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The Director by Aaron Guzzo - Thriller, Psychological - A group of desperate New York City actors realize that the director of their off-Broadway play is a psychopath who is not just directing their play, but their personal lives, using increasingly disturbing means. Based on the play by Nancy Hasty. 89 pages -
Writing This is your strongest point. I enjoyed your writing very much! I was floored after reading the first 5 pages. Considering I've been reading Poor Things, Landscape With Invisible Hands, Blackberry and Barbie in a past few days before reading this. Bravo. You've got talent.
Now take what I say with a glass of salt. I brainstormed after reading your script to come to the conclusions about why I felt certain ways.
Adaptation I skipped the cover page to start with so I didn't know it was adapted from a play but I feel in its current state it works much better as a play vs a movie. The following points especially dialogue are the reasons for this.
Plot Another strong point with your story is the plot. It's sharp and clean, with some good foreshadowing. But I'll be focusing on actionable feedback throughout. I want to be clear, I think you have great stuff, but I want to focus on feedback not accolades.
- the "play acting" you got me the first two times but after that I knew what was coming, the fake snakes, Max as Barney... You repeated the same trick too many times making it easy to see through the sequences. A magician has more than a trick up his sleeve.
-why don't they leave? I mean okay the first time but yeah no GTFO. This one I let it slide as a reader as I see what your trying to do and I get it they want to be actors and they might think this could be a big break. Sally I get it. Joel yeah no he be on a plane far away from Peter same for Meg(after what he did to her and what he discovered). And Annie would find a new director. Why does Sally work? Cause she has nothing to lose, and Peter paid her apartment. I think Sally could also use more screen time. Especially with your ending.
- When the cops arrive, with Joel at the end, it plays with the suspense of disbelief that's already hanging on by a thread (see subplots). Audience are master detectives on police/law operations. Cops would never have let Joel inside the ancient theatre, especially since he could be a murderer. He would be waiting in the back of a police cruiser. Only way you have me as an audience let this slide is you haven't tried to pull anything cheap by me already. But you did quite a few times (sub plots). As an audience I would feel cheated and check out. As in, "Okay that's it, I can't watch this anymore, there's no way..."
Sub Plot This is where you missed an opportunity
-Joel's subplot of investigating leads nowhere? No confrontation? It's left in a cul-de-sac with no results. This made it hard for me to accept Joel not leaving early on... After all he knows... Hard pill to swallow.
-Annie, oh Annie you made me take a step back and made me say out loud, "what the fuck did I just read". The scene with the boot licking... home run! but I don't buy it. Why? Because she already shown to be able to confront Peter. Though he's won a lot of arguments. for someone to listen to his command they need to be in complete submission to another. The fact that she doesn't confront him about the pictures of the actors??? I couldn't buy into her behavior for a moment.
There's a similar scene in The Man Who killed Don Quixote. Where a lady licks a man's boot. There she does it cause he has total control over her. That control comes from her having to depend on everything she desires that man has given her and not licking his boot she would lose it all. This is done in front of a crowd and It's believable because the story set up the relationship and her reasons as to why shy obeys.
You haven't done this with Annie yet. I don't see her obsession with him, I could see max licking his boot out of obsession. She doesn't feel submissive, she the one paying for everything... I don't feel her love for him. I feel her admiration for his directional talent, I guess? But to that degree no. And he doesn't seem to have a track record so why has she even chosen him?
-where's Sally's subplot? She is the "chosen one" and the best character in the first 5 pages. Yet she has no sub plot. Other than the vague story of her not being able to pay her apartment. I want of of her.
Characters I'm starting to run out of gas so I'll be more breath with the last 2 points.
The characters all share the same external goal to make the play. Peter has other plans but he's the engine of the plot he's pulling the strings. Love it. Instead of having events push the story forward you have a character physically moving the story along. I think this to be the best aspect of the story.
But what about internal goals? I feel Peter somewhat feels like he wants to express his vision and all that madness but the others?
I feel this would help the characters be fleshed out more instead of what we have right now. It is pretty muddy in terms of distinction. They don't stand out enough as individuals but rather all the same voice. I could swap around their names in scenes and I could make it pass the X person is X.
Which brings me to dialogue
Dialogue You have some genius dialogue, so I know you can pull it off! So why! Christ you have some great bits but for the love god, WHY put me through blocks of on the nose soliloquies and cheap dialogue exposition/story explanation rather than action.
The bit of dialogue between Peter and Annie in the Hallway after he made her play the maid.
Peter "I had you play the maid because the maid accepts. She accepts the circumstances she's in. And she serves. Something that you need practice at."
WAZAM this is some magic. - tells so much about who Peter is - doesn't divulge plot details but what that character wants, his desire to control. - great wording, Clean, doesn't drag
Peter Without a home? Uhh... about two years. But homeless? Never. The theater is my home. The theater was there when my parents weren't, when people failed me. The theater is my constant. It gives me stability and love. It is my mentor, my friend, and my lover. I'm asking our actors to live their roles, I'm living mine. Here I can always be the director.
-exposition dump with dialogue is cheap, its fine a few times but Peter does this way too much and he talks to much. -on the nose dialogue. -theres a lot of this with Peter it feels very theatrical , good for the stage not for the screen.
I think that should be good for now. In the state it is in, I could see this as a cheap thrill to stream vs what it could be: in the theatres.
WOW, thanks for the in-depth notes. These will require some substantial rewrites to fix, because they pertain to the very core of who these characters are, but I think it will be well worth the work. I've always felt that there's something here, but "something here" alone does not a movie make.
Aaron, I had a look at this and read the first few pages.
I notice you have essentially written this based on an existing work (play) by Nancy Hasty. Did you and your writing partner get permission to adapt this?
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The Director
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Best of luck with it!
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