The Great Zantini and The Chamber of Death by Al Lougher (Britman) writing as Aby Cadabra - Short, Horror - A magician finds the spotlight turned on him when the final act of his Halloween special goes horribly wrong. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nice! I'm in for the ride!

What an excellent read!  You really captured the spectacle of this event. I particularly like the fact you included two twists. Of course, the second one you couldn't have telegraphed it any better than a Western Union message, but nonetheless enjoyed the piece immensely. I love the way you write. Sorry for the lame-ass feedback, but not much to fault. And I'm not gonna nit-pick. Great job.

Oh, cool title page.

Wow, big story!
Nicely executed. Pun intended.  

Love the title font, love the pic.

Did not like the unorthodox use of font (or is it just Italics?) changing throughout. Either way it pulled me up and I thought: what the...? It was not easy on the eye - which imho is the purpose of using a standard (Courier) font, apart from also estimating page count to film length.

The story is v.good.
Your buildup of audience involvement and hysteria was nice, and that magic doovalacky setpiece was suitably gruesome and enthralling for a Halloween short. Not sure you needed the flashback to Chad zipping up his pants...

Some lovely dialogue from Maxine towards the end too, making Chad eat his words. Very cleverly put together

So, apart from my quibbles, great job!

P.S. Forgot to add: you met the brief perfectly with the villain. I should have but didn't pick it while reading. Kicking myself I didn't.

Overall this is well thought out and complete story with all the motives in place and nicely executed at that.

Where's the money from? The act, just one act?
Maybe I missed something. I wanted to get to the bottom of this and kind of rushed he read. That means you kept me on my toes.

but I really liked it until Chad and the beginning of the reveal. After that it started shaping into one of these stories we often see/read. Davina reveal was another twist and you did well by providing us with two in a row.

I'm not sure what I was expecting - it was kind of dreamy and very magical until Chad I guess.

This is still a great job. I wish I could write like that

I remember a time when a fancy font title would cause heads to explode on these forums. Not me, and I'm glad those days are gone. I really like this one and the rest of the script.

You have a very natural, flowing style that makes everything easy to read and follow. This could very well be an episode of CSI, it fights right into the murder mystery mould so popular with TV shows.

I didn't spot who the bad guy was going to be and I liked the double twist at the end. Great job.

This was fun. Well written and I think it worked in the tone you were going for.

My only critique is it could be great if you landed the misdirection thing a bit more. In the end it's just poison in a glass. Perhaps if there was a flashback to her kissing his neck - misdirecting him - as she slips the poison in.

But the main element - her using the young woman as misdirection - was well executed. And I liked that you said they'd realize it was her in the end but you'd be gone by then. I was thinking you were going to pull off the fake death thing.

Only one major plot hole is that she's only got one night's takings to run off with. If you were doing a rewrite - make the take bigger somehow. Or just cut it out. She has a motive - the little bit of money doesn't work.

But this was too good to end on a negative. Well done, you put some love into this and it shows.

Some excellent writing on display here, particularly the early pages.

I'm going to be a contrarian here, but, I wasn't fond of the double twist. The script had such good pace up until about page 10 for me. It just feels like it would have been more satisfying to make the reveal (it's plenty strong on its own) and get out.

But, clearly, my opinion is in the minority, so probably best to just ignore it.

Good job. Fun read.

This was my first read. Let's hope the rest are as strong as this one.

This was very well executed. I would think it is more than suitable for conversion to a feature film. Writer you have a good style that others should copy. The double whammy at the end caught me by surprise and worked. Not much to say as far as criticism. Good writing and a likely winner for this OWC.

Hi writer,

This one is well written with an amazing story. I liked the twist, although saying that Maxine and Davina look alike just like twins did felt over the top to me. I got the second twist beforehand just when Maxine offered Chad the drink, but that doesn't take anything from your efforts that were put by you into writing the script.    

Good luck.

This one wins best title for me -- title-page antics notwithstanding -- but honestly those don't really bug me all that much.  I rather like them sometimes, and this one is alright.

Good writing on display. Excessive italics took me out of the read a bit, though. Suspense is effectively built, and the reveals are well-placed.

My only complaint is ending on Maxine.  This feels like it needs one more scene. Somehow, this story needs to end on showing us Zantini totally screwed. I'm not sure this works entirely proper if you leave his story as just a dangling thread.

It's good, though.  Nice work on display here.  

There's always one that has more time on their hands than the rest of us

Nice title page.
Very well written and with an extra twist just for fun.

Now she is on her own with very little money Magic

One of the better scripts for sure.

Great entry

Well written and an entertaining read!

I appreciate the use of italics to signify that we're in a flashback. It did trip me up at first but once I understood how the italics were being employed, it did a good job of reminding this reader of what time period we were in.

Speaking of time periods, I know this is in the present (or cell phone days, at least) but some of it felt more dated. I was a bit off-put by the misogyny of Zantini & Chad together. Partly a personal thing, for sure, but having both of them run Maxine down (verbally & physically) left me wondering why she'd even let it get this far before taking action.

Hi Writer,

This was great, very enjoyable. There was quite a lot going on but very easy to follow. Such good work within a week.

Didn't see the twist coming and neither would the characters, so another box ticked.

Not much more to say. My favourite so far.

Good luck,
Glenn.

Writer,

A title page like this better have a damn good story to back it up and, well... It does! I thought the italics of the flashback might lose me, but didn't. It actually helped the story flow better, I think. That said, personally, I would have liked to see Maxine on a beach somewhere sipping a cool adult beverage for when she enacts her final revenge. Not sure why she's hanging around, but you had an answer for that, too, and it's plausible. Overall, very good story, well told. Top marks!

Steve

Before I start reading... love the title page!

The has elements and echoes of The Prestige for me, which is one of my fave movies so well done on evoking it.

I can't really say too much more on this, it's a great story very well written!

Brilliant job!