Monster Love by Henry Tjernlund - Short, Comedy - A Japanese monster groupie gets that dreaded phone call about the love of her life. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Dear Henry,
absolutely fun-tastic. I think you must have some inserts of her beau fighting back (if it's copyright issues maybe action pictures she has drawn of her hero lover(?) adorning a room screen).
Isn't the female heart fickle????
The Shape of Water can suck on this!! Great stuff --
P.S. I cannot wait to see what Drongo makes of this. Her beau Vs. The Crows - Bader badder BOOM !!

Hi Henry, I gave this a read and though it's entertaining and I got a few chuckles - very  amusing in parts -  I can't really see how this would translate to film without some funny intercuts.

Out with the old and in with the new it seems. 😄

P.S. 1950S/60S (which is it?) can't be shown other than in a Super or her reading a newspaper or equivalent.

Ooh! You had me at the premise.

I wouldn't put 1950s-60s or anything like that in the slug. If the time period is that important, I'd use a SUPER instead.

I assume this is supposed to be in English?

Damn, I would've thought Rodan would be the one to do it.

Gamera? Damn!

This was cute. A loving tribute to the classic Japanese kaiju monsters. (But seriously, Gamera? He's not even from Toho... originally. And I've heard he's the lesser kaiju.) It went from somber to comedic pretty fast, like whiplash!

The writing is wonderful here. You give us empathy for Kyoko. You made their love feel real. But was Kyoko cheating with Gamera?

I wonder who you could get to play the whole thing straight?

Gamera debuted in 1965, so that rules out the 1950s.

Quoted from JtF P.S. I cannot wait to see what Drongo makes of this.

You'll never know, since my reply was deleted.

Quoted from Drongo Bum You'll never know, since my reply was deleted.

It was an accident.  Apologies.

- Don

Quoted from Don It was an accident.

That's not what I heard!

"Dear Henry.

At least it's not about octopi or squid!


Yours,

Drongo Bum"

This is amusing but it's not without issues.

Quoted Text A 1950s-60s...

You really need to be a little more specific.

Quoted Text ...an old style rotary phone.

Was there such a thing as an "old style" rotary 'phone in the '50s-'60s? I recall first seeing pushbutton 'phones in the mid-60s, so if this took place then you could say a rotary 'phone was "old style", maybe, although the majority of homes and businesses would still be using rotaries.

The dialogue needs a lot of work. You've elected to 'tell, not show' via one-sided conversations, and that's difficult to do in a natural and unstilted way.

Since we're skirting with (subverted) stereotypes, here are some good ones:

Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish. The Onion

Asian things. (Family Guy, 00:32)