1974 by blank - A musician who killed three women during the recording of his hit relives the crime every time the song plays, until his victims take their revenge.  Short, Horror

Dear Blank,
Crikey!!
This put me immediately in mind of Michel Gondry's music, single shot, scene-within-a-scene videos.
I suppose life (or death) imitating life has been done before but this is creatively beautiful, overtly outlined throughout its tension building phases towards the gotcha ya! ending.
It's one to study and to direct newbies to read (and weep!)
An AMPEX Grand master (gedditt? )

This was a bit challenging for me to follow and track, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I'm not so sure your logline is quite conveyed in the story: "relives the crime every time the song plays". Unless I missed it, I'm not sure how I would know this.

I don't have any issues with your one and two-line actions. If it were condensed, it would just be too dense to read. As it is, it reads fairly fluid.

This could use a rewrite or two, but I think it would be well worth the effort.

Good job, writer.

2nd? (3rd?) ouija board plot point this OWC I read in a row, something is in the air obviously (aside from the obvious horror connection)

I don't read the loglines on short scripts for the most part so without the guidance of your premise this was harder to parse than normal in terms of what your conceit was. Lots of action unbroken by dialogue tends to do that.

I'm a fan of anything that combines a specific kind of experience (an ex musician in his 70s) and the reckoning of the past so I liked this.

For the most part this is a quick, easy read even without any dialogue. The visuals carry it on their own.

The dollhouse and real house mirroring each other is handled well, though is a little confusing at times, jumping back and forth. It stays creepy, though, without getting goofy. The 1974 flashback is short but works.

The ending is the part that really worked for me.  It feels like a full story that pays off.

If I nitpick anything, the stretch of Jim just working before anything big happens could use one more early hit of something. And the braid in the box is such a great image but really didn't go anywhere. It would have been nice to have shown the color of the hair or have three things of hair for each of the victims - not sure why there is just one.

Overall this is a solid read. Creepy and it sticks the ending. Well done!

I like how the imagery of dollhouse mirror the real world as well as the piano as an instrument and weapon. It's a little slow and as someone else stated the logline doesn't really convey what's written.  Jim's guilt seems to drive him maybe could be a bit more to him. The final part before the fire could use more of a punch maybe, but overall a haunting story.

Hello writer,

Very nice idea and very nice writing here on display.

I did not understand how he relives it. I know he remembers, but is he enjoying it or being remorseful abot it? You seem to avoid clear stance on it, as if purposefully. But I want to know.

Also, how did they get him? So it must be remorse that brought him there to their dollhouse? Or is it a twin peaks kind of mystery?

I enjoyed the atmosphere here very much though. And the writing. And the idea as presented by this logline is exciting.

The story is written really well. The logline lives up to its promise. I just don’t understand  the music that  â€œrelives the crime every time the song plays.

The central conflict of the story is there. All the elements of the story is there. I really don’t have much to say. I just don’t understand how he react to the crime he committed. The story can be a little dense for some.

Overall, good job

Hey Writer,

What would actually play out on screen here, I’d totally dig. I'd be well on board  â€” an enchanting, unsettling, and thought-provoking tale, all shown visually. I know, I'd love it.

The reading began smoothly for me after the first few pages, but the flow faltered toward the middle and end, making it harder for me to follow — though I could still grasp the overall meaning. Now, likely just a "me" thing there, but I can only be honest on my own reading experience.

So, I loved the visual story you’re telling, but at times I didn’t enjoy the actual reading of it as much — if that makes any sense

Writer,

Interesting choice not to use any dialogue.

It held my interested throughout and I can imagine it on screen as working extremely well. It has the makings of a nice little horror story, I think.

I just think taking another look at this with the intention to rewrite would be very beneficial for you. Maybe filling the reader with some of the details behind the murders and all. Overall just making the story well rounded.

All the best,

Reggie

Strange how small "1974" is on your Title Page - just saying.

quick skim and I don't see any dialogue, which tells me this is going to be a "long" 8 page read.  Let's see.

OK, so we're looking at a dollhouse, right?  How could the staircase "climb into darkness"?

"hateful knowing" - I think you want a comma separating these 2 words.

Am I supposed to be "seeing" the "girls" work this Ouija Board?  I mean, they're tiny, right?  Imagine how small the board would be.  I don't think this works as intended.

Page 3 - I'm not harping or bitching, but I do want to say, as I always do, that when you format a FLASHBACK, you need to be careful, as many FLASHBACKS carry over several scenes.  You will ALWAYS need a new Slug, and you don't have one here.  Then, you have a BACK TO SCENE, but back to what scene?   Also, you're using an exact year, so Jim's age is pretty simple to figure out and tell us.

