Get Out by Author's Name - A couple move into a house and deal with its sordid past.  Short, Horror, Comedy

Here we go again.  Title Page - You obviously spent some time on the graphics, so why, why, why would you leave "Written by Author's Name" in there?  And, you have "Contact information", but no information.  Just not a good way to start.

Opening Slug incorrect.  You want to start with the "bigger" element 1st, so "MANSION - KITCHEN", but that doesn't look good, either.  Again, just not the way you want to start.

Dave's intro includes an unfilmable tell - how do we know Dave is a "real estate broker"?

Why would Dave show these 2 a house and then continually tell them not to buy it?

Where do you "show" us that this mansion is rundown or the like?  You didn't.  ARGH!!

Dialogue poor, unbelievable.  Characters unrealistic.

The tone here is definitely not horror.  On Page 4 and little is happening, other than 2 idiots acting like idiots.  I would stop under normal circumstances, but I'll read on.

Slugs all wrong.

WOW.  Ummm.  OK, then.

Thanks for this.  

Dear Author's,
from the surreal set up I was hoping above hope for those pesky kids!!! I was imagining Shaggy in the suit of armour (running OS for Scoobie snacks) so was genuinely surprised for that reveal (not S.D.) Given a more generous page count the Mystery Machine would have rocked up for the final reveal.
Animation could easily evoke the spectral spookiness (and cow sized Halloween creature) depicted here. With cartoonish logic (in the manner of an SD episode) this zips along thru simply shown entertaining scenes.
A small snag - the fault is entirely mine - is that my mind always reads the words "Get Out" in Schwarzenegger-esque. Great stuff --

This has cult-classic vibes. It was a fun read. The spider and the doctor feel like they just drop in out of nowhere, though that might be intentional - it works in a campy way, at least for me. Overall, I enjoyed it!

I said something similar on another script - when your script can only be 8 pages, and you have a 1 page opener of just 'business' (in the case the buying of the house), ask yourself if you really need it. What does the moment between Russ, Heike and the realtor establish that can't be established later? The house is haunted - you establish that in the very first scene. Russ and Heike either don't believe it's haunted or are excited or it to be haunted -- again that's very clear from later scenes. EDIT: I wrote this before the 'twist' but I stand by it - Dan's motivations can be established in later scenes, too, even with a throwaway line, i.e 'the realtor really didn't think we should buy this place' or whatever.  

You don't have to 'set up shop' so to speak from the very beginning in such a dense way, and whatever tones or vibes you're aiming for can co-exist with the plot mechanics (which you've done well with the dialogue and quips in following scenes).

Anyway, overall, until I got to the Scooby Doo comedy ending, I did have some thoughts on the campiness of the tone and dialogue but it's clear that it's purposeful when you consider it as a whole. The dynamic between the couple is funny (if a tiny bit obvious) but overall it works well

EDIT EDIT: I'd question the title a tiny bit??? I mean 'Get Out' makes sense with your plot entirely but it's also the title of a very well known and culturally relevant horror film from the last decade. It would be kind of like naming a short about tornadoes 'Gone With the Wind' unless you're deliberately making some sort of commentary here.

Ahoy Author --Uhm, I don't know about this one. I want to say I forgot to read the genre before going into it. But I didn't, so, with any subgenre of horror there still needs to be a horror element and I didn't think there was much, if any, horror in this one. It feels straight up slapstick comedy, clearly done intentionally. Fair enough.

Also, parts of the dialogue could use a tweak, especially early on. Overall, though, a pretty solid entry as is. An entertaining read, for sure. -Andrea

The premise of the story, where they are determined to buy a haunted house is original. I just wish that they were a little more determined to buy the house.

I like the horror aspects of the story. The Genre is clearly horror. It as identified early in the screenplay. You did good illustrating the genre of the script earlier on in the screenplay.
The dialogue is good. It is natural. Sometimes we see what needs to be done, which is good. The dialogue moves the story forward.

We have enough visuals in the story. However, the first few pages can have more visuals. You can illustrate more on the kids by developing them a little more. I like how the kids tried to convince Russ and Heike to buy the house. I just wish the kids can try a little harder to convince them to buy the house or to adopt them, though.

In the character development, it would be nice if the couples weren’t so alike. I wish the two characters were more distinct. The other characters are well developed, except for the kids and Dave. I don’t know much about the kids though, to be convinced that they should be adopted.

The central conflict of the story, where the couples and Dave struggle with an armor, which turns out to be Dave, is good. I also see that they struggle to fight a huge spider. I just wish they could have more time to fight off the spider though. I see the armor is a little sinister too. I’m not sure if the children lived in the house to begin with. And I feel that there’s too much story going on. We have Dave who pranks the other characters. And then we see the kids and the spider. That’s a little too much. I would suggest sticking to one conflict, unless you can pull this off differently. So, there are still unanswered questions.

