One Hour Earlier by Daddy-O - When a trio of hapless house robbers try to steal antiques from a local eccentric, their lack of experience leaves everyone in a tight spot.  Short, Crime

Writer,

This was a mess, but it was actually, kinda/sorta a very fun mess. For some reason, I got a good sense of place here, and I enjoyed the vibe. A heist gone comically wrong. Was this set in New Orleans or something? Got a little Cajun feeling here. Anyway…

For as fun as I found this to be, it is a mess. Your character intros could have been much sharper. Introing 5 people is hard enough as it is, and you took a giant paragraph to do so. In the end, it really just felt like I was listening to just one person as they all sort of blended together.  The reveal was weak, but again, that’s why I found this kind of fun.

Overall, this needs a lot of work, but like I said, I felt the vibe was there and that makes this memorable for me. That’s a good start, imo. Good job entering.

Steve

I agree with everything Steve said. The character intro was pretty bad. Don't introduce characters like that all at once. After I read that first paragraph, I had already forgot their names and who they were. Best to introduce them one by one while doing something. Ideally doing something that relates to their character.

The rest of it did seem like a comedy. Like Steve said, a mess, but a fun mess.

The last bit about the wrong address seemed cliché to me. Surely you can come up with a better twist than that.

It was fun though, so I hope you do a rewrite.

As others have said, that first paragraph is kind of a slog. Right now you hit us with all five characters names, ages, and outfits in one big block, and it’s a lot to take in.

Maybe just set the scene with five bleeding bodies on the kitchen floor and keep it general. That would be easier to read and actually more intriguing. Then when you cut to “One Hour Earlier,� you can bring each character in through their dialogue and actions.

I did like the playful setup and the way it loops back, but the end just left me raising an eyebrow. Still, there’s a fun idea here.

Dear Daddy-0,
Arnold Alice Alvie - that's a lot of down arrows on the character selection shortcut!! Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice works for me. . . . though it's not that type of film. Maybe a do-over?
Let's stick to "Just the facts, ma'am."
A marvellous muddled mayhem. All best --

I've written and deleted several reviews already here, as I just don't know how to handle this one and I don't want to say the wrong thing.

Since this is listed as "Crime/Drama", I therefor have to assume it's a serious effort.  If I look at this as a serious effort, I'd be writing a VERY LONG review and I'd be writing left and right, as there are SO MANY THINGS WRONG HERE.

But, if I look at it as it strikes me, which is absurdist comedy gold, I'm still going to quote some things that really made me crack up, so let's look at this in a positive light.

Things I LOVED!!!!!

Using "50S ERA" in 6 Slugs, but omitted it in 1 Slug.

The 12 line opening passage, ending in an orphan.

The addition of "adlibed obscenities and such" - Classic!

The "Sponge Bob Voiceover Artist OS" - How cold this inclusion not be looked at as comedy?

Freddie and Alice's double "What was that?"

"Stairs" appearing at random.

"other rooms"

This line - " They run to the front door, their feet crunch on the glass from the broken pane they used to unlock it from the outside and exit onto the..."

All the "hip" lingo from the thieves.

The guns appearing "from somewhere"

"the good with the gat" -     Comedy Gold

The "human shield"

Trying to figure out how the 2 "octogenarians" ended up in the kitchen with the other 3.

Trying to figure out how each person was only shot in the right thigh

All the dialogue delivered "through gritted teeth"

Pure comedy gold, my friend.  I'm very glad you entered.

I shall now begin referring to people as, "You cats."

"We'll go find the goof
with the gat."  

What's a 'gat'?

"Dragnet's on
every Thursday."

It is a universal truth that the elderly are fond of murder mysteries.

Alice and Alvie got confused in my brain.

What were they looking for?  The thieves?

Cute twist at the end, tho it lacked a punch for me. Solid writing. I felt it needed a stronger MacGuffin.

Oof. Rough start with that first slug. Then, followed immediately by a massive block of prose. MY EYES!!! Seriously though, break that up!

