Pack Leader by Etain - Erin the "Pack Leader" forms an immediate understanding with the canines under her charge. Outwardly calm and confident, is she harbouring a darker secret?  Short, Horror

OK Boys and Girls, here we go.  1st read.

Logline is odd to say the least.  I have no clue which of the 5 options this is supposed to be.

Title Page very poor.  The title itself seems very low on the page and including the logline is a big mistake.  It's just a poor way to kick things off.

"GARAGE EXTENSION" - ?  Huh?  Not sure what this is supposed to be or mean.

"Her client, faded rock chic SALLY 38, indicates the garage side door." - I have absolutely no clue what this is supposed to mean.

I have no idea what's supposed to be going on at all on Page 1.  Many lines make no sense.

Why in the world is "THERAPIST OFFICE" both EXT and INT?  Really?  Is this office half inside and half outside?

The Flashback is poorly done.  How old is Erin in this INT/EXT scene?  Writing is poor and extremely hard to understand what's even going on and/or why.

The "DOG SHELTER" is outside?  I really have no idea what's going on.  Normally, I would have bowed out already, but since we're in an OWC, I will continue, but I may stop taking notes.

I'm sorry, but the writing here just isn't good.  It's impossible to "see" much of anything.  Commas missing all over the place.  Passages not broken up correctly.  Slugs are some of the worst I've ever seen.

You're using  "Sometime later:-" and "Much later:-" within a scene, which is completely incorrrect, and plain old odd.

I'm on Page 5 and haven't seen the slightest bit of horror yet and have no idea which option this is supposed to be.

The end.  Uhhh, other than what I've already said, I don't know what else to add here, but for me, this is a complete whiff.  No clue which option this is supposed to be.

Good job getting this in.

I love dogs and have taken mine to a trainer, so this caught my attention.

Right away, I'll say this, it feels like it's too big for just 8 pages. There is a lot going on - dog psychology, trauma, therapy, relationship, murder, investigation, supernatural metamorphosis - any two or three of these could make for an interesting short, but all of them together is really ambitious and made the pacing feel slow. We don't get to the creature story until we are deep into the script.

Overall, though, it kept my attention. I enjoyed it.

The faded rock star comment made sense to me - she's aging, washed up. That's the image it evoked.

Um, doesn't anyone else have '&' symbols all over the script when they download it? Very odd, and it makes this entry very challenging to read.

Some good bits in here that don't lead anywhere. Am I to understand that the gymnastics accident was the cause of her becoming a werewolf? Her therapist is to address what condition? It would also make better sense if the coroner offered up the 'maybe it was a werewolf' as a lighthearted joke, too.

This is another entry that has a good core that could really be something with time and revision.

Ahoy Etain -- um, I have to say that I struggled mightily with this. I appreciate the direction you were taking with this, but the biggest mistake you've made here was...there's just so much going on.  Forgive the analogy, but -- “It’s like a house with too many rooms added on — each one nice, but the floor plan doesn’t flow.â€� I'd consider simplifying the overall story. A solid effort.

Anywaz, just my opinion, I could be wrong. my thoughts, may not jive with the writer or the peanut gallery.  Feel free to stick more pins in the voodoo doll. -Andrea

@JE - No the script looks fine to me (in terms of lack of &s)

Writer - I will edit in a critique.

A lot going in and so little time. Out of the characters Erin stands out and her backstory makes her complex but all characters feel different enough. The dog handling scenes felt real. I like how it grows from mystery to body horror. The therapy and shelter scenes kind of gets bogged down and slow. But the moonlight transformation scenes are haunting but also feels abrupt. Some of the action is like prose and some dialogue tells what is already shown.  It does feel like a bigger script crammed into 8 pages. Maybe expand in a re-write of  you choose to.

Quoted from JEStaats Um, doesn't anyone else have '&' symbols all over the script when they download it? Very odd, and it makes this entry very challenging to read.

I see the '&' - ampersand when I use Edge, but not when I use Chrome.

So, it's you.

I enjoyed this.  It sneaked up on me quickly. There is a lot packed into this.

A blow to the head caused the transformations?

What was the motivation to kill Dr. Spot? Adultery?

This was an enjoyable story. There is so much more here. I love the ambiguity of the ending.

I cannot pinpoint the premise of the story, because there is too much story going on. If you can help us clarify the premise earlier on in the screenplay, the story would be an easier read.

