Script Exchange - three-page short :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Friends are often nice.

But the answer is yes, Orji, you should definitely keep going.

A few things -

Short scripts are often written for brevity but in this case including a Master in your opening scene heading is a good idea for context.

Does Ekene live at his parent's house, in a studio apartment, or a dorm room for example?
This will set the scene better.

INT. EKENE'S ROOM - NIGHT
Modest. Single bed on the floor, student wardrobe, a desk,
and a chair.

If you wrote this instead (below) it builds a bigger picture.

INT. COLLEGE -  DORM ROOM - NIGHT
Modest. Single bed on the floor, student wardrobe, a desk,
and a chair.

Could be: A tatty mattress, wardrobe, desk and chair.

You could also add more physical description of Ekene and be specific with his age. There's a big difference between someone still in college (assuming he is?)'and someone in their late 20s.

Character and backstory could be added via some visual cues, for example by showing 'rejection letters' pinned to a white board, and anything else you think might fill out Ekene's character.

Injecting a little humour into Ekene's writing exercpt could also be amusing. Alternatively perhaps show he is a beginner by adding some hyperbole, maybe typos.

With regard to your descriptive passages my suggestion would be to take out some of your extraneous words and phrases for economy, but mainly because the resulting actions tell the story without the added info.

Example:

Finally, it does.
This means nothing to him
Ekene loses it and laughs hysterically
(laughs hysterically does the job here without 'loses it' being necessary).

His hands start to shake; disbelief in his eyes. Panic sets
in: all that work gone. He hyperventilates.
You could edit that para above. Do without the semicolons and colons too.

Suddenly, his eyes go to a footnote on the page: "Type any
request you want on this page".

Suggestion: Ekene's eyes are drawn to the bottom of the screen.
Words scroll across the page.
Personalise this perhaps and build suspense considering this is your pivotal inciting incident.

To do this I would indent the words on a separate line for emphasis, as if the computer has taken on a life and character of its own and bold it.

Maybe:
                       Type your wish here...

Also use an ellipses as if the computer eagerly awaits Ekene's response.

Ekene's first puzzled response might be a simple -

             Ekene
              Huh?

Then perhaps the next message is:
           Your wish is my Command...

And then maybe it repeats a few more rows in succession until Ekene dares to reply.

Build the suspense.
To do this you might start with more simple requests that materialise before you get to the bestselling work and the bags of money.

Perhaps the computer ends up giving him a choice after the lights go out and everything resets -
What would you rather: Money or to be a well renowned writer?.
Maybe a neighbourhood blackout might work well too instead of Ekene ordering 'lights out'?
Depending on his answer the room plunges into darkness.

Re employing the command of 'lights out' this is actually a very well known film (title) that began as a Short Horror so when I read that it reminded me of it. That's a good enough reason imho, that you should come up with some wish fullfillment that doesn't utilise that device specifically. Perhaps there's just a blackout that destroys everything

Beware of using the word 'suddenly' to preface action.

And sometimes descrbing the visual simply is best.

Heavy bags litter the room.
Ekene remains at it. He sticks out his tongue and hammers the
keyboard. More bags fill the room and barely leave any space.

Bags of money are piled up high around the room. Ekene can barely move.
Yet still, he hammers the keyboard.

And finally re your title:
Shouldn't it be -

If Computers were wishes, Beggars would Type?

Anyway, all of this is just suggestions on my part.
I enjoyed reading this and you had me in the palm of your hand.

Greed got the better of poor Ekene. Shoulda' quit while he was ahead.