By the end of this FLASHABCK, I don't know what I'm supposed to be seeing.

Next scene is also very hard to follow, and the writing is getting sloppy.

Page 5 and now I'm really unsure exactly what I'm supposed to be seeing.  I think I can put the pieces together, but it's not based on what I'm reading, and things are seeming to "happen" because the writer wants them to and needs them to, as we near the end of the script.  basically, I'm saying that all of this stuff is happening "all of a sudden, for no reason, other than this is what the script needs to move forward and get to the end.

The end.

OK, so just my 2 cents and feelings.  I think you have a wonderful, creepy concept here, but as written, it's extremely hard to follow and "understand" exactly what you're wanting us to see and follow.  There's too much repetition between reality and the dollhouse stuff, and since they're identical other than size, it's just tough to follow along, and that's even with several times going back to reread what I just read.

My bet is that this is art 12-15 pager waiting to be born.  Jim needs MUCH MORE backstory and "character".  There needs to be some reason why this is all happening right now.  What's the catalyst for all this right now?  Why right now?

I think it will take many drafts to get the writing down so that all is clear and easy to follow.  It won't be easy, as this is foreign territory most likely.

It's a aggressive effort and I totally appreciate the fact that you went for something so "different", but, for me, as written and presented, it doesn't work, as it needs many more edits and re-writes.

I am glad to have been able to see this in its infancy and look forward to see how it evolves.  

1974. A reference to The Texas Chain Saw Massacre? That's where my mind goes.

You're second scene header confuses me. Are we still in the abandoned house? Or are we now in Jim's house? If we're in the same house, the scene header should simply read --

INT. ABANDONED HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Three orphans at the bottom of page 1! Watch out for those! They do nothing but harm the flow of the read.

Also, seeing some repetitive starts to your prose. (all this is on the first page) At the top, we've got consecutive lines starting with 'A.' Then, towards the bottom, we've got multiple instances of starting consecutive lines with 'He.' Now, there's nothing technically wrong with this, but whether you realize it or not, it does make for a rougher read. Not every reader may notice this, but their brains will.

This is a thick read.

Alright, now for the story. I actually really dig it. And I respect your decision to tell the story with visuals alone. Thinking this is one that'd work better on screen than it does on the page.

Strong effort. Thanks for entering.

Interesting title and premise. A golden age of classic rock.

This Courier looks a little thicker than I'm used to...

Nice visuals out of the gate. I can see that piano.

That was an interesting tease to open the script.

In 1974, wouldn't they have had multitrack recording? Why would they be sharing a mic? Oh, I thought Jim was with them.

These images are disturbing.

You mean like Barbie?

Another Ouija board? Nice. That's two for me, I think. I learned a new word, "planchette."

I just fact-checked the name Jennifer, and it's historically correct.

Ouija *and* voodoo?

Maybe you could have cold us the specific chord. C major? C# minor? G minor? A major?

What do you mean by "Blood pools"?

I'm not sure if you used BACK TO SCENE correctly.

Dollhouse-ception

Jennifer eyes stitched shut. Terrifying visual.

Hello, Eleven!

White is the new Orange?

This is now one of my favorites and will probably finish in the Top 5. You're clearly a seasoned writer and know your way around a good visual.

Writer,

I wanted to like this more than I did. For a script like this it was written well, which is hard to pull off. Seriously. No dialogue, lots of switching back and forth — I didn’t find myself lost once. I’m just not too sure of the logic here, as to how the place lit on fire. Or how the miniature dolls seemed to come to life. I think the Ouija board could have played a bigger role — maybe these girls befriended a demon who agreed to help them exact their revenge. Something like that. Anyway, a creative take on the challenge. I liked the backstory about the girls and the music producer. Nice touch.

Steve

I have to be shorter than normal here as I'm really busy at the moment. Good busy, though.

This script, I believe, is written in A4 paper size, which I think is more common in the UK, but can be changed in the software settings. I probably wouldn't have noticed if it hadn't been for all the text and no dialogue. A4 paper is slightly longer and a tiny bit narrower than the standard 8.5" x 11" used in the US. It doesn't matter, but it made it look like there was extra text. The text was nicely broken up, though.  

The story was pretty good, but it felt sometimes like a lot of reading with all the details. Even confusing at times. Especially the further into the story we got. BUT, all those details were well written and they made me able to see this. I honestly think this would work better and easier to follow by watching it as film than reading it. There was a reality show many years ago called On The Lot where one of the contestants made a thriller about a home invasion (I think), but in the end it was revealed to all take place in a dollhouse. It was pretty clever in a TZ kind of way.

Anyway, good story, well written, that would be awesome as a film, but not necessarily the best read.

Good Luck!