Spook House by  - A boy and his uncle come to terms with a dark family secret in a haunted house.  Short, Horror

fixed!

Quoted from Don fixed!

Still no script here.

Quoted from Dreamscale Still no script here.

LOL, maybe the joke's on us.  We've been ghosted!

OK, I'm sticking with my new persona, but I apologize for this next comment.

Title Page - Quite funny, actually, as it says, "This screenplay may not be used with the author's written consent." - Hopefully a typo, but who knows these days.  

No notes.  Writing is fine.  Fast, easy read.

Story-wise, it's interesting that you chose not to completely let us in on exactly what's going down or went down, but for me, at least, it works and I think I can fill in the missing pieces.  I also appreciate that this isn't some random haunted house with random peeps stumbling upon it.

Characters are good.  Dialogue solid, but maybe a few more passes could clean up some areas where slang and actual words seem to be used interchangeably, if that makes sense.  Character interaction is good and these 2 actually seem to "know" each other.

The ending is not what I had expected.

Good effort here and glad you entered.

Dear Writer,
a familial rite of passage spook-fest that terribly backfires. It's an easy read. Those dialogue boundaries are way bigger in Texas?!
I was hoping for a cameo from the Mexican free-tailed bat but a mighty talons drawn owl will suffice.
Spook-tastic !!

Wow, that went dark, fast.  

Red is not a responsible adult.   Toby not the smarted pup in the pack.

I needed more from the end. You really ramp this up, slowly.  Toby is the ultimate sacrifice, but for what?  Toby has to save the world or be whisked off to some far off land.  

I really enjoyed this one.

Slow burn southern horror. Uncle Red ad Toby two peas in a pod that goes from from road trip banter to full-on supernatural horror.  The dialogue kinda goes too long even though I enjoyed the humor. The ending I'm not sure about after the skeleton grabs Toby the owl comes then an explosion. It's confusing and no real setup. Just happens. It's ambiguous.  I think of you clear that up would be a lot better. Solid effort though.

The setup is written well. I like how you get us prepared for the Spook House. The visuals are good. The dialogue is alright. I just think it took a while to get to the central conflict, where they enter the spook house. We already know that Toby is scared. I enjoy the tenson that is built up in the story.

The ending of the story was a letdown. And technically, this story has structure. All the elements of the story is here. It’s just the setup took a little too long. Your characters are well developed, and I like the premise of the story.  I just wish the ending was written differently. Either way it goes, the story is written and executed really well.

Good job

Ahoy -- okay, this was REALLY well written. Solid dialogue with just the right amount of humor. The characters felt natural. Oh, you forgot to bold two slugs. Pg 9, typo *intro* think you meant *intro.*  It ticked all the boxes of the challenge nicely, I was expecting something a bit more at the end. None the less, it was/is pretty good I thought. A SS vet, pretty sure. Truth, not much wrong with this one. Um, I want to say hang it in the Louvre, but since it was robbed recently, maybe not?   Anyhoo - the writing is on the wall, I enjoyed it. Kept my interest throughout. -Andrea

I like this one. It feels complete and it is one of my favorites from this challenge.

The only thing that threw me a little is why they're apologizing to the skeleton if they believe he was an evil person?

I also think the ending would be stronger if Toby broke the ritual on purpose instead of the cross just randomly falling out of his Toby's pocket - the pay off at the end hinges on that one random event - and I think the end should be a tied to something stronger than this random event.

Another Halloween-adjacent script, or at least the title.

Quoted Text This screenplay may not be used with the author's written consent.

Um, okay.

Oh, this is set in Texas.

That opening shot belons in a RAM commercial.

Fun fact: John Wayne told writers tryin' to write his drawl, "Look, fellas, just write it in English, then if I accept the role, I'll play it like John Wayne."

Interesting tradition.

I'd like to know more about this skeleton.

Another hacksaw.

Eighteenth (Century) clothing.

The parenthetical looks a little too far to the left.

Okay, I'd really like to know this story.

Whoa, holy shit!

Whoa! What an ending! You're clearly a seasoned writer and screenwriter. I love this one. The beer gush makes for a great visual. Congrats on entering.

Hey Writer,

This is one of those stories where I would be fully immersed watching it play out on screen - a mysterious journey into a sinister house with a well paced unnerving subtlety to it.

I'd be onboard with that - and was liking the dialogue too.

It was just the ending - couldn't quite grasp it. Seems that the skeleton had kinda possessed Toby? Whatever went on, it was tad "WTF" for me - that said, I appreciate that you've tried to give your ending a sharp turn - unlike my effort

Hey Writer

This one has a strong opening. Setting, tone, and character voices come through immediately. The dialogue between Red and Toby feels natural, simple and unforced. Red’s mix of menace and fatherly charm works well. The kid’s nervousness reads honest.

The structure is an old-school ghost story built on initiation, a haunted house, and a family curse. It works because it’s clean, but it’s also familiar. Once they reach the house, the story becomes predictable with the usual spooky sounds, whispers, skeleton, and twist ending. There isn’t a clear emotional or thematic spine beyond “don’t mess with dark family business.�

The pacing is solid. It moves quick and never gets confusing, but it doesn’t build much dread. It’s more event-driven than atmosphere-driven. The owl connection is a neat touch but feels underused. It could have been tied more meaningfully into the story.

The twist where the boy becomes possessed or violent lands fine but could use a small beat of clarity. It happens fast. One second he’s scared, the next he’s attacking Red. That jump needs more transition.

The writing is clean and professional. No big format issues. You can tell this writer knows their craft. The story itself just needs a stronger hook or a reason to care beyond the ritual. The “rite of passage gone wrong� idea is good but it needs one fresh element to stand out from the familiar haunted house setup.

Fun read

Hello writer,

Your story has a backstory which could be really interesting to read. I guess 8 pages are not enough to dwell on that story and that's why Red just promised to tell when Toby is 16.
We learn that Toby's dad killed his dad or vice-versa (or something of the sense) but it was from the mouth of Toby and was cluttered with the action - Toby trying to kill the uncle, so it didn't look of much importance. But I would want to know as it's important.

Otherwise, why would an uncle take an innocent boy to that house? Also, the fact Toby lost the cross was Red's fault. Red had to make sure the cross was with Toby. I wish Toby lost it in another way. I wish it looked like Toby's fault actually. But it doesn't at the moment.

You kept me on my toes just to see a boy get possessed and burnt alive. That ending I did not appreciate. And I was pretty sure you'd save the kid.