Random notes for suggestions, Stevie, which I appreciate you'll take or leave. But the typos you should take.
I will preface by saying you've done a terrific job here. Stellar idea mixing zombies with Everest & trekkers and it shows that you've actually been there!
Apparently this genre continues to pump out more and more & audiences have an insatiable appetite for zombies. I just started watching yet another Korean zombie series on Netflix and the trailer (at least) was great. Have to watch more to determine if it's a winner.
Anyway, as I read:
Heads off to one of the many teahouses This is vague as to where the shooting of this actual location is.
LATERRandomly placed on separate lines all these LATER headings are weird imho and will bloat your script, plus a lot of the time they're completely separate locations.
The trip to base camp seemed mighty fast. Maybe a bit more of a transition is needed?
Only eleven thousand feet
form here to the summit. (typo)
INSERT SCREENSHOT (would be better on the previous page – bottom page 8 instead of top of page 9.
That said this is not my understanding of how Inserts work.
taking in this bucket list moment
in. (Typo)
Snaps some pics, shoots some vid.This type of abbreviation seems more character oriented and that the writer is rushed.
Hey, thats cool. (typo p.10) typo - apostrophe missing.
Maybe a bit more meaningful dialogue before poor Ryan cops it and descends into oblivion? Maybe add a layer as to the reason Ryan's taking this trek so we feel more for him?
Hey, is that your friends wa-- jesus, what the... typo there, plus it really should be an em dash not an ellipses there, and that's a crazy line of dialogue that may benefit from the Lord's name being capped.
I wrote this in the script writing class thread many moons ago: FYI:
En dashes ( – ) and em dashes ( — ), have slightly different uses. And, they shouldn't be confused with hyphens which are used to join words and to separate syllables of a single word
The em dash ( — ) or double en dash is used primarily when a thought is interrupted by another character butting in, or by a sound i.e., bang on the door etc. Technically an em dash is a wider line and more like the length of two dashes but most screenwriting software doesn't enable it, hence why you see so many scripts with two en dashes put together.
If you're a pedant, em dashes can actually be formatted in Final Draft but you need to enable it in every separate screenplay. Send me a PM if you really want to know how.
An ellipses is altogether different in purpose. It is used when a character's speech trails off. A lot of writers over use the ellipses, and a lot of writers use them incorrectly i.e., when they should be using an em dash.
Your screenplay will look cleaner if you get em' right.
When it comes down to it, nobody's going to give a hoot where you put your dots and dashes if your story jumps off the page but it's a good idea to know what's what.Imho, you're overusing and misusing ellipses imho. They're everywhere!
Buries it's beak into Ryan’s thigh (typo)
Okay, cleanup on size 4! I won't point out all the typos & yep, you have fixed a ton of them & I get it's a first draft but quite a few remain.
RYAN
Man, thirsty work. Hey, what you
doing there?Needs a line of description/transition between those two lines (above) imho.
Again, INSERT (the way you use them as CLOSE UP, focus on. Not sure I've seen that done before like that.
This (below) would have to be a SUPER or spelled out in dialogue.
It’s nearly four pm when they arrive back at the village.Worn out...Ryan has had no trouble with his leg and is in good spirits.This should be a new sentence, present tense, and don't tell us ‘no trouble', show us him getting around nimbly, as normal. Always a good trick though, like Kane in Alien. The calm before the shit hits the fan.
Why would Hannah tell him this (below) when he has no trouble walking. It’d be more credible coming from Nick still being concerned.
HANNAH
I’ll second that. But first things
first.You get that leg checked.He suddenly sits up, SCREAMS. A gush of black liquid like oil
from his stretched mouth. Roddy jumps to avoid it.That's two different shots btw, and technically should show on two separate lines.
You don't need the ‘like oil' imho.
Perhaps he bends, clutches his stomach in agony, and a a gush of black liquid spews from his gaping mouth.
Or a projectile of viscous black liquid erupts from his mouth.
I think the sections are obvious where you're rushing a lot of this. Just saying, some of it is spot on, and some a bit 'this'll do'.
The stench is horrendousYou can easily show this with their reactions.
She firmly leads the old man to their cabin, relieves him of
the knife. He says nothing, sits in his chair out the front.
Amrita returns to the teahouse as the others watch on.Example above of you skipping location headings there.
They head back towards camp. Derek looks around. The raven
is following them, hopping from rock to rock. He shivers.Love that image above! Might it be good if the Raven is unseen by Derek every time he looks back?
Love the way the Raven disappears when anyone attempts to harm it or lobs something at it.
BREE
Hey, leave it. It’s just a
defenseless bird. Cone on, lets get
a coffee from the kitchen. It’s
amazing what the Sherpa cooks can
do with limited facilities.Bit on the nose that last bit of dialogue. Take out 'limited facilities' imho. Typo with 'cone'.