I’m not sure where the doctor came from.

As far as structure, you left us hanging with the ending of the script. I still want to know where the kids came from. You could give us a hint of the kids at the beginning of the script. And then, work your way to the end. That would answer a lot of questions.

So, the core issue here is, there are unanswered questions that can be answered in a rewrite. There are also some plot holes in the story. The doctor just appeared out of nowhere, but we don’t see how he benefit in the story. I don’t mean to be too brutal.

Overall, you did good.

"It's haunted. Let's go." I love that line.

Did they buy the house?  

People died here.  Let's try and talk to them.  Heike has enormous balls.  I'd have been out of there.  

I'm scared.  Send the young woman to investigate.

This is camp!  Completely changes the tenor of the script.  

Those pesky kids.

This was campy and funny.    Heike is the real hero.

Campy and full of cliches' which is familiar. S big spider, the floating boxing gloves, and the final ghost children adoption(which I was a little confused by) As someone else pointed out a Scooby Doo type twist was interesting. I think the chase and Ouija board scenes went too long. But the Ouija board changing text was cool.  Dave was the standout for me.  the other characters felt a little flat.  But overall a fun and funny scary time.

"He looks at her like she has ten heads." that's a fun description.

Basement, giant spider, weird doctor, abused kids, the kids looking for adoption... So, you intentionally incorporated all the cliches I guess. That's a really good idea.

The broker giving his plan away and telling them he has to pee - yes, strange but fits this script.
And then the spider. The weird doctor.
"Will you adopt us" "of course we will" - that's funny.

The ending - does it mean Dave will haunt the house now?


Somehow these things are the hardest to write. I'd recommend reading really good ones. One is by Tim Radcliff and is here on the site. a few others were submitted to the superpowers challenge. Read those that made to the top.

A nice idea. I think it's rushed at times (like the beginning) and things are a bit too sudden in here for me.

The thing she reads about the house - she just blurts out chunks of information at us. It could have been presented in a more subtle way and gradualy.
Like the broker could say some of it instead of saying it's haunted - he could say that kids were slautered here...

I sorta liked this one. The mention of Scooby Doo made it clear that this was goofy. It teetered on the line between being a comedy and horror. Kind of like Young Frankenstein.

I enjoyed it. My first gripe until I figured you were going for fun here was, they were so excited the mansion was haunted that they wanted to buy it right away and even pay cash. But, then they get spooked by tiny, IMHO, nothing things. I would've thought they would be excited about the hauntings and weird stuff.

PS: Why are "bad" doctors always German?

I enjoyed it. Good Luck.  

The Scooby-Doo twist adds personality, even if it tips into parody. It’s the only part that feels unique. Everything else hits standard haunted house notes.

it’s a quick, harmless read with flashes of fun but not much tension or emotion underneath. It would work better if it fully leaned into its camp side instead of playing half-straight imo

Writer,

I liked this haunted house story, but I’m in two minds about it. Seems you meshed a little comedy in there, but I don’t think it was placed well here. I think if you’d stuck to straight up horror this would have been much better because I think you have a really good ghost story here. Writing is clean, and I could see everything very well, but the comedic elements detracted from it. For me anyway.

Take my comments for what they’re worth. Just my opinion, but I think you have the makings of something that could be really good!

Steve

Not a fan of these flashy title pages.

FADE IN needs a colon.

Opening header is backwards. It should read --

INT. MANSION - KITCHEN - DAY
"So you can see that the house is really run down. Let's move on." This line of dialogue bothers me. It implies that the house is really run down, yet you, the writer, haven't SHOWN that to us. What are we doing here!?

This dialog isn't working for me at all. Nothing adds up. Why's Dave showing them a house he clearly doesn't want to sell them?
Lots of telling through dialogue when you should be SHOWING us through action!

Second header is wrong as well. We're still in the mansion, right?

What is this dialog on page 2? I get that this is supposed to be funny, so maybe it's just not for me. I'm certainly not getting any horror vibes here. Will press on...
A pretty solid haunted house concept, but the comedy just doesn't fit here. What's worse, the attempts dampen the horror elements.

Sorry, but this just doesn't work for me. Others may feel differently.

Thanks for entering.

Hello Writer,

Wolf spider would be dead in a cage especially one that big. Ah, never mind. It was a ghost spider.

Heike comes across as shallow and I don't believe she would be more concerned about a floor compared to nearly killing her boyfriend. This twist doesn't work here along with the dialogue that follows.

The scooby doo moment doesn't work either. I find the characters reactions not inline with what's happening.

I did like the twist at the end on the Ouija board.