The genre is clearly horror. We see a werewolf on the loose. The genre sets the tone of a horror movie.  

The illustration and visuals are good. I just wish you showed us the premise of the story rather than telling us. Even though you have some good visuals, we still don’t know what the central conflict of the story is -- at least I don’t know what it is.

The dialogue is good too. The dialogue is a little expository, though. You are telling us how the doctor died through dialogue. I’m the type of person who wants to “SHOW� how the Dr. Died. The dialogue can be on the nose at times too. If you can read out loud the dialogue, it would make the dialogue more natural.

Erin is well developed. I’m just not sure if Erin became a werewolf. I read this twice, and I’m still not sure. Usually, when we read a screenplay, the character development should be read smoothly through visuals, and by developing the characters some more, we can connect. I also wish the girlfriend was developed a little bit more. You showed her to us for a brief moment. You would also want to try minimizing the characters, so we can keep up on who we should root for.

The core issue here is that the central conflict (maybe it could be Erin turning into a wolf) isn’t identified. I believe there’s a lot of story going on. This makes it hard to keep up. This is too big for an eight-page story. The central conflict appeared towards the end of the story. The central conflict can be introduced earlier in the screenplay. The pacing is a bit slow, but it can be executed well with another rewrite.

We have about three stories in one screenplay. I think that’s a lot. If you can trim this up into one story and have the central conflict of the story to occur earlier in the screenplay, the story and pacing would flow well.

As far as structure goes, I’m not sure if Erin turned into a werewolf or not. Just clear that up a little bit, and you will have a little bit of sense of closure in the script.

Overall, I enjoyed the illustration through your words.

Good job.

Writer,

Decent take on the werewolf trope, though I’m not so sure how Erin achieved these powers — was it because of her accident (hitting her neck wouldn’t make sense) or because she’s just always been one? Either way then, not so sure what role the gymnastics accident played.  Though I have to mention that I did like that flashback — always appreciate a little back story. I’m not sure if this fits the parameters as there wasn’t a monster movie category to be had. It had a psychological vibe to it, but even that was stretching it a bit. Overall, liked it but didn’t love it. A few too many repetitive words, but the writing itself was clean and the story easy to follow. Good work.

Steve

Hello writer,

I appreciated this in a way and I'll explain.

Every scene was powerful as a stand alone scene. Every conversation had a meaning and the end of every conversation had a punch to it. Every visual in it had a punch and a meaning, too. The characters made sense, sounded unique. It was real people, real life, real everything. Highly believable.

Together it didn't work. You started with her taking a dog in. Etain. That part was soon abandoned and you moved to her with Dr Spot who she later killed after she churned. Why would she kill him? He was with the blonde?

Then it's Erin with her girlfriend - every scene in a feature should move a script forward. This scene, although very interesting to read and engaging at that - didn't add much to this short.

I understand you're showing Erin to us, she managed not to churn for long and finally lost the battle. I don't thik that 8 pages are enough for what you're doing here.

It was a very interesting read nonetheless. Hope you don't give up on it.

Hello Etain,

I had to look up 999 out of curiosity to see where that number is from. I am guessing Brittan. Our emergency number here North America is 911.

That aside, over all, this on one hand well written technically but on the other hand, from a story point of view needs work. How does a gymnastic accident turn her into a werewolf? There is a lot of subtext here which works on it's own. Despite that, the story was predictable and the build up was too long for 8 pages. I suppose to much went into subtext instead of story.

How does the trauma from a sports accident relate to being a werewolf? Maybe I missed something. There is a story here but needs to be more fleshed out to make it land.

All the best

Cheers,

Strange spacing on the title page.

Solid writing for the most part, but this is a seriously thick read. Way, way too much going on for a short. I respect the ambition, but damn.

Not much horror, at least early on anyway.

I love me a good werewolf story(though monster horror wasn't an option...), but there's just too much here to wrap my head around.

That said, too much is better than too little.

Good effort, here. Thanks for entering.

Good writing here. Every scene’s got purpose, and the dialogue feels lived-in. You can tell the writer knows how to handle mood and tension.

The problem isn’t effort, it’s space. There’s too much story trying to fit into one short — therapy, trauma, the relationship, the transformation. Each thread could work on its own, but stacked together it muddies the focus.

Still, it’s a strong piece. The ambition’s clear, the voice is solid, and with a tighter throughline this could hit harder.