IOU by Written By - A man saddled with hefty debts to pay is ordered by a court to be financially tutored by an AI.  Short, Horror, Tech/AI Horror

Dear Writer,
what a dilemma!?? James has been fully probed and probated by Fiona the financial ai foreshadowing a Death designation. What a bitch!
Death and taxes ay?
Very clever, calculated and I'm sure something soon to be enacted in California.
All best --

An interesting premise where a debtor  is forced by court order under an AI financial advisor. Although I find it darkly comedic and with the AI's running his financial life was funny. The dialogue was too much. Some definitely should be cut. And would've liked to have seen a little more action in that need more visuals.

I felt it went more comedy than horror, bit it was still a smart story and the ending has a bit of irony.

I feel like in a script like this (where you have 8 pages to get to the juicy stuff) there's too much 'fluff' her. Eg essentially one full page of 8 is wasted on the court room scene when you could've established the fact that the court-ordered financial guidance is in place with one smart line of exposition.

That's a page you could've used on action lines and descriptions to make the tech elements and sci-fi/AI elements more immersive - i.e making the descriptions of the app seem more foreboding (or even satirical, making fun of how every AI-powered app these days is designed etc). I know it's always helpful advice to say "I think your story would be better if it were a different kind of story" and I often give a lot of latitude in OWC scripts to a authorial voice due to time constraints, but everything about your actions, slug, lines etc felt overly minimal.

Page 4 the conversation Fiona interrupts is our first really big tension with the AI. it's handled fairly well, I didn't mind the dialogue here. I liked the gag of Fiona deciding a bike would be more financially convenient and buying it for James despite him not knowing how to ride.

The final 'gag' is good, too, but I couldn't help to again feel if we'd had more time to slowly escalate the tensions with Fiona rather than the wasted time with the opening and some of the more 'obvious' moments you could've had more meat getting there. For lack of better phrasing it sounds like an interesting concept (AI finance guru makes counterinitiative decision to leave man stranded in woods due to medical costs) with a good deal of satire of the medical system, without a lot of interest in the 'how' of the character's journey to that gag.

Outside the confines of the OWC's rules and in a script with some stronger characters, cleaner exposition and more voice this would make a really really good (and easily produced) short with memorable gags

Definitely hit the mark with the AI angle, but it felt closer to comedy than horror IMO

This read more like Horror/Comedy/slapstick to me. No quite the Horror I imagined but the vertical writing kept me engaged and amused.

The premise of the story, where a court orders a guy to follow the terms and conditions of AI to pay off his debts is original. We could have added a twist or something more sinister in the premise. But either way it goes, the premise is good.

The genre of the story appears to be comedy. I don’t see any horror in the screenplay. Maybe if AI did something terrible to James every time he tries to break the terms of AI, things will take a turn, and that would add more tension in the script. As of now, I don’t see how this is a horror script.

I wish there were more visuals in the story. We see that dialogue is more dominant in the screenplay than the visuals. There are times where the dialogue tells us what the central conflict of the script is. For instance, James and AI conversate more on his debts, rather than showing us what debts he needs to pay. We can add more visuals that will show us how the debts can be paid off.

I think the dialogue is good. If you think about it, most of the dialogue can be omitted and replaced for visuals. This will take a full rewrite to switch the visuals and dialogue around. I can point out instances where you “tell� us what the story is about in the dialogue, rather than “showing� us in the description.

The central conflict of the story, where James sacrifices his assets, like his car, for instance, to pay out his debt, is good. It seems like you sold yourself short with more dialogue that tells us this rather than showing it. I also like the conflict where James and AI disagree with somethings, like not buying items impulsively.

I wish the girlfriend and James were more developed. The girlfriend was here for only a brief moment. If you can somehow immerge the girlfriend more into the story, we would have a 3D version of the story.  You did add conflict where you told us that James is making sacrifices to pay off the debt. But there is more room for character development between the girlfriend and James. And without character development, the story would be thin. There isn’t much change with James by the end of the story. Maybe if something happened to the girlfriend instead of James, he would shift his focus on paying the million dollars for the medical attention.

To be honest, this story has no structure. The ending of the story was a letdown. If you showed us that AI bought something really expensive, like a car, as a surprise or something, that would add more height to the end.

The main issue here is that  don’t see a character arc with James. We only see him having restrictions with AI. I also feel that the debts he has to pay is told rather than shown. Maybe show him trying to pay off a phone bill or something, and then show us how much more money he owns on debt.

Overall, good job.

When it comes to horror, you need to set up a mood for horror right away. This starts in a court room. Then it goes on several pages before we even have a disagreement. If I were you, I'd cut the courtroom scene entirely. There are way shorter and more interesting ways to convey what happened in court without showing it. Falling and getting hurt and have the drone and Fiona decide what to do with him is definitely a horrific situation, but it does not make this a horror story, IMHO.

