The Knock by anonymous - The night he left home and came knocking on yours  Short, Horror, Psychology

I really liked some of the dialogue here. Not sure I understand the decision to write this in a default font (unless it was about keeping the script under 8 pages in which case, clever) but whatever.

The haunted mask/s idea made me nostalgic for that old Goosebumps TV show which was furthered by the period time setting and all-American-ness of it (which was lovely!) but I felt all of that was undercut a little when you revealed this to be some sort of Halloween Michael Myers side-story.

The screenplay is out of format. I would suggest you download free software, such as Trelby or Celtx.

I cannot identify the premise of the script. The premise should be identified early in the screenplay. A rewrite will help us find the premise of the story. I think the premise is a little broad.

The horror in the script is so, so. We see the trick or treaters and murder happening in the script, which appears to show a little horror.

The visuals are alright. I just wish we had more visuals. The dialogue outweighs the description of the screenplay, overall. And it appears that the dialogue is telling us the story, rather than the visuals showing us.

It would be nice if the characters were developed a little bit more. I cannot connect to the characters the way the story is told. I apologize if this appears to be harsh. I don’t understand who the characters are and what role they play in. With that being said, I don’t know who the main character is. If you can help us identify who the main character of the story is, I will be able to follow the story more.

The setup took a little long. The central conflict, where Charlie is mysteriously injured could be illustrated more. I’m not sure if that’s the central conflict of the story. I don’t even think there’s enough conflict though. Maybe if we see Charlie’s reactions when he bleeds, would make the story read better and this will build up more tension.

I’m afraid that the ending was a letdown. I don’t even know what the ending of the story is about. I read this twice, and I still couldn’t pinpoint what the ending of the story is.

The dialogue is good. But it could be on the nose, because we see that the dialogue is TELLING us the story. A rewrite can make the story more leaner. I like how you illustrated the trick or treaters though.

The core issue here is that the setup took too long. And I feel that the central conflict appears at the end of the script. That’s a NO NO on our part. It should be handled at the middle of the script. I’m not sure if the typewriter, or the story written a story  is important in the story. I. I’m also feel that we can have some more visuals that would immerge us more into the story.

Overall, with a little rewrite, the story would be shown a little bit more. And, in conclusion, we want to see the characters developed a little more, along with the central conflict being identified earlier in the script.

I found this to be really confusing. The three-way intercut is where it really lost me.

When it says Charlie is committing the murders, I didn't know where he was or who he was killing. I think that section needs a clearer setup. The formatting, overall, is off, which made it hard to follow - at least for me. I am sure there is something here, but my ADD mind just can't follow it.

Dear Anon,
almost a UK TV format. (bit close to the left gutter, action not justified) this gets into it after a brief set up. It unreels the horror, made possibly more of a sensory overload by the three screen split. The enemy within your own house - Yikes!
My only change would be to have Walt amongst the corpse chaos at the Myers house. He's gonna be delayed . . . .
Spooky stuff. All best --

Punch in the nostalgia gut.  

Don't wear a sick kid's mask.  Don't.

Why did Charlie do that?

I know, now.  

Nice homage to Halloween the movie.  I think I need to watch the movie all the way through.

I enjoyed reading this.

The Halloween 1963 setting put me right in the story. I like Moira and Julia's dialogue.  The typewriter and intercut works for me but make it more clear what is reality and what isn't.  But I like how it ties the story together. Connecting it to the Michael Myers is a cool thing.  It feels like a lost story to Halloween.

I think this was written by a seasoned writer, but a novice screenwriter. The writing proves this, IMHO. The story itself was good, even if a little predictable as it went on, so you're good there. Let's instead mention a few of the glaring screenwriting issues.  

First off, you need a better scriptwriting software. There are several free ones out there. Font needs to be in 12pt courier. This is important because it helps any potential filmmaker figure out just how long this script would be as film. Courier 12pt usually works out to about 1 minute of film/script page.

Second, ditch some of your adjectives. Is it important to the story/film that this is an Illinois neighborhood? Is it important that the tea is cold? Try to think of what we see only. It's fine to describe things, just don't overdo it because unless it's important to the story, no filmmaker is going to make sure this is filmed in Illinois or that we can see the tea is cold. If it's important to you that the tea is cold, show an ice cube in the cup instead. Think visually.

Third, your slugs are all over the place. DAY and NIGHT are for production purposes, so they know how to schedule shoots and such. Try to stick to those two and if it's evening or late afternoon or early morning, find ways to describe that in the action paragraphs instead. The rules on this are more relaxed these days than they used to be, but yours are all over the place.

You clearly have talent, just need to work on the script writing bit.  

A riff on the famous Halloween tagline.

What is this font? Scripts are written in 12pt Courier (or Courier New or some-such Courier font). Major mistake here, I'm sorry to say.

You even begin the script on Halloween, 1963. Also, this should be a SUPER, not in the slug.

Illinois? Check.

I think you used continuous incorrectly.

The insert is all wrong. This looks like a character heading.

Time indicators are usually DAY and NIGHT, sometimes DUSK or DAWN.

You gave zero indication that Moira entered Julia's room.

Again, incorrect use of continuous.

Pages 2 onward are not numbered. Huge mistake. You're clearly a new writer. What software are you using? If you can't afford Final Draft (Who can?), I strongly recommend Trelby. It'll do a lot of the technical and formatting work for you. Now since you're new, I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt, but this will affect your score.

Wait... How does a house exhale?

Quoted Text The RADIO hums a cheery announcer

Weird grammar here, methinks. Is English your native language?

