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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Double-Blind Moderators: bert
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  Author    Double-Blind  (currently 793 views)
Don
Posted: July 25th, 2022, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Double-Blind by Ben Clifford - Horror , Thriller - A troubled ex-con joins an experimental sleep study in the hopes of reuniting with the son she lost to the foster-care system, but sinister revelations about the study lead her to suspect that she and her loved ones are in terrible danger. 100 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  July 25th, 2022, 6:33pm
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AlsoBen
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Thanks Don! (I think the title bit has a  formatting error)

I’d love feedback on this one - have an exchange thread, too!


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LC
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Fixed the link, Ben.

And up to page 62.


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AlsoBen
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Awesome thanks! Excited for your thoughts on it!


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AlsoBen
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(I changed the Dropbox doc that it links to ever so slightly, but the changes are all superficial and by no means significant if anyone's partway through.)


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AlsoBen
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Sorry for triple-posting, but I got paid coverage for this script (which I generally don't do, think it's a scam, especially Blcklist, but this was a reputable and top-billed non-blcklikst site and I just got my tax return) and they gave it a "recommend" and said it placed in the readers' "top 10%" of "overall impression". I know all of that is meaningless, but I have no where else to share this! It was also pretty spot-on with it's criticism, although not very actionable. If anyone wants the Coverage site, DM me. I'm not here to advertise.


Quoted Text
OPENING THOUGHTS
This is a gripping and emotionally captivating dark character study (It's a bit misleading to call this a
horror script, but we can get to details on that below) about an ex-con with a disturbing past of sexual
abuse struggling to get her estranged son back into her life while also dealing with the night terrors
that keep her from moving on from past trauma. The writer shows an immense amount of
compassion and empathy towards the character, making the audience root for her to get through her
many mental illness issues and find some form of normalcy or even happiness.
While doing this, the writer also doesn't shy away from brutally and honestly exploring the many
character defects and hangups that the character has, from extremely low self-esteem to drug and sex
addiction brought on by her innate inability to process the sexual trauma from her past, delivering a
levelheaded and fair character study that has a captivating and organic arc to it. The pharmaceutical
conspiracy plot that seems to be the writer's focal approach to marketing this material doesn't come
across as nearly well-executed and well-rounded as the simple but immensely effective character
study. So the script is certainly on the right track, but it can still use a bit of work to allow the writer to
create a narrative balance that focuses more on elements of the story that really pop off the page.
Let's dig into these details below.

CHARACTERS
Madison is a fascinating character who is captivating to the audience mainly because she's definitely
far from perfect, but she has immense drive and passion when it comes to her desire to better herself
and become a better mother to her son, no matter how horrid the circumstances were that brought
that kid to life. The writer immediately starts from a place of empathy that allows the audience to feel
for the protagonist even when they don't have the complete story about how her son was conceived
and what she did to end up in prison for so long. During the course of the story, the protagonist
struggles to get a better handle on her life so she can get her son back. She has a very clear and strong
goal throughout the narrative, which makes her an inherently strong character whose motivation the
audience can fully get behind. The writer cleverly doesn't treat the character's development with kid
gloves and shows that she is very far from being perfect and might not actually be the perfect mother
for her son in the state that she's in. The audience understands this tragedy within the protagonist's
life and might agree with the idea that she's not ready, no matter how much they might be on her side
when it comes to wanting her to reunite with her son in a full-time fashion. So the dramatic character
development is aces. If this was meant to be a simple character study, a drama that doesn't really

