Dead Name by Anonymous - A trans girl's past self literally comes back to haunt her.  Short, Drama

Hi Anonymous,

I thought we might have been entering "The Substance" territory at one point with the injection. Alas, not to be.

I'm going to assume you might be a bit new to screenwriting or getting back into it maybe?

From a format point of view you need to hone up on Continuous scenes:

The action in a Continuous shot flows directly from one scene to the next, with no time or location gap between them. It's used in the scene heading to indicate the current action is ongoing and not interrupted.

So, to use an easily identifiable example of yours when Erica goes from the Kitchen to the Woods that scene would not be Continuous. It would require a completely different setup of cameras, light, etc., unless this was to be filmed in one shot.

Also, some of your descriptions are passive :

INT. FUNERAL - AFTERNOON

Erica’s relatives are socializing after the service. Erica
and Sandy are in a corner keeping to themselves. One of
Erica’s male relatives approaches and shakes Erica’s hand.

Avoid 'are socializing', and we can only know it's a funeral wake from what we actually see on screen. It appears to be a gathering after the actual funeral and it appears to be at Erica's home.

So, your scene heading here should be something like:
INT. ERICA'S HOUSE - LOUNGEROOM - DAY

A dozen GUESTS, dressed in mourning attire congregate around a refreshments table.

Erica and Sandy sit off to one side whispering to each other.
A young man, ROGER, 30s, approaches them.

As far as story goes I liked this cause it was a different story. I particularly liked Erica burying her previous self, and then she came back to life as a doppleganger it appears.

That said, I'm not exactly sure what happened and the Mom dying was a bit of a shock but I didn't quite catch the twist. It was a surreal twisted narrative for sure so credit to you, but I can't say I understood everything that was going on. Might have just gone over my head.

Thanks for an entertaining entry.

Hmmm. Erica kills and buries her old self, a boy. The corpse comes back. Erica decides to fix her old self/corpse up as a girl. She even puts make-up on. Now we are in comedy territory. Later, Erica and Sandy/corpse make out. Kind of gross. Then the mother dies? It wasn't a bad story, but I failed to see a twist here unless Erica's old self coming back was supposed to be the twist. If so, you need to play that better so you have a twist that lands. Just my opinion, of course, so take it with a ring of salt.

Well.  Uh.  Hmmm.

I'm sorry, but this is the 1st entry I'm not going to finish.

Writing is not up to snuff here.  The story or plot is so contrived and things just work like things just don't work out like in real life.

Could be a very young writer here, could be a new writer here.  Or, maybe something written and conceived in 25 minutes or so.  I don't know, but I'm bailing out on Page 3, based on the dialogue that's going on, as well as the completely ludicrous situation going on.

Thanks for entering.

That was rough. And weird. Not quite sure what to think with this one. Kudos for originality, for sure. Its just that everything happens just so... not surprising to anyone? I think I'll raise my old self, then kill my old self, lightning raises my old self, dress my old self like a girl, make out with my old dead self, etc. Definitely different.

Just had a 'Protect the Dolls' t-shirt delivered today, so intrigued to see what we have here.

I'm not trans, so can't speak from any real experience but this feels odd that Erica has transitioned, arguably killing her old self in the process, but 5 years down the line she feels the need to kill her old self with the ritual.

But despite stating that she want's to kill her old self, she actually welcomes him back into her life.

And a nitpick, she did the ritual in the woods, why not bury him there rather than the awkwardly convenient open grave in the cemetry?

Then they are making out and the Mum's died of a heart attach - I buy that, but not the twist!

I've no lived experience here, maybe the writer does, but I didn't personally buy this.

this is more comedy than drama, maybe there's room to play up the frankenstein vibes too ? but I'm always going to recommend "more frankenstein shit" lol

always glad to see trans girls in stuff, especially when they're weird and messed up like the girl in this. I think it could go harder though. ramp up the incel vibes of her doppelganger (?) and take it to more extreme heights.

the aforementioned issues with format is stuff you could clear up pretty easily. what I like about this is it MOVES and stuff stays happening... it's easy for writers to get bogged down in spinning their wheels over nothing, so I always appreciate something that feels like it could be longer, rather than shorter.

Dear Anon,
maybe lost in translation but "Tapout is a brand of MMA clothing that is frequently stereotyped as the type of clothing worn by tough-guy douchebags." on Erica - has me deeply confused!
So Erica goes all Carrie - the claw (and then the rest of him) out of the ground. That's some Freaky Friday. With Sandy's forced vaccination (wot does that remind me of puts me in mind of the many Microsoft warnings: Closing down now as you have performed an illegal operation!  Tell me wot that was BSOD and I wont do it again !!
Erica channels her Bernard "Barney" Thompson. (No snails were hurled!)
It's a shame mom had to die.
I was waiting for Sandy to say he'd been found by 'Long lost family'  All best -

I actually have a cousin who's (supposed to be) transitioning.

