Bombing by Dimitri The Clown - A stand-up comedian on tour in a small southern town for the week finds herself haunted by a particularly terrifying audience member.  Short, Horror, Psychological

I haven't read this fully to review it yet, but I suspect the author's (fake?) name has been put as the topic title rather than script name ("Bombing"). Will edit with a review.

I liked the writing. It was easy to follow but a little repetitive at times, it felt like it was caught in a loop - maybe it was supposed to? Bomb on stage, go back to the motel with Liam, do meth, back to the bar, see the figure again, repeat. After the second time through that pattern the tension stops building and it feels like the story is just repeating.

The other thing is the supernatural logic at the end is, I think, too vague. The reveal was cool, but I'm not sure what it actually meant,  whether she was already dead, or in some kind of loop, or hallucinating, or if Liam is supernatural. Maybe I need to read it a 2nd time or maybe subsequent reviews will clear things up for me. Overall, though, It kept my interest and I enjoyed reading it.

Dear Dimitri,
I enjoyed all of this excepting my confuson over
LIAM
Dunno. Not from here. . . .
w.r.t. what comes later. It's an interesting sideswipe at "the horrors of standup" and a great depiction of those punters who are determined not to get it. (As told to the audience in BBC radio live broadcasts - "We can't hear a smile!") The doppelgänger tattoo an emotve pre-selective take on body dysmorphia, an inking out of the original form. Disguised in plain sight. But preserved in the freezer - a comely frightfest!!
Well done --

Another script where the writing itself outshines the story, IMHO. If I were you, I'd make the standup scene once, but longer and more painful, and then move on to the other stuff. Too many repetitions in such a short piece. The freezer running and Rowena not being able to open it was a dead giveaway that there would be a body inside. I was also confused about the ending. Still pretty good. I enjoyed it.  

I like the scene description, “Shitty Motel.� It’s intriguing. The story is written well, although there’s not enough visuals. The scene were Liam were in bed with Rowena is unnecessary. We could have cut straight to the scene where they found the dead body in the freezer.

I like the tension you build up in the story. I just feel that the figure wasn’t so creepy. I was expecting to see the creature doing something more sinister. The story kept my interest until we no longer see the figure.

The character development is alright. I just wish we see the figure more, unless I’m missing something. It is unclear if the figure turned out to be Rowena or Liam at the end. I’m also not sure how to standup comedy has connection to the story. I think we went to the standup comedy too much. I was also confused as to rather the dead body was the guy sitting down in the Bar. If you could clear this up, the story would be more enjoyable. As for now, I still enjoy the tension you built.

Overall, good job.

Very nice writing, writer.

I wish she said something funny and not morbid though. Them not laughing will start the idea that something sinister is going on. Like the town is all wrong there.

Nice set up by the way. A stand up comedian in a small town.

I did not understand the ending very well, went back to check if I missed anything. She had the tatoo- yes but was it her sister? Or it's some kind of a loop thing? That would have been fun - if all the residents of that town were dead... but that's not how it's written. And, besides 8 pages wouldn't be enough for it. The ending made me wonder if it was true however.

Writer,

Been a bit since I've read or reviewed anything around here. Might be a bit rusty.

One of the better ones I've read. Actually the only one so far.

The story easily flows from start to finish for the most part. Writing was great, however all the "stand-up" did get repetitive. We get it. And with the allotted time frame I would suggest you try and condense them. It would bold well for the story.

A decent ending but ultimately unsatisfying. Left me with more questions than answers. I could have missed it.

But still - good job overall.

All the best,

Reggie

I will try and not bring up what I feel are "issues", but out of the gate here, I feel like I have to.

For some reason, you start this "OVER BLACK- -", but you never FADE IN, so in theory, the whole script is OVER BLACK.   But, maybe the bigger question is, Why do you want to start OVER BLACK at all?

What does "alt, urbane" mean?  I looked it up and found nothing, so I don't know what I should be seeing with with this descriptor.

Just a logic question I want to throw out - why in the world would anyone be "performing 9 nights straight in a tiny little bar?  Is her presence there increasing the bar's take each night?  For me, this just doesn't make any sense.

The end.  I don't get it.  Rowena is in this bigarse freezer in an abandoned house.  Liam killed her somehow?  She's a ghost performing poor comedy in a shitarse town?  What happened to Rose?  Who or what was/is this Dark Figure?

I just don't see much of a story here.  Leaving things up to your audience isn't a bad thing when there are clues and reasons, but I honestly don't see any here and I actually read this thing 3 times.  So, I am interested in hearing what I'm missing.

Thanks for playing.