center on a specific plot and direct genre elements but is mainly about following this character's
journey into perhaps a futile desire for self-recovery, there wouldn't be many notes about the
character development in this section. However, when it comes to evaluating the character through
the lens of the genre and plot elements that the writer is going for, there can be some more work for
the next drafts to boost these elements a bit more. Let's first touch on the proposed genre of the
project, that being horror. This isn't really a horror project with supernatural elements, since the horror
elements come from the night terrors that the character experiences, so there's more of a
psychological thriller aspect to the character's journey. When this is the case, the night terror
sequences work toward giving the audience more information about the character's subconscious
while also using visual creativity to create some disturbing sequences. This makes the project more of
a character-based drama with some thriller-like elements that focus on the emotional and
psychological development of the character rather than an outright genre experiment where the
narrative focal point is mostly on providing roller coaster-like thrills and scares for the audience. When
this is the case, each of the night terror sequences should give more information about the character's
subconscious than the previous night terror sequence. The writer does a great job with this when it
comes to the script's opening hook. It's creepy, scary, and gives the audience a lot of information
about the inner turmoil that the character is going through before the audience even meets the
character in the real world. Later on, some of the night terror sequences also dig into the character's
neuroses, like the one where the social worker makes fun of her with another social worker, exposing
the protagonist's extremely low self-esteem. But later on, the night terror sequences either entirely
disappear or feel like they are inserted just to keep the genre elements of the story intact. For example,
why does she have night terrors about her son finding her dead body at that point in the story? If there
was some character development about how she's afraid that Reza will forget about her existence
while she's in the drug study, this could explain the night terror symbolizing her fear of being "dead" to
her child through some literal nightmare imagery. The night terrors disappear mostly during the latter
half of the script, which is a bit of a shame because this also takes away the audience's ability to dig
further into the character's subconscious. Because of her trauma, she's not a character who's naturally
extroverted and isn't forthcoming with every other character about her inner turmoil. So these scenes,
while also providing some genre scares, give the audience some more insight into the character.

PLOT
The drug conspiracy plot about the drug tests turning out to be a conspiracy to test out a new secret
drug that makes people more productive comes in a bit too late into the script and feels a bit

underdeveloped. It would have been totally fine to leave that plot development behind and focus as
much on the development of the character's arc as possible. If this is meant to be a vital part of the
character's journey, then it's hard to see how it fits into the themes of the story. The themes dig into
the character in a more cerebral and psychological manner, but the twist about the drug leans toward
a more practical theme, about the character's inability to find work or be more focused on work.

STRUCTURE
Continuing from above: This problem with finding work isn't really developed across the script as a
major block in the way. it's mentioned in dialogue a couple of times, but there aren't any major
subplots with the character looking for work, or finding work but being bad at it because she can't
focus. And when this twist is revealed, what does it really mean for the character's arc? Why is she mad
about a drug that makes people more productive. The very final scene sticks out a bit as being atonal.
It belongs in more of a traditional thriller. Once the protagonist is established as having a baby and
turning her life around, why would she then risk everything by murdering the doctor?

DIALOGUE
The overall dialogue work is terrific for the most part, mainly because it relies heavily on tenderly
executed character development work that finds a great balance between empathy and brutal
honesty when digging deep into the protagonist's frail and fragmented psyche. Some of the dialogue
gives away a bit too much of the twists. For example, it's meant to be a big reveal that at the end that
the protagonist caused a crash that almost killed Reza, but her dream at the very beginning shows
Reza openly talking about what happened, which makes it very easy to guess that the information
about the car seat refers to a car accident where the protagonist was responsible.

CONCEPT
The premise of a tight and really-well executed character study about this fascinating protagonist
works really well. As far as the genre elements are concerned, the night terror sequences shouldn't

disappear for so long if this is meant to be marketed as a psychological horror piece, and the drug
conspiracy plot is underdeveloped. It fizzles after a while.

FINAL THOUGHTS
When characters speak through the phone, use (ON PHONE) instead of (VO). Some information is
repeated. For example, when the protagonist tells her sister about how she got pregnant, just cut to
the point where the character has been brought up to speed, since the audience already knows what
happened.


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LC
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Ben, I am currently writing up my notes for this, so tempting as it is, I am not looking at your Coverage Report.


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AlsoBen
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Haha my apologies. I had to get something for my money!


