Am I The Same Girl by Teddy Boys - A man haunted by the murder of a childhood friend, undergoes hypnotherapy to recall the girl’s face. As well as the killer’s.  Short, Psychological Thriller

Hi writer

I really enjoyed this. well crafted, written and presented. The imagery was great and I could really see the whole thing unfolding before my eyes, it was visceral.

I think I have missed something though as I don’t understand the final dialogue and how it fits in. Loved the ride though.

All the best

Strange one, this. Not sure what I was supposed to be seeing at the description of this "monster". Most likely a human shape or shadow but not sure. The writing was quick and crisp and had a nice flow. Could see it working visually other than that bit of confusion, which is quite prominent to the plot.

This is SOOO close to being great.

I thought I knew exactly where it was going, and I was somehow just fine with that as the writing and imagery are super good. Then...the big moment...the last line...the one that's supposed to knock me in the gut...    I don't understand.

Ughhh! Is it me? I don't think so. But, it could be.

Is this the moment that he realizes his father killed his young friend? I think. Maybe. The use of the word "you" is confusing though. It makes it sound like the Dr. is his father. But, the doc is a woman. So, it's gotta just be he's talking to the monster...who is his father. And, if that's the case, that works okay. But, the confusion...

Anyway...I thought the reveal was going to be that HE was the killer. The monster was inside him.

Super strong writing. Loved it.

Only nit to pick, other than the confusion...you got caught in some passive writing.

One example:

        The patient is ROGER, (early 30s), who sits on a couch.

Could be...

        ROGER, (early 30s), the patient, sits on a couch.

It's a subtle difference, but those subtleties add up.

Thanks for sharing! Well done!

Best,
Paul

Boy, this was a trip down gutwrench lane.  Psychologist - patient pieces in films (e.g., Ordinary People, Good Will Hunting, The Sopranos) tend to work very well because of the dramatic, emotional impact taking place in confined quarters.  Now you took it out of those quarters for a bit but it still had a solid punch to it.  

I think that you really took great care of this story right up to the end, but I feel like the story maybe needed even a quarter page more to unwrap that ending and help us to connect how the monster was his father.  And was this an actual memory, or was it a false memory implanted by the psychologist?

I think this would be a great story to explore in longer form.  Very good effort.

Writer,

This is good, but the ending, as is, didn’t work for me. Finding out the truth is good, but there was zero foreshadowing as to who the monster was. I think you had a whole page left here to add something, but you didn’t. Suddenly, you add a character on the last line who we didn’t know anything about, and that’s what didn’t sit well. You have a really good story here, but for me, you need to forecast it a little better in regards to your ending.

Steve

Elsewhere in this challenge there's a script with a cherubic doctor. Now we've got a script with a cherubic patient. Funny coincidence.

I'm usually pretty pro voiceover/O.S. dialogue but I found it burdensome here. I would have liked more time to just slip into the visual imagery without the constant narration. And I think that more of your story could have been told through the visuals you've already given us so that we wouldn't need to hear quite so much of the dialogue. I'm tempted to say that it'd work better to cut the memory/dream/fantasy into sections and cut back to the room for a few key moments of dialogue. But I dunno. Just felt pulled back and forth by the two elements, I guess.

I was not as thrown by the final reveal as some above, but I do think Steve is right that a little bit more to forecast this final character -- or even just plant the idea of father/the Father/fathers in general -- might be good.

I liked that this went for the gut and I think you handled the abstractions very well in a way that we never lost sight of things. Darker than one initially expects, in a good way. Nice work here.

The setup is familiar and I kinda knew what it was leading to, but the writing is solid so that's okay.

Not entirely sure I got the ending but very good effort here.

Great premise. Enjoyed the psychological aspect of the seashell.

Well-written but agree that the ending was weak.

The monster? Needs expanding.

Good work though. The premise was what stood out for me.

Love the premise of this and the writing is very solid. I too thought Roger was the monster until I read the subtle hint when Roger says “the monster looks like me” and when the psychiatrist asks if it is him, he says no.  I didn’t figure out who the monster was until it was revealed that it was his father (looks like me, but not me).  Very clever.  This was a well told, solid story in my opinion. Congrats on creating this. I think it would film exceptionally well. Good job!

Kathy

Writer,

The premises is one of the real strength of the story: it feels like a new twist on something I've seen before--can't quite put a finger on it.

I think you should consider re-working the ending because it's not hitting on all cylinders.

All the best,

Ghost  

You plant the seed (below) that Roger is the killer. As a misdirect you did this I expect so that the final reveal is a shock and of course so we're suspicious of Roger.

DR. MYERS (O.S.)
What does this monster look
like?
The MONSTER runs out of the fog. The boy watches in terror.

ROGER (O.S.)
It looks like... me.

And then a line or two down he says nope, it isn't me.
Sigh of relief.

So he's not looking at his own reflection but at his father.who is the monster.

As others have said the final line is a bit out of nowhere and discombobulating. Definitely a WTH moment for me and it needs prior context for it to land.

We essentially have a character that is not even hinted at in a quick flash or flashback, which is what you need. I think this is complicated by the fact Roger addresses the main character as 'monster'.

ROGER (O.S.)
There’s something following.
A monster. In the fog.

If that line read:
Something's following her... It's big.
Centre it on 'her' it would work better imho.

The Dr could then respond with something like:  
Roger, I know you're scared but I want you to try to see the monster's face.

Then he replies with  something like:

I can't see through the fog
Give us more of his fear and frustration in increments.

Down the beach, the girl has fallen.

Make lines like above more active.
Example:
The monster gains on the girl, she stumbles, falls.

The beast looms above her stick with one name - monster or beast.

He slows. There in black sand, her body is limp. Her
FACE
is bashed to oblivion by a rock.
A bloody rock in the monster’s hand.

Her face is bashed. Are we watching that as it happens? The monster welding the rock, then pounding her face? Or are we shown the aftermath? I'd reword that for more effectiveness.

I liked it and it's nearly there for me. Needs a few tweaks.

I'd also like to know what this beach is with black sand in the Pacific. Just curious.

That was another script that was a breeze to read, even though the subject matter was very dark.

Like Paul, I was initially confused by the ending for the same reason, but when I re-read the first page I realised I  misunderstood. So yeah, maybe just a little rewrite there could be beneficial.

Other than that, all very good!

High quality. Efficient. I loved the line "His pale feet sink into the black sand." The return of the girl through the fog is atmospheric and effective. There are two possible ways to interpret the end. Roger's father is the culprit, or Roger is to blame based on the monstrous actions of his father.

Thank you for an enjoyable read.

You got out of the gate fast and was getting good traction when it seems
you hit an oil slick and spun out. Sorta.
You have one available page to clarify the finale, so use it. You also have a
few options to choose from and I'm not sure you picked the best
one. what if Roger is the monster? That opens up the possibility
that if he reenacts the killing of Katie — Dr. Myers would find her life
in danger.
The way this story is structured, I think revealing the killer is just part of
the mystery. Why is the father so bent on killing the little girl? Really?
Because Roger's mind is so fractured and the way he retells what he
saw/knows, it's likely the girl isn't a childhood friend.
The girl might be Roger's sister and this is about domestic violence.
That might open up a different set of options. Think about it.