The Giving by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as Call Me Alfred - Short, Horror - A father and his daughter share Thanksgiving with several guests. Some invited. Some not. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

He will Barely be missed.  See what I did there?     I wonder what the reverend did...

I liked it.  A guide to alternative survival skills.

Hi writer,

Another script where some ominous being comes about demanding an offering of flesh… or fowl. I initially thought Barry was the uninvited guest, but I was wrong, he was actually the guest of honor, as will be the Reverend I presume. Glad they got that yard cleaned up; razor wire can really mess with the Feng shui of a garden. Best of luck.

A well-written script

Storywise it was good. I thought they were all dead when the shadow surged and overtook them all. But I guess not

Onto the poor Reverend.

Good job on entering

Another "darkside" of Thanksgiving offering.  Is the setting supposed to be post-apocalyptic?  No power, run down home, razor wire?  As usual I have lots of questions.  What was this thing?  What was the "child" that came with it?  I assume Barry was sacrificed because he had been sexually abusive to the blind daughter. Was that the "Reverend's" sin as well, since he was the next "guest of honor"?  I know it's difficult to completely flesh out a story and cover all the angles in 10 pages or less, but the story did have interest and got me wondering about the answers.  I think I'll re-read it and see if I missed a clue here or there.  Thanks for sharing this "alt" Thanksgiving tale and good luck!

I don't think you need gender George or Anne as there names are enough, and 'plucks from its bed' reads awkwardly.

Well written, though a little confused by what Barry actually did? If it was something with/to Annie then I doubt they'd wait for a meal... if it's the Turkey's then urgh, just urgh...

Ultimately the ending and the shadow monsters/aliens didn't quite do it for me but decent effort.

Well I guess this was a Thanksgiving that thank goodness Barry came for dinner!

Poor guy, the main course.

Fun! Enjoyed it.

Well written and an easy read (aside from the aforementioned 'plucks from its bed'). Excellent descriptive visuals and mood setting, too. Although I've many unanswered questions, it really doesn't matter as I'll just let my mind wonder to fill in any gaps.

This could be filmed easily on a shoestring and be very effective. Nicely done.

Hi Writer

Well-written, with great characters and a setting.

Story-wise I have no idea what is going on. I was enjoying it, it was well written, kept me hooked and the tension was good, but it left far too many gaps for me to fill in.

Best of luck

Writer,

Well this was different in a good way. I wish you had gone into a little further detail (dialogue) as to what Barry had done. Would have added more context. Also, I also would have like to see Barry get his due by something that wasn’t unseen or monstrous, but I guess that was the uninvited. Not sure if I missed the blind requirement, but not sure if it was there. If it was I apologize. Overall, this was good. Nice work.

Steve

Well written but I just wonder if less time was spent on describing the house etc and more on the context of the story.

I couldn't quite make sense of it - Did Barry and the Reverend abuse Annie? Maybe. Maybe ambiguity is the point.

The shadow monsters feel a bit rushed in as well - you might have had a better story without them.

A cannot fault the quality of writing though, well done.

I think some of it has to be foreshadowed - like Barry cheating and the ramble that happenedd outside. What was that by the way? I didn't understand that part.

But without foreshadowing their actions read as random. They are eating soup for the first 5 pages, could do more there with the pages I think.

Also I don't see the importance of Thanksgiving dinner or her being blind.

I liked what you did with "we're not animals" notion. And the last couple of phrases. That was well played.

Ahoy writer,

Not a lot of notes to give here, cos you've been given so much good advice already. On the plus side, major props for trying to do something a bit different - methinks you spend too much time with the soup bit. That being said, it's still entertaining, nicely written. Best of Irish luck! -A