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Storey_Matters
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That's great. Now, you can use that recommend when you pitch to producers. You're doing it the right way
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LC
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I gotta say these Dropbox files drive me crazy.
Is it just me?

SPOILERS BELOW



...
A troubled ex-con joins an experimental sleep study in the hopes of reuniting with the son she lost to the foster-care system, but sinister revelations about the study lead her to suspect that she and her loved ones are in terrible danger.

So Logline first & expectations based on same.
Ben, first off I never got that Madison’s loved ones were in danger, and the threats to Madison need ramping up too, to really correspond to your Logline and expectations of same.

From the outset this was an engrossing read as always and you had me in the palm of your hand in terms of me really wanting to know what was going to happen next and how it all ended.

That said, you're going to need a whole lot more, imho, for this to qualify as Horror or Psychological Horror/Thriller for it to be more satisfying and be true to what's promised in your logline.

Heavy-duty psychological drama it is, and you know your stuff there.

That said, to take this up a level my advice is to develop the surreal living nightmare and psychological aspects more. When Madison has her fit in the office with Gregory when the Technician in the OB office says something about the doctor and the sleep study, when the suits follow her onto the bus, Dorky guy etc.,  – you need more of these surreal departure from real life moments. (Btw, Technicians in my experience always step out of the room to let you dress and undress.) Get around that by either having that conversation while she's settling the account or have her disappear behind a modesty screen.

Overall ala Jacob's Ladder and Devil's Advocate, Madison needs to be having more instances of difficulty differentiating her dream life from her waking life and the two merging.

Example: Dorky guy on the bus.
You could have him vanish into thin air. Have Madison question her sanity. Have her look around at the other passengers for verification he was actually there, having a conversation with her. Have the passengers all unable to make eye-contact, look away embarrassed, or not acknowledge her at all. That could serve well as another example of was it real? What is real? She should be questioning what she sees and experiences at more regular intervals if we're to go from drama to Psychological Horror.

The Capitalist idea? A drug to make people more productive? Hmm, while it's an interesting idea (reminds me a little of Apple TVs Severance) especially to get through grief etc., there wasn't really enough of it and imho no negative ramifications seemed to come from it anyway (making people productive/in search of the almighty dollar) did not really work for me in terms of being threatening or being preyed upon or causing mortal damage so Madison's life being the focal point (considering she took the placebo) didn't quite gel for me or meet expectations.

Ashley on the other hand did take the drug. He doesn't turn into anything threatening either. He just becomes the antithesis of his fun-loving adventure seeking self, devoid of responsibility to anyone, but otherwise benign.

If on the other hand he denied ever having met Madison, denied the study, or even disappeared off the face of the earth (she finds him too easily imho) then that would be something else.

Using the 'dregs of society' for the drug trial really made me sit up and take notice btw. It had a distinctly -Extreme Measures- menacing feel to it, but then I felt the rug pulled out cause essentially they're transformed for good, not evil so it just doesn't go far in terms of fodder for Horror.

I wanted Madison to get the drug. I wanted mind-bending stuff.
The study is blink and you might miss it. The promise in your logline is that 'sinister' results from its involvement.

The break-in scene is a bit too easy. You set it up well. I personally love watching scenes where there's a strong possibility someone's going to get caught, but it didn't happen. They're in, they're out again, no problem.

It takes talent to write scenes where you physically want to avert your eyes from what a character is doing or saying. You accomplish this very adeptly. Ever see a recent film called 'Unforgivable'? I had the same feeling with Sandra Bullock's character in that. Madison says the wrong things, does the wrong things, to the point you want to shake her or alternately cover your eyes. Straight out of prison, drugs, sexual promiscuity, break and enter, assault, verbal assault. It's actually not an easy thing to create a character who's on a direct path to self-destruction, who at times does things that make you want to put your hand over your eyes and tell her to stop! So, all credit to you.

