A Little Fee For Driver by Michael Wenardi Gunawan - Short, Thriller - What could possibly go wrong with accepting a fee from a good person? - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Read one page - Not a  bad start for a new writer

Write: in active voice. e.g., DAVE TYPES - not - DAVE IS TYPING

Always try to avoid pedestrian words (e.g., sits) - gives us something more vivid as often as you can (e.g., slumps).

So this:

Quoted Text INT. GABE'S CAR - NIGHT GABE (35) is lying down in his driver's seat. The yellow hues of his aftermarket dome light is the only thing that keeps his car from pitch black.

Becomes.

INT. GABE'S CAR - NIGHT

GABE (35) slumps in the driver's seat...

ALso - since you subsequently have action outside the car.. Your header should be INT/EXT versus just INT.

Good luck with your journey

Hi Michael, you have a good story here but it needs quite a bit of work. I'm guessing English may not be your first language? As Dave pointed out screenplay writing needs to be all present tense:

Example: Gabe tries to unlatch the seatbelt, but found it to be stuck in place. The fire quickly spreads through Gabe's body,

I would suggest you need more here too, as it's a pivotal moment.

Gabe fumbles for the seatbelt latch discovers it's jammed. He yanks, harder. Still the latch won’t budge. Flames surge through the cabin,  climbing fast, they lick at his arms and legs. Smoke fills his lungs, he coughs. Panicked he claws at the buckle, the metal blistering to the touch.

He screams, and thrashes against the belt as fire engulfs him.

Suggestions:
I am sacked from my job...
I was sacked from my job or: I got the sack. Or: I was laid off.

Many say her car is rigged to fail...
Her car was rigged or: I wasn't the only one who suspected her brakes were tampered with.

Good luck on that.
Good luck with that.

Adam took one glance at the car, now a smoldering wreck,
Adam glances at the car, now a smoldering wreck.

I hope my wife didn't know much
I hope my wife never finds out about this...
God help me if my wife ever suspects anything.

Smoke bellowing
Smoke billowing.

loosen a string
loosens a string

carpets
floor beneath

When they approach a cliffside parking lot, Adam points his
finger to that spot.

Maybe he says: Pull over here:
And then it should be: EXT. CLIFFSIDE PARKING SPOT - DAY

Also:
You need to replace UNTITLED SCREENPLAY (which you appear to have bolded) on your title page with your actual script title, A Little Fee for Driver. I'm also going to guess you're missing the article there so it would be: A Little Fee for the Driver. Then add (C) 2025 and your email address.

I wonder if you wrote this for our recent OWC? 😊
Hope this helps and I hope you respond to feedback.

Thanks for the helpful constructive criticism, LC. Yes, I am from Southeast Asia and I mainly learn English from watching TV shows and of course movies in English language phonetically. This might be the reasoning why my grammar and tense usage is filled with mistakes, so thank you for pointing that one out. I will fix this in another revision.

To answer your feedback of my script lacking detail in a couple of scenes, I am not exactly that skilled when it comes to adding coherent details. I will work on this in my revision and future scripts, so thanks. The title page is also going to be updated as well. Also, I don't participate in the recent OWC since I don't know what to do. But it is nice to know this script fits nevertheless.

Anyway, thank you for the constructive feedback and I will apply them in my revision, LC. Cheers

Great to hear from you, Michael! OWCs are open to everyone and we have one coming up. It's an anonymous challenge in which you have a week to write a script according to the announced parameters - usually 6-10 pages. The challenges are a lot of fun so stay tuned.

I admire anybody who can master more than one language, so kudos to you.

Keep at it.
This is a good little tale.
I hope we see more from you.