow jacket, e.g., and doing a V.O., as he follows her from food truck to food truck. Then Matthew doesn't appear to be a "talking head", so to speak, and gets you more in the mockumentary feel. And while you are showing him in the boring investigative work, that doesn't mean it doesn't have to have things go wrong or a lot of humor involved. Parks and Recreation and The Office showed you can be in a boring job situation but still milk the situations for a lot of laughs.
Best of luck with this.
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
Very dry and a bit confusing for me. The quick cut-to shots didn't really add anything and if the detective is telling the interviewer the stories, how did they have film footage? Reenactments?
I didn't get the elevator scene either. And what was up with the repairmen, too? I see this more as an expose' on a day in the life than a mockumentary.
Hmmm...I do think it’s a mockumentary, but only done in the style of a documentary -- maybe the humor is just too subtle for some folks. The only thing I wish would have been different is poking satirical mock fun at the situations. Not bad by any means. Best of Irish luck!
They're both totally incompetent at what they do. Bit of a keystone cop vibe happening.
Anthony Perkins? A few odd turns of phrase that can be fixed after the challenge.
Example: hit and trial hit and miss. Or: trial and error.
I found the characters quite amusing and the absurdity of the scenarios entertaining. I think perhaps milk the situations for a few more laughs, but not a bad effort. I like the idea here.
I think there is a solid idea here, but this one could definitely use a little fixing up. The writing isn't awful, just a little sloppy here and there. Perhaps a time crunch issue?
Humor is a miss for me. Comedy is subjective, so take that with a grain of salt. I do think you got the mockumentary part down.
"kind of odd seeing him do a desk job"....odd description.
"fellas"? Interviewer is a female voice. Or is that supposed to show he's chauvinistic?
Some good here but a little bogged down by too many stories from Matthew. Maybe shorten it a bit. And I think the cheesecake thing needs some set up...like maybe Matthew is supposed to pay for lunch for crew and Anthony, but he's cheap so free cheesecake ends up being their lunch. Just a thought...to tie it into something.
I'll be honest, I'm a little confused on this one. If I'm understanding it correctly, an interviewer wants juicy details from cops, but the cops have no juicy details, keep getting side-tracked and have incredibly boring (by design) cases? I wanted to get into this one, but I couldn't. I can say it was mostly well-written but while some I've read could've used their full 10 pages for maximum effect, yours would have benefited from a trim, in my opinion. Best of luck.
Nice attempt and the writing seemed fine, saw everything you wanted me to see. The issue here is the story itself. It doesn’t really hold too much interest. Yes, cute in places, but nothing that’s laugh out loud funny. I think I’d you had focused on one story, say the lost dog, you could have built off that, and made that one story line more interesting and funny and creative. Forget the water cooler and the blinds and the sleepwalker — it was all a bit too much.