Your opening scene didn’t make a lot of sense to me when I read it. The set up, with its headers – somewhere, sometime... I do see what you were aiming for and I assume you elected to stay away from calling this a dream sequence' but... Only when I got to the end did I see that piece of the jigsaw puzzle come together.

Things just needed to go haywire for me more in terms of Madison.

Think Mary Ann Lomax in 'The Devil's Advocate'.  Singer in 'Jacob's Ladder'.

You go one step too far for me at the end though with that twist. If I read it right? Did I, I'm not sure?
Did Madison turn from victim to Instigator, thus being a huge twist and turning the tables on atypical abusers? The 'knife' scene tells me I may have misinterpreted that.

This line:
'I'm going to f*** you so good
So that you stop working altogether, Daddy'
- was a wth moment for me.

Is that connected to the Capitalism theme, or am I way off?

Hun should be Hon, as in Honey, fyi.

Reza seems a bit too smart for his age. I think some things (his real dad's identity) should have gone over his head.
Madison is a bit daft showing him the photo.
Speaking of, Madison appears to lose sight of Reza once she becomes pregnant and Reza completely disappears from the plot when it was her entire reason for being, previously
.
I think the lesbian couple could be a bit gentler - or at least one of them be a softer foil. Too often I see lesbians in particular portrayed as abrasive tough as nails personalities. Not saying you did this. You could say this is coincidental and a direct offshoot of Madison's behaviour deserving of it, regardless of sexual orientation, but that was the cliched feeling I came away with.

Your ending is a little bit anticlimactic, and unexpected. Did it change from the earlier version I read?
I never really understood why Madison beat up the doctor. Or why she returns to exact revenge at the end (I assume that's Madison lurking in the shadows?)

Madison completes her journey in the story but really doesn't appear changed or that she suffered any adverse reactions from the study. Far as I could tell her night terrors were as they were at the start so why the motivation for such brutal payback on the doctor?

Your dialogue as usual is seamless.
Your human observations, spot on.

I think your premise of night-terrors invading daytime is terrific.

The Capital Seeking premise just wasn't strong enough or scary enough for me, but huge potential here.
A riveting read, despite my quibbles.

P.S. Ashley Madison kept going through my head.  


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AlsoBen
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Thanks LC.

You're spot on with all of it. I was way less passionate re: the drug/pharma/Dr Spacey stuff so I just...didn't write much of it. I really liked Madison's story and her self-destruction (I always tend to like writing the most painful characters) so I focussed on her too much, at the expense of plot/stakes.

(I've not yet seen Jacob's Ladder or Devil's Advocate, I'll have to soon. I was obviously thinking Rosemarys Baby when I wrote this). I'm flattered by the comparison to Unforgivable and the feedback about Madison being so unwatchable - I'll be honest, I wanted the best for Madison - I really like her - and it was hard to make her such a mess. But alas.

I like your ideas for raising stakes - making dream and reality less clearly separated - I think I was worried about the whole "making viewers guess what's real" thing being cliche now. I can imagine what you've suggested would work much better.

(BTW I paid like 65 USD for that coverage, and your feedback is free and like ten times more actionable. Everyone - paid coverage is a scam, always).

Just to answer some of you questions:


Quoted Text
Did Madison turn from victim to Instigator, thus being a huge twist (etc)


Spoilers, I guess - the idea is that Madison "came on" to Hans in the instance where Reza is conceived. But he's been grooming (and molesting) her for years, so it's certainly not to say Hans is not responsible. He's the grossest character I ever wrote. Madison just feels responsible because technically he normalised that behaviour (in a child) -- hence the opening scene. I probably could have been clearer, and I was trying to be too provocative.


Quoted Text
If on the other hand he denied ever having met Madison, denied the study, or even disappeared off the face of the earth (she finds him too easily imho) then that would be something else.


Perfect idea  - that's what I'm puttin in the next draft.


Quoted Text
I think the lesbian couple could be a bit gentler - or at least one of them be a softer foil.


