Let Go by Not Stephen King - A grieving woman is haunted by someone who can't move on until she is forced to release them.  Short, Horror

I thought this, with some effort, could have been totally dialogue free and had the same tone and style. Would have been a unique touch, you'd gone 5 pages without dialogue anyway. Just a thought.

I can't recall the exact rules but the opening scenes feeling voyeuristic with Jennifer bathing, going about her day in each room, felt very "opening scenes of a classic slasher"-ish. I thought we were about to see her attacked by a masked assailant.

The 'reveal' is again a hard one to critique because with only 7 pages prior no writer could establish enough character to have that be as powerful as a feature-length story could. I imagine the scenes and moments you've described working well on-screen so there's power in that.

I liked it. The guidelines were broad enough so I wouldn't say you've done anything outside of those.

I am not feeling any horror here. To me, it reads as a grief drama.

The balloon through the peephole was the one moment that really worked for me - Love that! Just a great image!

The opening scenes, the slugs seemed off and  I didn't feel immersed in what your character was experiencing. It felt like I was just being told what she does step by step - which I guess is fine, but it didn't draw me in or make me feel anything.

Overall, this did not work for me as a horror piece. I do think there is something here worth continuing to develop, but it feels more like a grief drama with a small paranormal element.

The visuals are really good. You described the story really well. I just don’t see what the horror aspects of the story is. We see Jennifer being startled for a few days as the script moves on. However, I see nothing that moves the story forward.

I’m not sure what the knocking on page seven was all about. If you can clear that up, I can understand what’s to come. After re-reading the line, I understood that the knocking is part of the story, and I’m expecting to see why Jennifer is waking up to the sounds of knocking and thumbing.

I like how you give us a hint, where Jennifer must “Let Go,� indicated by the letters and cards she receives. I just think the ending was a letdown. It isn’t clear who the “someone� is, according to the logline. I know her son was killed, but I’m not sure if that is what’s hunting her down.
Overall, the story is well-written.

Dear Not,
Crikey!! for a moment I thought Jen had kidnapped Banksy! It's a last minute entry as there's a lot of typos. This is how you write a SP without dialogue. The "About as much
triffic one would see all day out here. . ." an action line from someone who never reads the reviews????!
Well -*Spolier alert*- the balloon gets it so that Jen can move on. Simple, effective and brutal. Triffic  !!

Funny how "not Stephen King" orients one to the nature of the horror.   Let's see if this plays out.

knife lays on the night stand.  Forshadowing?

Four shots of vodka?  How is she standing?

"a car passes by and sees a deer off to
the side just amongst the trees."   an awkward phrase.

Haunted house?

"She looks down at the floor and the bible is not there."  Bible?  Where did that come from?

I've been attacked by my own balloon before.  Scary.  It lost air and began to settle and was blown around by the heating system and made it into my room.  I woke up the whole house thinking we were invaded.

You need "The End" at the end.  

There is more here than you had room to write.  Great start. Now you have the page count to expand this idea.

Hello Not,

There is a horror vibe and guilt  Jennifer has guilt for her loss and seems to be haunted by a ghost that at first seems scary but is not and is benevolent. She communicates with the ghost and yet has a knife for protection. This doesn't work for me. It is like having a friend you really like and care for but need a knife just in case something might happen even though nothing has happened.


Personally, I think you don't need the knife. I think the story would work better focusing on her guilt and struggle to let go to make this script impactful. The struggle to let go of a loved one is a powerful and even harder if visited by that same ghost telling you to let go. That is the real story right there. There could have been some form of character growth or demise for refusal to let go and live to give much more impact.

The knife is a distraction. Omit it.

This piece needs more work and has some real potential.


Cheers,

Another new day.  Let's see which me is here - hopefully, the new, nice me.

I won't provide notes, but there are a lot of mistakes on display.  Looks like very rushed, unedited writing.  Poor Slugs, awkward phrasings, typos, misspellings, etc.  Many "sentences" missing subject, which always reads oddly.

In trying to stay with my newfound niceness, I'll just say that this one is not for me.  It's very slow and redundant and there's very little going on.  Very little horror, if there's any at all.  Very cliche and nothing I'll remember or think about.

Thanks for playing the game.

Ahoy Not King -- Okay, more of a drama with supernatural elements thrown in. It's partly good and has some potential. I felt for Jennifer. Scary as hell. It's unpredictable. It's highs and lows. Ups and downs. Lies. Instability. It's constant worry until you realize you are powerless. Trust me, I speak from experience. It sucks. My ex hubby can attest, living with an alcoholic is like being in a relationship with a dead person. Lol.

Anywaz, this can really be hauntingly beautiful. Dark and ethereal. I'm with Thorn on this one... it does hit harder if it centers on her guilt and the struggle to let go—especially when the ghost of her loved one asks her to move on. If I got it right. Anyhoo, I liked what you did here, it needs a bit of work. -Andrea

I feel this one has too many montages, especially for a short. It makes for a confusing read.