So, is this a comedy? If not, the tone is all wrong. And the SpongeBob Voiceover Artist isn't helping. Lol

Dialogue isn't bad. In fact, it's pretty funny in spots. BUT, this is a problem if this isn't meant to be a comedy.

Lots of missing punctuation, and it's really making this a slog for me to read.

Ends on a bit of a whimper. Just a case of a mistaken address. Kinda lame, IMO.

Weak title as well.

Sorry to come across so negatively. Not my intention. It's not easy getting an OWC script, and you did it, so be proud of that.

Good effort, writer.

I'm not sure how much of this is intentional and how much are missteps.
Were three characters with "A" names your plan? Maybe bunch them
so they are on the same side, like the A team.
There were a couple of times Alvie was ID'd as Arvie.
What were the burglars after? I think it would be sweeter if Alvie has a plan
to steal something specific. If he thinks they are breaking into the home of
an antique collecter, maybe the goal is to steal a prized item. How about a
Golden Vase?

then when bumbling Freddie and Alice grab an ordinary vase or perhaps an
urn, the wrong house angle has a bit more punch.  Speaking of wrong house,
not too thrilled with that payoff. Come up with something better.
It might also have been funnier if Freddie had dropped the gun and left it, opposed
to Arnold. On the other hand, that might be too predictable.

the comedy opportunities are there and what you have isn't bad. But it could be
so much better. Perhaps with more time to hash things out, you'll strike gold.
Keep it going.

Hmm...

So the formatting needs a lot of work and tidying up, but people have already said that.

I did think this was kinda fun, goofy, but fun.

The 'end' felt like you ran out of time but kinda added to the fun.

@Don - gat = gatling gun, slang for pistol I believe.

Well done for getting one in.

I see what you're going for here - slapstick, bungling robbers, burglarizing the wrong house. That's a good set-up and overall you got the tone right but the execution needs streamlining for maximum effect.

I'm guessing a Brit writer for this one from some of the terminology. That said it is a strange hybrid of U.S. flavoured dialogue too with some retro expressions for the oldies adding some nice touches.

So, at risk of repeating what others have already said I suggest you begin only with the shocking visual of them all in the kitchen at the start but have some smart-arse dialogue from a couple of characters for levity. Perhaps they're all lousy shots, all shot in the foot - or just flesh wounds. Save the bulk of the character intros for action scenes as we go.

You kept it short and sweet and a further edit will prevent your Fade Out/The End landing on a new page.

I enjoyed it.

Nice little Pulp-Fiction'esque story, entertaining and well written, with a great use of slang! I believe this was written in a rush (if I'm interpreting well the false signature "@outatime.com"). Like most people already said, that first descriptive paragraph is too bulky, and would look better if broken down. And you could indeed add something to the plot to make it more consistent (a prized artifact or some other Mac Guffin). Apart from that, great job!
Best of luck,
Maroun

Hey Writer,

There's a lot of fun on the page here - shame that experience was marred that little bit by the format issues peeps have touched on - I feel you should always make the ride as smooth as possible for the reader.

But, back to the fun - your dialogue was a highlight for me, enjoyed that. Also, the sponge bob V.O would work for me - conformation of tongue in cheek silliness

BTW, my main gripe was not having the abbreviation marker in your slugs "EXT FRONT PORCH - NIGHT"
I didn't think it would matter, but it did. I found them hard to look at. Slugs needs dots!!
What have I become, lol.

A statement is made with that opening paragraph .

Whilst the write had some fun  with this,  the idea of of the wrong house, an age difference and silly discoveries is sound

Nicely contained as well

It’s the kind of scripts that’s worth playing around with

I agree that this is a fun mess. There are some issues that have been mentioned so I won't pile it on. I prefer to focus on the story idea. This was a fun story idea. It had a cartoonish feel to it. I guess the Spongebob soundalike doing the voiceover points it in that direction.