Caught By The Roots by Danny King - Thriller, Contained Survival Thriller, Drama, Action - After a tragic fall during a hike, a disabled father must navigate treacherous terrain, wild predators, and his own trauma to save his son before it's too late. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, Danny.

I read the first 15 pages. A few of the usual formatting, grammar, punctuation and spelling errors but otherwise nicely written; i.e. what I assume are supposed to be ellipses but with only two ".."s, and so on.

A little too much description in places — e.g. "round face", "stocky", etc. — but nothing outrageous, and the dialogue is pretty solid.

Storywise, it's too domestic melodrama rote for me so far, with the usual slightly loserish ex military dude losing custody of the cute tykes who adore him to his cold ex and her rich yuppie new husband, but I'll pick it up again later and see where it goes.

I agree with my learned friend. Some very self-assured writing. Your pithy establishing visuals are particularly nice. I hope Danny chimes in. If so, I'll comment some more.

Dear Danny,
I'm not sure Claire would agree to go so suddenly . . .
I know what you mean but this sounds weird to me "The dense trees part to reveal a hidden clearing. Sunlight
pours through the canopy like gold through glass."
Then Sani rings a small brass bell. Its tone lingers like wind through pine" maybe have a glass analogy here. .
Claire has no time for her gracious  native hosts does she!!
Friendly - -  Matt exhales hard, rolls to his side, mud streaked on his shirt. Claire’s lips twitch into a smirk.
CLAIRE   If something happens, it’s on you. (He was married to her - really?!)
I read to P50 but couldn't really believe the action/accident / lack of care Dad had supposedly researched beforehand.
Maybe the thesis is required (as a foreshadow) so when Matt is racing to Court before this car accident he could say something like "I'll be there soon. I won't let you down this time."
All best --

Quoted from Drongo Bum Hi, Danny. I read the first 15 pages. A few of the usual formatting, grammar, punctuation and spelling errors but otherwise nicely written; i.e. what I assume are supposed to be ellipses but with only two ".."s, and so on. A little too much description in places — e.g. "round face", "stocky", etc. — but nothing outrageous, and the dialogue is pretty solid. Storywise, it's too domestic melodrama rote for me so far, with the usual slightly loserish ex military dude losing custody of the cute tykes who adore him to his cold ex and her rich yuppie new husband, but I'll pick it up again later and see where it goes.

Thanks for checking it out and sharing your thoughts, really appreciate the read. Totally fair points on formatting and description, I’ll clean that up. The story does take a turn into more survival/redemption territory after the setup, but I get where you’re coming from. Would love to hear your thoughts if you continue!

Quoted from LC I agree with my learned friend. Some very self-assured writing. Your pithy establishing visuals are particularly nice. I hope Danny chimes in. If so, I'll comment some more.

Thanks a lot, really appreciate that! Glad the visuals landed. Always chasing that balance between lean and vivid 😅. Would love to hear more of your thoughts when you get the chance!��

Quoted from JtF Dear Danny, I'm not sure Claire would agree to go so suddenly . . . I know what you mean but this sounds weird to me "The dense trees part to reveal a hidden clearing. Sunlight pours through the canopy like gold through glass." Then Sani rings a small brass bell. Its tone lingers like wind through pine" maybe have a glass analogy here. . Claire has no time for her gracious  native hosts does she!! Friendly - -  Matt exhales hard, rolls to his side, mud streaked on his shirt. Claire’s lips twitch into a smirk. CLAIRE   If something happens, it’s on you. (He was married to her - really?!) I read to P50 but couldn't really believe the action/accident / lack of care Dad had supposedly researched beforehand. Maybe the thesis is required (as a foreshadow) so when Matt is racing to Court before this car accident he could say something like "I'll be there soon. I won't let you down this time." All best --

Thanks for reading up to P50 and for the thoughtful notes, I really appreciate it!

On Claire's decision: totally fair to question it. The intention was to show she doesn’t actually want to let the kids go, she’s concerned about Matt’s ability, especially post-injury, but she’s bound by the custody agreement. Her hands are tied, and her discomfort shows in how tense she gets, even calling the lawyer.

Also love the court suggestion, a clean way to foreshadow that earlier beat and reinforce his emotional arc. And yeah, some of those metaphors 😅. Might need to tame a few of those.

Thanks again, this is super helpful!

Danny, just to add I actually thought Matt was taking the kids on his own - 'his weekend'. I think you could make it clearer that Claire is going too, cause until she appeared with her backpack I had no idea. I think it's odd she would go with him and odd Don is cool with it.

I assume it becomes clearer as we read on but your logline is father and son.

Quoted from LC Danny, just to add I actually thought Matt was taking the kids on his own - 'his weekend'. I think you could make it clearer that Claire is going too, cause until she appeared with her backpack I had no idea. I think it's odd she would go with him and odd Don is cool with it. I assume it becomes clearer as we read on but your logline is father and son.

Thanks LC, really appreciate the read! Totally fair point if that moment felt unclear. Claire does go along, but it’s meant to feel reluctant, she doesn't exactly agree to the trip, just ends up in the truck after the legal call, mostly to stay close to the kids. Don’s concern is real too, he’s uneasy but defers to the custody agreement. Might tweak that moment slightly to highlight the shift more. Appreciate the heads-up! ✌