Glad to see a writer use lay/lie correctly.

The montages are starting to take me out of the story.

You certainly are fixating on the doors being locked. I think I get it by now.

Quoted Text bag down of groceries down

Quoted Text takesa

Quoted Text it it creeps

I'm noticing a lot of orphans.

Page 4 and it's just getting too repetitive. I'm not sure if I should continue.

This script is taking forever to get going, I'm afraid.

A Ouija board. Let's see if things finally get interesting.

"borthday" card? Ugh, I'm out. Sorry. Congrats on entering, though.

FADE IN is missing a colon.

Opening slug is just wrong. It should just read --

EXT. HOUSE - DAY

The first three mentions of the road each come with their own descriptor. Rural, then narrow, then dusty. Pick one and mention it once.

Looking ahead, I see many more mistakes like this. All of your headers are a mess. They're more confusing than helpful, not to mention a massive waste of space. Respect the white!

Gonna try and just focus on the story...

Lots of orphans throughout.

Another Ouija board haunting. Might just be me, but I've always found these things to be more comical than scary. Actually, this whole script feels more like comedy than horror. Again, this is just my opinion.

Yeah, this one just doesn't work for me at all. I'm sorry to sound so negative. You should definitely be proud that you managed to get a script in. OWC's are tough, especially open ones like this. Not an easy task to get a script in, and you did.

Keep writing. Thanks for entering.

No, not Stephen King, and believe it or not this is not my first balloon horror. At least you didn't explicitly make any of them red.

The first page establishes she has just moved in, and then we get a tour of the house for no reason. This is the time to establish the creepy tone and to set up the bedroom and the dead son that will become the center of the story, the rest is distraction.

The knife on the bedside table is interesting, and Chekov would be happy to see it pays off later. Its presence suggests she's scared living alone, which begs the question why? Did something happen, like a home invasion? An assault? But no, it's only there for convenience. If she's scared being in a strange house alone, show it. Have her jump at strange noises, double check the doors and windows are locked. If she's scared of what the ghost might do, though, that speaks to what she is willing to put up with to keep him with her and more on that later.

Emotion is missing from most of this. The only time she shows any real emotion besides being startled is her moment of grief. Much of this would be a lot clearer if we knew how she felt about the events happening.

She doesn't react to the first drawing and doesn't seem surprised to see the card and doesn't react to it being cut up to spell out "go away" other than to be disappointed. The message of letting go suggests she has been keeping Jacob's spirit attached to her, and has even established rules of communicating through knocks. So why does she have to print a Ouija board and ask if it is him? Why did she wonder if the balloon outside her door with the message was a joke? Why is she acting like this is the first time these things have happened?

And why did the balloon return after she released it other than just for one last jump scare?

This is about letting go, so everything should be about her unwillingness to let her dead son's spirit go. She would make sure he was still there as soon as she settled into the new house, that would have been high on her list of priorities since she is afraid of losing this last part of him. The horror could come from the spirit getting angry that she isn't listening and escalating to force her to, and then it becomes about how much she is willing to put up with or risk to cling to his spirit, even forcing her to defend herself at times, hence the knife. But once she does let go by literally releasing the balloon, let her be at peace.

By the way, printing out a Ouija board is something I never thought of. I love it.

I think it's the third Ouija board I see in this challenge. How interesting.

Hello writer.

So, for the first 2/3 the script reads matter-of-factly.

I see the direction. She's alone. And lonely. And something is obviously bothering her. Is she scared of something? She looks pretty calm so I don't know.

The Ouija board. It's like she does it every day. So, matter of factly. Among other things she was doing.

And yes, looks like she does it from time to time and Jacob responds. She wasn't scared or surprised. Does he tell her to let go every day? I don't know. But it seems like it.

This one’s got a calm, deliberate rhythm. The story moves with patience and the imagery stays clear. You can tell the writer wanted grief to sit beside the horror instead of hiding under it.

Where it slips a bit is emotion. Jennifer reads flat through most of it, so when the ending lands it doesn’t feel fully earned. The knife setup doesn’t add much, and the Ouija moment feels like a late reach instead of something organic to her loss.

That said, the visual symbols the balloon, the empty house, the quiet repetition all work. They give it a shape and a tone that’s easy to picture on screen.

Good concept. Just needs sharper focus on what the story’s really saying about letting go.

Writer,

I feel you could have trimmed a page or two off this and gotten the same, if not a better, effect. Haunted by the sins of her past. Got it. I feel you need some sort of ending the shows that Jennifer has moved on. Seems she’s still the same vodka swilling wreck that she was back in 2018. There are definitely other ways you could have went here that would have been more impactful, but I appreciate the effort. A lot of repetition her and not much action, and if you clad gone another route with your ending you can really punch this up. Grief in a story is good, showing it the right way is harder. Good job.

Steve