Russellville. I have been interested in a movie or story about the Charlie Bowles murders. I'd also love a sequel or revisitation of Halloween III.

Oh shit!

Quoted Text CHARLIE Tell her she’s got talent. I’ll show it off

Boy, will you ever!

Her husband's a cop? Sheriff?

Why is Charlie Bowles in all caps twice? You've already introduced him. Let me say, he had a quick dinner!

It was his garage, not his shed.

So is this what he "proceeded to" do?

You're definitely underwriting the murders, more so than the grave keeper did. Then again that asshole Loomis interrupted him. You have plenty of pages left.

The blackest eyes - Oh, wait.

The hall should be a minislug.

This is though the window, correct? Otherwise, you need a new slug.

The time cut is all wrong.

Wait... it wasn't Charlie Bowles? Arthur Mallet lied to me!

The formatting is off on page 7 (?).

And our obligatory look at what's going down in Haddonfield.

Judith was actually 15. November 10, 1947 - October 31, 1963. Even the franchise gets this wrong.

That CUT TO BLACK should be on the right, not left.

The technical aspects are all wrong, but I loved the story and am glad to see the story of Charlie Bowles unfold after 48 years.

Most things have been mentioned re format and the need for industry standard formatting.

I'll add this:

EXT. ORCHARD STREET – HALLOWEEN NIGHT, 1963 – DUSK

Rain drizzles over a quiet Illinois neighborhood. Porch lights glow amber through fog. Children in homemade costumes dash between houses, laughter threading through thunder.

Start this :
EXT. ORCHARD STREET - NIGHT

Then your description.

Then:

SUPERIMPOSE or SUPER: Haddonfield, Illinois
Halloween 1968

Plus your next scene is not Continuous. It's an entirely different scene and setup.

Use Continuous when a character moves from one location to another in one fluid motion. For example, a character running through a house and then bursting outside would be shown with a "CONTINUOUS" slugline for the outdoor scene. There is no time-lapse.

I found this almost poetic in the storytelling and as if it's a puzzle to be solved with all the strands. The intercutting is jumbled but I suspect writing them out fully may have taken up too much space.

I enjoyed this but it was really light on Horror due to the Michael story strand being conveyed, rather than actually shown, and likewise the ending leaves a question in our imagination as to what happens next with Charlie and Julia. Just not quite enough here for me and as with another script I read this is like a teaser for a feature length script so not entirely satisfying. Definitely a lot to work though and I enjoyed it

P.S. That's not really a logline is it?
Happy to help with that.

I think you have a lot happening in there. And wrong formatting allowed you. It's a lot of scenes in different places, but under the same slug. For example here:

INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
The RADIO is now just static ambiance. Moira turns off her lamp, finished
for the night.
She moves through the hall, checking on Julia—the girl sleeps. The masks
hang still now. Safe.
Moira rinses a cup, straightens her stack of pages. Outside, rain hammers
the porch. Thunder rolls—then a GUST rattles the front door.
Just wind.
TIME CUT – 8:47 P.M.
Moira dozes on the sofa, book on her chest.

YOu have Moira "moving through the hall, checking on Julia. Suppose she just looked in to check - it's still in the hall, not the living room. Then Moira rinses a cup. Where? Straightens her stack of pages - where again?

Then Moira does doze on the sofa - so this is back in the living room.

It was a bumpy read for me because I kept going to and fro to understand what's happening and where.

Last of the bunch, but don't worry, I won't be going into a deep dive, as I know peeps don't like hearing what's wrong with their work.

I read this when it was 1st posted and decided not to comment, as I didn't want to start things out negatively.

I've also read the feedback and I can tell you that there is a lot of great info, peeps gave you.  You should listen to it, as there's an awful lot wrong here..but are there some redeeming qualities?  Let's see, as I read again.

As everyone has noted, very odd how you formatted this.  It's all way off and no way would this fit the 8 Page max if it were properly formatted and written, and that's a HUGE issue any way you look at it.

So, obviously a Halloween Fan here, and/or lots of research went into this and that's a positive. Some of your lines show promise, but they're hidden within a very difficult to read and "see" script.

It's cool to set your story around iconic movie characters/etc., but it's also a curse when you don't pull it off, and here, sadly, you did not pull this off effectively.

I'm glad you entered and brought back some memories of these old characters.

Ahoy Anonymous -- okay, not going to regurgitate what's been said, I really liked the idea behind this story....but it felt like you spent most of the time setting it up and not enough time to wrap it up and do it justice. It seemed a little hurried at the end - maybe the writer was panicking to finish? Or perhaps you wanted the ambiguous ending. I can't knock it, sometimes things are better left to the imagination. For me the ending was just...meh.  

I dunno, perhaps it would have been better to have it as a stand alone piece. Meaning; Ax the Michael Myers angle. Just a thought. Clearly you've got writing chops. G'luck with this.

My opinion, I could be wrong. Feel free to stick more pins in the voodoo doll.-Andrea

Writer,

You have a good premise here. It almost reads as a Halloween origin story, which would be way cool. Other than that, I found myself a bit lost after the three way intercut — that and the formatting you used. Believe me, I tried to keep up but there was a lot going on there and the clarity seemed to get lost. But, imo, what you have here are the makings of a good story. You have good tension, and a good pace.

Steve

Right out of the gate, what the hell is this font and format? It's not the standard, and that's a serious problem.

We've clearly got a massive Halloween fan here. Me too.

The writing itself is actually solid. It's just not the proper format or font. And that really does matter.

Despite all the issues, and there are a lot, I enjoyed this one quite a bit. Hope you get yourself a solid screenwriting program. There are quite a few free options.

Thanks for entering.