SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 5:11pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Halloween 2021 One Week Challenge  ›  Place Your Seatbacks and Tray Tables ... - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Place Your Seatbacks and Tray Tables ... - OWC  (currently 1233 views)
Don
Posted: October 16th, 2021, 11:05am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Place Your Seatbacks And Tray Tables In The Upright Position by The Mad Hatter - A Mile Hi Wedding Hits some Stormy Weather.  Short, Drama


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 5:25am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
This certainly hits the mark of the bad guy is revealed at the end, the only problem is it is so far out of left field I didn't buy it. Why does the FAM just kill everyone? The reason we are given, is just because she could. It isn't enough for me.

Up until that point you did really well. I'd say there were way too many characters and I lost track of who was who, but you pulled off a busy flight with a Halloween party, a wedding and a terrorist which isn't easy to do. The story has a beginning, middle but no end, which is frustrating.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 17
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 6:06am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1565
Posts Per Day
0.29
Just when I thought it was safe to fly again!

Wow. You crammed a lot into this. I'm not sure Houdini could have pulled that off. God knows, I'm not infallible. I could be dead wrong. but I think this suffers from too many characters. More to the point, I question, did you need that many Flight Attendants? If it was your intention to have a bunch of suspects to throw us off...it was a valiant effort, but I had her pegged right away. Caught this too; the homage to Dan Cooper...  who bailed out at an altitude of 8,000 feet. Nice. Not sure how I feel about the ending. Overall, I thought this was solid. Best of Irish Luck.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 17
Anon
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 6:32am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
203
Posts Per Day
0.07
Sorry but your own bit of dialogue sums this one up ...

ELAINE
No reason. Just because I could.


There is no reason behind the story or all the characters. It's all unrelated. You can write but maybe this one was thrown together 'on the fly' mwahahaha.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 17
SAC
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 4:52am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

Well, that was adventurous. Holy character count, Batman. Didn't you want to throw some cheerleaders and a herd of sheep on that plane, too? JK. Anyway, this script had it all at 30,000 ft. Halloween was sort of an afterthought here. I would have been inclined to like this a touch more had I understood the reason why Elaine did what she did at the end. Any tension you had built wasn't sustained because you kept jumping around -- so much side story that you had to, I guess. Hard to cram this all into 12 pages.

That said, good effort but misses the mark because just too much going on left this story without much direction. For what it's worth, it was entertaining.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 17
Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 11:31am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.89
I lost count of the characters at 8 and lost my comprehension of the story at page 6.

It was a little convoluted. I just can't enjoy what I don't understand.

All the best


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 17
ColinS
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Serve the Public Trust

Location
UK
Posts
232
Posts Per Day
0.23
Hey Mad Hatter,

I was really quite enjoying this read - Flowed really well, clever humorous dialogue. Certainly efficiently written.

There was a planes worth of characters to get my head around - I don't think half of them needed names let alone characters descriptions, they hardly featured in the plot. I'm mainly talking about the flight attendants.

The marriage and consummation on the plane was great, I loved that.

The terrorist subplot did up the ante but I felt the federal Marshall found it way too easy to deal with it. Perhaps that could have been stretched out a bit.

As for the Marshall being the ultimate bad guy or bad girl - Not sure it worked for me, but the challenges criteria was very difficult to meet, so this is a good effort.
Good luck.


"Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..."
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 17
irish eyes
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1865
Posts Per Day
0.37
I gotta give it to you for the twist the obvious one was Farouk!

So kudos on that!

Packed everyone into that Airplane and then some. Now throw a Halloween party and a wedding in there... sure why not   

No... reason just because I could   yeah. For all your action packed, multiple characters you could have come full circle...  Maybe she hated the bride??? Had some weird fantasy for the future husband?? Anything would have better.

Good job on entering


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 17
PKCardinal
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Dangit. You had me curious, wondering how this was all going to play out... then, you just threw the door open and bailed.

"Because I can" is just not a satisfying character motivation.

As a result, any good work done before that was wasted.

Too bad, because there are some good bits in here to work with.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 17
Dukeman42
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
15
Posts Per Day
0.02
I love a suspenseful midair story! This hits some of those notes.

Realistically, the story ended on Page 5 before they left the ground, because someone nearby would've reacted much more forcefully to Farouk's comments (who is written too stereotypical, though I appreciate his timely motivation). The reveal of the true villain is a good touch but even with the little bit of backstory we have for them, there must be more motivation than "because I can" to satisfy an audience.

In a story with this many characters, consider introducing minor speaking roles in prose right before they speak (I had to scroll back in the script to remind myself who characters were, like Felix). Following on that, in a script this brief, consider consolidating minor speaking roles to avoid confusion for the reader.

A suggestion that has saved lines in my prose, and streamlined the read, is to look at any instance where a character "is doing" something, and see if they can "do" instead. ex: "Gail is escorting four nuns" vs "Gail escorts four nuns." A small thing, and there are times when you may need that 'is,' but it will improve the flow of your prose.

I'm glad I'm not planning to fly any time soon!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 17
Britman
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 9:14am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Not in Britain
Posts
101
Posts Per Day
0.02
If you're writing a short, that takes place in a location that has a lot of people, then just create the smallest number of characters possible and stick with them throughout. This just has way too many characters to keep track of. By page 4 I couldn't even remember who anyone was. It seems like every page you introduce someone new. By page 5, I was wondering if you were going to introduce all 172 passengers by name. After that I just found myself skimming.

Writing was okay in parts. Some on the nose dialogue, or just irrelevant banter throughout. The setting is unique, I give you that, but the reveal was completely tacked on and without any motive.

Overall, this didn't work for me, sorry.


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 17
Yuvraj
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 10:07am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Why you wanna know?
Posts
779
Posts Per Day
0.50
Hi writer,

The story had a twist at the end which I liked. The writing here is a bit off and I think it could use some polishing to make it leaner. Surely, there are a lot of characters, but considering it is a commercial aircraft, it is understandable. Although, I feel that the character introductions could be improved.

Good luck.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 17
bert
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 10:15am Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
This one appeared intriguing at the outset -- with its initial SUPER that feels both ominous and prescient -- but it quickly lost me with the character dump on page two.

That is not how it's done if you appreciate your reader.

And then we get Farouk, and oh boy, this character is...something.

And then this thing truly careens off the rails. I kind of respect the audacity of the storytelling, but this one just doesn't work for me.  It's too much to swallow.  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 17
AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Hmm, it's competently written but I didn't buy it with the setup of the would be terrorist, air marshall etc...

And then the twist... sorry, not for me.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 17
Zack
Posted: October 20th, 2021, 11:33am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Erlanger, KY
Posts
4487
Posts Per Day
0.69
Alright... The title and logline. What's going on there? How does that happen? Not a good start...

The writing is MUCH better than the title and logline would suggest. Not perfect, quite a few typos, but nothing terrible.

The issue with this one, besides the awful title and logline, is that it's just far too bloated. I tuned out on page 2 when you dumped a handful of characters in my lap. Bizzare choice for a short script. It's hard to connect with any of these characters, let alone remember who is who.

"Just because I could." Yeah, that's a tough sell that you didn't earn.

This is a good effort, but you've got to keep at it. Read more and write more. You'll get there.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 17
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The Halloween 2021 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006