Your its and it's are a problem throughout.
The sounds of the expedition voices, clatter of
utensils and laughter lend a background layer to the silent
peaks. A single red glow keeps vigil on the outskirts..
Lovely atmospheric vibe there. I'd take out ‘expedition' and just leave it at voices.
All the creatures - undead, zombies, whatever
stand and SCREECH as one... Whatever?? That's just lazy.
Photos and vids? Lazy again.
Vignettes of Sherpas climbing in rainy conditions, hammering
in pitons, lashing wooden ladders across yawning crevasses.
Occasionally, one falls, tumbling without sound.Terrific image above! Love it.
Delete (
few) women.
Our women is stronger.
His protector is a Sherpa
girl, barely fourteen, face streaked with blood and tears.
Make more of her. She's there, then gone. She's good!
It was myself who suggested...I suggested. Okay, it's dialogue so anything goes but it read awkwardly to me.
Burial place.
Burial ground is stronger perhaps?
The bullet hits one eye, bringing the bird to the cave
floor amongst the undead. It continues to caw fiercely even
as the entrance is sealed with rock and ice. Very nice image!
Man, what a day so far.
Really? Seems a bit of an understatement.
LATER
The helipad is a large concrete slabThe Helipad is the location, and the scene heading.
You really don't need these LATER slugs continually as written.
Does the MEDIC have a name? Doc? (In the chopper scene)
Okay, scrap that, MEDIC is a different guy and we dropped Doc off. Nearly missed that.
MINGMA
It’s the American. He’s fully
changed. He has killed the crew.Some things sound a bit hokey. Far better if that dialogue ends at: He's fully changed. He's killed the crew will shortly be obvious or just say, the crew are all dead.
Likewise here, p.43:
MIKE
My god, this is terrible. I’m not
sure anyone could survive that.MINGMA
Or anything...
Nonetheless, they all run towards the crash site. There’s no
flame or smoke, just some random sparks.
STEVE
Thank god it’s not burning. And the
fuel tank has broken off.I'd start with them running & with Nick's dialogue.
Trekkers eyes should be Trekker’s eyes. You fixed that one. P.45
Way too many ellipses everywhere (sorry, broken record) where they should be full stops, commas, or emdashes.
A lot of 'suddenlys' too, but I get that's difficult.
The noise is immense? deafening, perhaps?
Great job, Hannah!
Ben nods, runs back to collect the drone and the laptop. Location?
The pair nod, head off to where a line of the first trekkers
are setting out from the teahouses. The other watch.
Again we can see this from the location we're already in?
HANNAH
You think the expedition at base
Camp have been attacked?
MINGMA
It sounded like it. We may have to
accept they have all been killed
and changed into the undead.Bit hokey that dialogue.
They heard the distress call. At least someone should mention it or they sound stoopid & reiterating it for the audience.
Closer - the figures are more of the creatures like the late
Ryan. Clothing ripped by contorted muscles, wounds on their
bodies, attacking humans as the camera rolls. It’s like a
scene from hell...Like the late Ryan? You can do better than that.
BEN
He sure was. You know, I came to
Nepal to walk in the footsteps of
Hilary and Tenzing, and experience
the majesty of the Himalayas.
(beat)
I didn’t expect I’d have to be Rick
fucking Grimes.Pop culture references are only going to detract from your own independent zombie film imho.
There's a fine line and it can be humorous but here I don't think you do your characters and your original script any favours.
Tell the
kitchen staff it’s an emergency.What? Tell them instead that there’s a horde of rampaging zombies headed their way and they need to run for their lives more like it.
NICK
Bloody Aussies. We’re crazy. Oh,
god, look at these things.The Aussie references are coming thick and fast and are becoming a bit daft. A bit too much author intervention here. When you're subtle about it (see next lot of feedback) it works well
And now MINUTES LATER is a slug on its own?
Gas cylinders is a nice touch.
As the drone zooms along, some of the creatures turn to look
at it this annoyance, displaying a chilling intelligence.
Then the blades ate once more among them, decapitating at
will. It nears the front, covered in black ichor.
(Mixing your tenses there, and a typo - ate).
STEVE
Hannah and I have plans of starting
a family soon. I wouldn’t want her
to be in danger. So we might leave?This just didn't sound natural to my ear.
NICK
Wait. I have a better idea. I used
to work for a gas production
company. We filled these type of...Just have him be knowledgeable & experienced, and have a good idea. The job bit, nah. Too deus ex machina, same as later on with Ben being able to pilot a chopper. By all means write it in, but the dialogue needs to be more deft.
Cont. (shortly).
P.S. Write your contact email details on the title Page.
P.P.S. In case you haven't noticed I'm being really picky cause it's a terrific concept and script.