Droning On by You'll Never Guess in a Billion Years (okay you might, but not until the end of the week) - A wealthy man's temper flares when a drone invades his poolside haven.  Short, Comedy

Dear Unguessable,
I donno if that was a twist ending or a climax!  INSERT paradiddle and cymbal smash!
It's life in the fast lane - lap dancers need love too!
Well crafted - does what it says on the tin. Best --

No real glaring issues though I was expecting Carole to be the drone operator since she was on her phone the whole time. It could've ended with her by the pool finally having some quiet time without that a-hole.

Good job, writer!

Like that.

Enjoyed the numerous lines about how they met and how long ago.

I suppose I was hoping for a bit more to the drone that a lover boy waiting but it works.

A fun read.

A billion greetings to you.

This was a nicely written little ditty. It followed a good linear line to conclusion and certainly included a seductively twisted ending.

There is one line early on that I can learn from.

BOB, 60s, inappropriately tight Speedos, unhealthy tan and a
cocky smile, wanders from the gargantuan mansion down to the
luxurious loungers arranged around the pool.

I like it. It is very descriptive of the character and the location. Good writing!

Overall, a great read. Well done.

"MASSIVE GARDEN" - Hmmm...well, is this really a garden at all?  Sounds more like the pool area.

"overly tight Speedos" - HA - Sounds like a line I've used before...and appreciate.

Descriptions a tad overdone early on here to the point where it becomes distracting.

So, Carol being O.S. for awhile seems odd, and really doesn't work, as there's just no reason for this.

"Further than what woman?" - HA, problem here.  As written, he's asking a completely different question than what you're intending.  He's referring to Carol, as "Woman", so you need to offset that with a comma and I'd Cap "Woman", as you're using it as a name.

You're continually "telling" us so much in your action/description lines - show us, don't tell us and if you have to tell us, don't be so snarky, as it's off putting.

You're obviously laying it on thick what a dickhead Bob is, but like your prose, it's overdone, IMO.

The "twist"?  No, not a twist, really.  A humorous ending, sure.

For me, this really doesn't go anywhere or say anything, but I appreciate you entering and sharing this with us.

I liked this one, decent dialogue and character builds - though Pedro is a little 1D.

And did like the red herring that leads to a twist.

Decent effort

this is amusing. the asides are going to put some people off but I am very much pro-aside. I think your writing is good and conveys the mood well.

I feel like this is the kind of thing that lives and dies based on the performance of the lead. for a comedy it's not packed with jokes but I find the guy kinda funny as a character.

wild things vibes. everyone's gonna judge these entries based on their twists, and yours has a twist, but I guess I wanted a little more ? I won't say I predicted it but I think I was left wanting something more revelatory or over-the-top after the absurdness of the buildup. it just feels like it's building to something really crazy, yknow ?

the plot twist isn't much of a twist, but it's an alright read.

Good little story here. I don't know if the ending counts as a twist. The real twist would've been Carole controlling the drone the whole time and baiting him into getting arrested so she could have the place all to herself. Pedro just felt a little tacked on and they could've fooled around anywhere they wanted. Still, you had some decent laughs in here ("Skynet's Pervy Cousin "was a solid line). Well done.

Good story. You just kinda knew or hoped something bad would happen to Bob. The twist was good, but I think it could be better. Perhaps something a little more permanent for Bob rather than a day in a cell.  

Nice touch: the police can sense Carole is in an abusive relationship.

Solid story. Easily filmable.

- Don

Still trying to erase the old guy with the fake tan in a Speedo from my mind. This should have been labeled as horror. LOL.  I also thought Carole was controlling the drone in some sort of “get evenâ€� mode. I can’t say the twist was unexpected but it still provided an appropriate ending.

I'm not a good guesser. I can usually tell Zack's straight away.

Hmm... You didn't fade in. Or maybe you're deliberately throwing us off your scent.

No bold slugs. Another clue?

I think "boil in the bag" is supposed to be hyphenated.

Unhealthy tan and a cocky smile? Is Bob Trump? My other guess is George Hamilton, but he's 85.

Elton and Bernie say it's "cold as hell."

One page in and Bob is a total ass and Carole seems to the the better half.

Drones are definitely not my area of expertise, but here we go.

What a pompous, sexist pig!

"Make it (large space} big one." Typo.

I assume you mean Adonis from Greek mythology and not the modern poet, who isn't exactly a looker.

And you didn't fade out either.

The writing is overall good, and I have a decent guess who wrote this. But I'll save that for the thread. The twist was pretty fun, maybe not all that surprising given what an asshole her husband is.

But you made Bob a fun asshole, like Biff. Carole deserves better. My mom had a lot of questionable men in her life before she moved in 2019. One in particular was a "Bob." Self-important, always wore a police uniform, gun nut, delusions of grandeur, pathological liar. "I rode my tricycle in the Pentagon." "I was [country band] Alabama's security guard." "This guy is gonna go on TV and reveal that Elvis is alive... Oh, him? Yeah, he got assassinated." He was an oddball... and now he's president (again).

I thought Carole too was nicely written.

Good job, You'll Never Guess.

Well written, I thought. Except I thought the line about the pool being hot enough to boil a bag of rice was a rather poor choice. I'm sure you can come up with something better than that.

I had a couple of issues with this one, despite it being well written. We have a massive garden with a pool, but somehow Carole can hear him and answer him while still inside? Not shouting either. Same for later when we hear Bob rummaging for the gun. Just put those scenes inside so we can see what they are doing inside. Give us some hints as to who they are when no one is looking. Another issue I had was the characters. Bob is an asshole and Carole is obviously just there for the money. Not the types of people to cheer for. You need to give us some reason to care for whoever you want to come out the winner here.

All in all I enjoyed it but could've enjoyed it even more if it wasn't for the issues mentioned.  

I have to echo the sentiments of others. Writing is okay and there's
nothing unique about the two main characters. Agree that Carole should
have been controlling the drone. She knows which buttons to push and
Pedro isn't needed.

Don mentioned something in his review that also bothered me. Bob shoots
the drone, so big deal. His rich lawyers will have Bob back home in a wink.
I would prefer that Carole set up Bob to go away for a period. Maybe the drone fires
bullets and it has a shootout with nasty old Bob. And kills the SOB.

If this story is just about an afternoon away from the A-hole, maybe the
end scene is Carole driving into the sunset in one of Bob's luxury cars.
But, I digress.
Solid entry with no real surprises.