Right off at the beginning I'm going to point this out only because I'm guilty myself. Where something told instead of shown.  WOMAN'S VOICE performing stand-up comedy.   I think that you could've started off just showing a comedy club then introduce her on stage.

But a road comic trapped in a dead in town is interesting and I see where the loop thing comes in.  Addictions and I guess he is also seeking validation but some scenes could be cut down. Maybe doing other things, or in differen ways. The final reveal of the tattoo was haunting. What else does Rowena want more than gigs?  Maybe making things more clear especially the dark figure and the ending would make this even better.  Interesting andenjoyed reading it.

Funny opening.

I'm bothered by "Tiny Crowd"  I envisioned little people milling around. But, I don't know a better way to convey the emptiness of the scene.  "one or two scattered audience members"?  

"very first twelve
year-old Native American girl your
founder molested!"

Now that's a show stopper.

She needs to get away from Liam.  If he smoked weed, that would be another matter.  Meth, bad.  Weed, less bad. Let's see if this plays out with Liam.

ROWENA
You have very high standards here.


I think you need another town-offensive joke here to round out the scene, tho  I like what you did having Liam come support Rowena.

A classic American
fentanyl town.

I love that line.

Damn!  That was a great payoff!  However the "We note:" kinda dampened the ending.   Perhaps describe the body parts.  The "We sees" take me out of the scene.  

Overall, I really liked this.  I like the descriptions of the small town and the premise of the script.  Perhaps re-working the ending to take out the 'We Sees', but other than that, mission accomplished.  

Hey Writer

Whilst, i enjoyed the read I did have conflicting feelings with it; The setup with Rowena's bombing stand ups and this mysterious seething figure in the background had my attention. I have to say, I found Rowena’s comedy routines hilarious in that awkward way — her not being funny and even a bit offensive, kind of like David Brent. That sort of cringe humour is comedy gold for me.

Then we get to the creepier half of the tale with the figure, the abandoned house, the freezer, Liam and the tattoo. I guess it was all a bit too ambiguous for me. I wanted to understand it so i can really appreciate what you were going for here, but sadly, I struggled.

I’d be interested to find out — or maybe it was just left open to interpretation.

Deeply unhappy grandmother? I've been there.

What exactly is "alt" supposed to look like? Is she a furry? Counterculture? Hipster? LGBT? Bohemian?

"shakes her head no" is actually redundant.

Normally your slugs wouldn't be "The next night," etc. Use SUPERs for that. I'm not sure "Soon after" works as a slug.

Lay/lie strikes again. They "lie" together, not "lay." People "lie," even if they're corpses.

"Eugh." How do you pronounce this? Like Tim Allen's grunt on Home Improvement?

Why "she shakes her head" his parenthetical?

"pretence"? British?

Interesting, I had every reason to believe that Rowena was Black, just from her name alone. It's like what Tyler Perry would name a character.

What do you mean by tweaking? Tweaking what? Surely you don't mean twerking?

"We note." That's a new one.

"We hear" is usually forbidden for rookie writers.

Whoa, that twist ending! So...

*SPOILERS*

Is the Dark Figure Liam's dead brother's ghost?

Mechanically, the script needs work. But the story is pretty solid. Congrats on entering.

Some really good writing here, but I, too, was left scratching my head. I re-read it and still don't really know what the meaning of the ending is.

As soon as the freezer was opened and had severed limbs, I expected one to bear her tattoo since it was a direct call back. I just didn't know why yet, but the answer never crystalized.

There's the drug angle, but that doesn't make sense since she saw the sinister figure before she started her meth routine. Liam changes at the end, revealing he was lying, but then they vanish leaving us with only her body in the still open freezer with the words "life is sacred" as if mocking me for not understanding.

Was she dead the whole time? Is this Hell, or Purgatory?

(By the way, I asked Google about Sikawana, Louisiana and the AI happily informed me the most prominent reference to the fictional place is this very script.)

Maddeningly vague ending aside, the comedy routine starts off strong but ends up being very one-note. Shock comics like that usually piss the audience off and then try to win them back, but it seems like she's only interested in shitting on them. And what happened to Rose? She shot Rowena down and then walked out of the movie.

Liam is all right, and their meth-fueled relationship never gets deeper than boredom busting which is fine, she's just passing through. It would be more meaningful if the ending were clearer, especially since this relationship is the heart of the story leading up to that reveal. I'm interested, I want to know, but it remains frustratingly out of reach.

Quoted from ReneC (By the way, I asked Google about Sikawana, Louisiana and the AI happily informed me the most prominent reference to the fictional place is this very script.)

Seriously?  This very script was referenced?  That's CRAZY!!!