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Logline: a young couple of five years, break up, and decide to spend one more night together.
Just a few things I'm concerned with in this script:
-Do you feel there is enough here to grasp the weight of the emotion I'm trying to convey? I tried to give as little as possible in hopes of having a more engaging story with less exposition.
-Does this feel like a complete story?
-Is this a relationship you can buy into? More so, is this a break-up you can relate to?
-Do the characters and dialogue feel authentic?
-How's the ending? I myself am still a little iffy on it lol.
Any and all other feedback is very much welcomed! Thank you for giving this even a second of your time, even if you don't finish it, I still appreciate the attempt lol.
I read it rather quickly. I'm not the OP, but in response to your q's:
-Do you feel there is enough here to grasp the weight of the emotion I'm trying to convey? I tried to give as little as possible in hopes of having a more engaging story with less exposition.
Yes. It's the first thing I noticed. The character verbalise all of their thoughts and feelings to each other, and on top of that you have non-verbal exposition about their state of mind (IE Miles standing in front of the mirror crying). You could, for sure, be much more subtle about the ways characters feel. Chloe braking up with Miles, for instance, leads to an extensive back and forth between the pair about how they feel about it, the fact that Chloe still wants a friendship with Miles, the fact that Miles is taking it badly but trying to hide it -- I think almost all of this doesn't need dialogue to be established. It's always more rewarding for a writer and viewer when you can establish a character's inner lives with subtexts. An experiment for you could be: take those opening scenes and remove all dialogue aside from Chloe's "I'm breaking up with you". Try to get the same character and plot points across without them talking, via visual cues, expressions, and wordless exchanges. Then add dialogue back in very sparingly only when you have to.
-Does this feel like a complete story?
I guess so? There's some sort of arc here, I suppose. It's a nine page short so no one expects a complete 3 acts with rising and falling tension etc. A short just needs to have a compelling hook and a reason for "stopping". The story can't fizzle out, it needs to close on some sort of a bang, even a small one, which I kind of think happens here.
-Do the characters and dialogue feel authentic? I've talked about this earlier. You've relied on the dialogue for plot too much. It makes the dialogue read somewhat on the nose despite the fact that individual lines of speech are fairly benign.
FYI: The copy of the script you uploaded has five blank pages after Page 9, at which point your original outline draft for the script is still visible in your document. I doubt that was intenitonal
Hi. I am newcomer and am trying to enter a UK TV completion. Over 2,000 entries expected. They initially will read the first 10 pages. Does this want to make you read more?
Apologies to everyone; I really dropped the ball on this one. I will get around to reading your scripts as soon as I can. Things just got much busier on my end.
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I'd love to read your script
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