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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  My 1 and Only Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 22nd, 2022, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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My 1 and Only (feature) by Bernard Antoine Mersier - Drama - Christopher is a dedicated father who is falsely accused by the mother of his daughter, leading to him doing time in jail creating a new hatred towards her once he's released. 92 pages

Synopsis; Production

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 12th, 2023, 11:20am
revised draft
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Nomad
Posted: January 25th, 2022, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Bernard.

I read the first few pages and here are some of my notes:


  • You should have a copyright symbol and year on the cover sheet to protect yourself.
  • The quote on page 1 is going to turn a lot of people off. Does it appear on screen? Is this the moral of the script? Why is this here?
  • Your script reads more like a novel than a screenplay.
  • You should write in an active voice instead of a passive voice.
  • You have two main characters named Christian and Christopher. That will get confusing very quickly. Change one of the names to be completely different.


That's about all I have from skimming the first few pages.

-Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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