Good Luck.  

I don't know what's going on with these Title Pages, but so far, every script has just an awful Title Page.   Why would you leave, "written by" on the page?  Bad start once again.

Oh man.  I don't know if I can take anymore.  Seriously?  Opening line may just be the new worst opening line I've ever seen.  Characters need to be CAPPED when 1st intro'd.  Sentences end with periods.  Scenes need to be set with descriptions.  We need to "see" what is going on.

Is this challenge about horror?  I haven't seen any horror and this the 3rd script I've read.  Am I missing something?

Where is this Fiona thing anyway?  Is it some kind of manifestation?  Is "she" there with this idiot,  James?  I don't get it.

It almost seems like English isn't this writer's 1st language, as basically every single line has at least 1 issue.

This is brutal.  Just brutal.  I'm sorry, but I'm at a complete loss.  ZERO HORROR here.  ZERO!!

Not a lot of horror here. The AI, Fiona, is more annoying than threatening and I assume that was intentional. The ending does land in a dark place, but the rest of the script reads more like a Black Mirror style satire about finances than a horror short.

I think it would hit harder if Fiona presented him with impossible choices instead of just making decisions for him. Right now she acts like an auto-pilot that blocks things and sells things without letting him choose. If she forced him to pick between two awful outcomes, like financial ruin or someone getting hurt, or medical treatment or a lifetime of debt, that would create tension and start pushing it toward horror.

Another direction that could help is if Fiona began telling him he had to do terrible or disturbing things in order to stay “financially on track.� That would turn her into an actual source of harm instead of just an inconvenience and would build dread long before the ending. Just some thoughts.

It sucks having to be accountable for every cent you spend.

Clearly seems accurate, but boring.  Why is James there? What is the deal? will I find out?  Let me see...

++++

I love Fiona. She does the maths so James doesn't have to.

+++

I hate Fiona, that cake block.

+++

The cut between James asking for the Uber and the bike.  Sublime.

And, I really hate Fiona.  

I enjoyed this.  The dialogue was snappy.  

However, you don't have "The End" at the end.

F

For serious, I wonder if Fiona's company has a financial interest in James saving money.  Like, if James kicks it, the company gets all estate assets, including James' body parts.   Regardless, a good story and I enjoyed it.  This is stupid easy to film.

Hey Writer,

As a stand alone short, I like this. Fiona is funny - her dialogue, systematic attitude, unwavering commitment to the cause - her (what I believe was unintentional) destruction of James's life was good fun. However, must echo the comments regarding the horror - comedy takes precedence here and this challenge was geared towards  horror. Appreciate you get there at the end but we don't get many sinister vibes before that.

Others have already made great points on how to enhance the script -I especially liked Pop Noodles’ and Walkers’ ideas for adding a touch of sinister tension. But as a bit of comic fun, I dug this as it is!

Writer,

Nice entry, love the AI out of control idea, but there really wasn’t any horror in here, was there. This read more like a light comedy filled with irony, but not horror. Maybe I missed it, I’d have to go back and check, but I’m pretty sure Fiona was actually talking and not texting,  as I don’t recall you mentioning that. Probably my miss there. Not a bad story at all, and it certainly fits the AI category, just without the horror.  

Steve

Writer,

You really need to CAP characters upon introduction. A reminder.

This was a mixed bag - yes, I agree with what others have said in regards to this not being a horror.

Maybe this needs to be rewritten outside of the constraints of the OWC and expanded.

That's my opinion, such as it is...

All the best,

Reggie

Hello,

I enjoyed this short. I think it could be tightened. Also, if you find a way to get rid of a judge you'll have a very low budget script in your hands. Maybe there's a voice mail on his machine. Judge order during covid times or something. Court rooms were closed at that time.

I don't think it's a short for this challenge though. I don't know much about horror but I can't agree that this is horror. If he fell and is covered in blood - this is still not horror.

Also, I've seen people trying to bend the parameters of the challenges, including myself, but not to this degree.

Hey Writer
Concept is clear. It has that Black Mirror angle where tech meets morality, but it plays out pretty much how you expect. The hook is there; it just doesn’t surprise.

The dialogue works. Fiona’s cheerful voice lands, but James never really feels like more than the guy in debt. If we knew one personal detail, what he lost or what he is trying to hang onto, the ending would hit harder.

The middle section drags with the “terms and conditions� bit. Funny once or twice, but after that it feels like the same punchline in a new wrapper. The drone scene is solid though, probably the strongest visual moment in the piece.

Format is readable, pacing is decent, but it feels more like a sketch than a story with layers. You’ve got the bones, it just needs sharper stakes and a stronger emotional hook.

Right now I’d call it fine. Not bad, not great. Worth a rewrite with more bite.