Speaking of deadnames... Twitter.

So... literally a dead name/self?

You could have used minislugs for the cemetary.

Monster? The energy drink, correct?

You use "table" twice.

Why the hell do you need so many forks? A fork's a fork.

I was thinking "Eric" (?) becoming Sandy was the twist, but wow you sure delivered.

The writing here is mostly good and would play out nicely on screen. Great job.

So, trans girl Erica was once a boy. When her old self returns to life
after a lightning strike, maybe give his name instead of identifying
him as "old self." I can't figure out what the twist is you're going for.
Maybe the old self returns and is everything Erica wasn't when she
was a male. Or something. I'm trying to think of a conflict that
impacts Erica's life, stretching the story in an even crazier direction.
As is, your story doesn't quite hit the right keys for me.
But I will say, that I've never read a trans-person story before and think
the dual roles can be utilized more in a comedic manner.
Probably not the direction you want to wander, but have you
seen Michael Keaton's "Multiplicity"?
Thank you for taking a shot.

I applaud you for tackling a hot-button societal subject but the issue with this script is are the logic gaps and the writing itself. You use CONTINUOUS multiple times in longlines where the same character transitions to another place/time altogether. CONTINUOUS is only used with a character moves from one scene into another without stopping (ex: a person walks from inside to outside, etc). And why would a woman who transitioned from being a man years ago have a random need to "kill their old" self but then want to interact with their old self and then be cool with the mom dying? Especially when the mom was made to sound supportive of it all. Not sure what the twist is or what the tone is supposed to be but none of it really connected for me. Nonetheless, I applaud your effort.

I feel bad I didn't finish this one.  It's not fair to the writer, so I'll jump back in on Page 3.

Page 4 - "CUT TO:" - IMO, these things are very rarely necessary, and basically just take up a line and stop the momentum of a script.  I prefer a Mini Slug of "LATER".

So, Erica just happens to have a syringe full of Estrogen handy and injects "him".  This is a tough one, as if you think about it, unless Erica says what she's doing, no one will know that's Estrogen.

So, it appears you have renamed "Old Self" with "Sandy". Again, this is a tough jolt to your readers, as "Sandy" was never intro'd.

This Bathroom has a chair in front of "the" mirror?

Good choice on the "lowkey, neutral tones of foundation, eyeshadow, and lipstick. - I jest.  Of course this info is not necessary...at all.

Page 6 - 1st Slug is definitely not "CONTINUOUS".

Mom's home...again?  I'm confused.  I'm also confused if Mom was at the dinner table earlier...if not, why?  Don't they eat together?  And, does Erica work?  She seems to be home all the time with nothing but time on her hands.

Hmmm...OK...so...the 2 Ericas are now making out?  Sheeeet...why not go all the way here and have the 2 Ericas really going at it?  Joking...just joking.

Oh boy...and Mom falls down the stairs and dies.  Tragic...truly tragic.

And, no one at this funeral finds it odd that Erica has a clone with her all of a sudden, just because Erica says Sandy is her little Sister that just appeared recently?  Well, I'm sorry, but I don't buy that at all.

OK, listen, for what it's worth, you've concocted a very wild, creative story here and that takes a bit of effort and I appreciate that.  I also think you have a few good lines of dialogue, like, "I think I'm gonna call you Sandy." - I can literally see this deranged Erica saying that to her with a wicked smile.

Thanks for entering.

That’s bonkers.

For a short i dont think it works, felt all too much, but heavens above there is a good idea in there.

I cant decide whether it a horror script, or slapstick humour, but this meeting the old pre transition self and what happens after has real potential. Worth expanding and thinking where to take it.

Great concept.

I like this concept.  Old self and new self meeting.  I'd like to meet three years ago me and give him the beating he so richly deserved.  But that's another story.

How do we know Erica is trans? Perhaps posters or flags in the room. Have Erica wear a choker?

Mom is chill - didn't dead name Erica.

"She leaves, thinking her work is done."  I think this needs to be convayed visually. Something like, "Erica dusts off her hands and gives a nod of self satisfaction..." or "Erica does a 'The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music' spin in the forest and skips away with The WHo's 'I'm Free' playing in the background.

OLD SELF needs a name.  

And then it got weird.  And I didn't understand. I'm willing to accept that this may be a metaphor for transitioning.

This is the start of something that can be fleshed out.

- Don

Deep and interesting subject matter and a fresh take on starting anew. Have to agree that “Old Self� needs a proper name. Also agree with Don’s comment in that I would love to resurrect my younger/former self and teach her a few hard lessons/beat some sense into her. 😂

There were a few bumps in the road on this one, but I actually enjoyed it and found it creative.