I'll take your point about Darla being too tough on Madison (although Madison also kind of deserves it? Like Darla has a kid in the house?). But I don't see Sheryl as remotely tough...she's so soft and loving to Madison all throughout.


Quoted Text
...why the motivation for such brutal payback on the doctor?


I think my point here is that Madison just doesn't have a better way to express anger. Dr Spacey WAS being frustrating, accusing Madison of stuff, being evasive. Madison can't deal w/ like a 'normal' person, so she assaults her. It's just more self destruction. Spitting and biting innocent paramedics, too etc

Your points about Reza - yeah, I did worry about him seeming too old, but he IS 10. I mean, 10 year olds aren't dumb, idk. I work with kids - its a connection he could make if he has the right stimulus and environment. But I know (think?) you have kids yourself so if you perceived it that way, I'm sure you're right.

Oh, and Madison  DOES completely forget about Reza when she gets pregnant - that's the point. It's a real life pattern with my clients like Madison - once you have the new baby (and if you get to keep it, wow!),  you kind of start thinking about the older ones differently - more resigned, or you kind of "put them" somewhere else emotionally. Idk. I'll have to ask one of the mothers I work with about it.

Anyway, can't thank you enough - do you ever post scripts? I need to return the favor.


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Storey_Matters
Posted: July 29th, 2022, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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If this script is good enough for a rec from a reputable coverage company then your job is done. Now you should try to sell it. Nursing it won't make it any better and could actually take it down a notch. If a prod company is interested then they may have other ideas for the story. While you're trying to sell this one, you could be writing another.
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AlsoBen
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Thanks Storey, but as I pointed out I think the script coverage service may have been giving me the old “first-time-customer yank their chain” flattery. Can’t prove it, but I bet if this was my fourth script Id submitted to the coverage company or blacklist or whomever, it would be less glowing and wouldn’t be a reccomend - it’s all about scamming unproduced spec writers, which is gross.

No one needs to pay for coverage when people like LC exist, doing a better job for free (above). And as you can see from her notes — lots to redraft here (although I appreciate + note how much L and the coverage writer LOVED Madison as MC, and most of the emotional plotting stuff).

Anyway man - long way to respond to your comment, saying that I have a less optimist outlook on the spec life/this script than you do. (The European producer who contacted me from reading this script disappeared when I questioned signing an NDA - I refuse to believe that this script was SO much better than ALL the specs a producer in the industry would be seeing. Not fishing for compliments there - it’s just a weirdly untrue thing for him to claim)


EDIT: hey StoreyMatters, am I able to ask — did you read this script and appreciate it in particular or something so you’re “following” it, or am I just bumping this and my other thread so much that you’ve seen the whole context? Either is fine lol


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Storey_Matters
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Asking a producer to sign an NDA would scare most of them off. There are only a handful of stories. The magic is in how those stories are told and you have that magic.

Why not? Why wouldn't your script be better than all the scripts he'd been seeing? Was he a Hollywood producer? If an indie, then that could be a guy who manages Burger King. You get a lot of dreamers in this industry, not only on the writer side but also directors and producers. The Burger King guy finds a great script, better than any he's read before, and tries to get in front of other producers who have money. I don't think that's bad, but the chances are it will go nowhere.

I actually had a director steal my story once. I allowed it. I did so because he could only take my idea, even used the same character names, theme, everything... but it wasn't my script, it was his version of it and it was shit. It was a simple revenge thriller (aren't they all simple?).

Anyone stealing your story is not going to do anything with it worth a shit. I understand the drama and the fear that your hard work is going to be stolen, but I think you're being too precious.

Take your recommend and try getting an agent. Show them your other scripts. I read up to page 18 and this is the kind of movie I could Netflix and chill to. People would watch this, and that has to be the first question asked by distributors. You're more than half way there already. There has to be a producer somewhere willing to make this. Do your research and get stuck into selling. That's the aim, right?
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AlsoBen
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he asked ME to sign an NDA, or mentioned wanting me to. When I questioned it, he ghosted FYI


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