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Re your logline, it needs a bit of a revamp imho. You don't need the comma after senator.
A crowd has gathered outside of a tall building, to watch what looks like a suicide attempt. Just write what we see - a man teetering on the edge of a high-rise building. Or: A 'jumper' on the top floor...
Lower case for parenthetical: (To Malley) (to Malley)
I get this is probably for misdirection: OFFICER MALLEY You would be... A crack whore! - But that line was just out of place and jarring for me. She's in costume for Halloween.
Malley smiles a smile only a Mother could love and even that pushes it. Odd line. It's typically 'a face only a mother could love', but don't mind me.
Some nice humorous touches:
That`s a nice watch, but your wife cheating on you, not a good reason for suicide if you ask me. Sometimes it's a celebration
Jessie?
Walker is Cinderella with a Rolex watch.
Your villain meets the brief. Good guy is bad guy in cahoots with damsel feigning distress. But, my main takeaway is no-one is really likeable. Would be better (imho) if Walker is handsome, charismatic and charming.
This could do with a shot of realism to make it more compelling. The cops are wisecracking and not giving a shit - obviously villains - but if they acted with more compassion or genuine (but turns out fake) concern - this would have more impact.
Some good dialogue though, and we’ll put together.
As mentioned before the crack whore comment took me out of it.
I enjoyed this one for the most part. Thought it was quite well written and the twist really got me in the end. I've read it again, and maybe I should've seen it coming. But, good job on that. Good villains too.
What happened to Halloween? If the characters hadn't mention it, I never would've known. Maybe I'm too jaded with police procedurals. Or maybe MARVAL films. Writing was ok. No problem there.
Due to the nature of this OWC and the way the cops were acting, I kinda guessed where this was heading but I still enjoyed it anyway. As mentioned in one of the comments above, if you wanted to misdirect the audience more you could have the cops being nicer, more professional but then maybe it wouldn't be as entertaining.
A good read that covers the parameter adequately.
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HaHa! Nice twist at the end! Do people still double-space after periods? Asking for a friend. Anyway. I liked this because it didn't take itself too seriously. At all, really. Typos and stuff, yeah, but I'm sure you were pressed for time. Not really much to do with Halloween, eh? I would have liked more banter between Clint and the Officer -- a missed opportunity, I think. Some funny interactions in there, but you could have made this so much funnier. At least that's the route I'd have taken. Overall...
Pretty good work, but more time in on this one could have really made it shine!
This is written decently with a good plot and fast, witty dialog. So, they are ganged up against the Senator so that Sarah gets a successful run as the Senator. Good plot.
I did enjoy reading this one. Good dynamic writing, easy to follow. Loving the humorous dialogue - 'I could design software quicker than Mark Zukernut could shit' lol. Though I couldn't always tell Malley and Walker apart, they felt very similar in dialogue and action.
The Jessie thing took me out of the story a bit. Had to track back and see if I had missed his/her introduction. Was this just a mistake - Was Jessie supposed to be Rennie? Also Rennie is detailed as gorgeous but her face is concealed by a mask?
Sorry enough criticism - still enjoyed reading this one, good entry.
Interesting relationships. Be careful that a renamed character is renamed through the entire script. Prose should, by an large, always be in present tense.
I think I get where the plot stands: a crime of passion disguised as a suicide. Character behavior starting on page 2 got a little out of hand for me. If Walker was smart enough to help orchestrate a smear campaign, he'd be smart enough to avoid contact with his lover (in fact, going a little too far to avoid contact which would be a tell in itself).