Ricky by Khamanna Iskandarova - Drama, Crime - A quiet train conductor caring for his hearing-impaired companion must confront his own demons when a rogue man from his past boards the train to challenge the life he's chosen. 72 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


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The script is inspired by the moving vehicle challenge from Zack's tournament.

we have:
RICKY (older guy, 50s, very worked out, silent, a smoker, always in a baseball cap and assumingly of Indian decent)

SANDEEP, late 20s, a train conductor, seemingly was raised on a train by a single mother who also was a conductor, He's handsome, tall, looks somewhat Indian, and believes himself to be Ricky's son after seeing Ricky board the train

VIVIEN(early 20s, another train conductor. There's something about her, she can't talk  well and is mentally slow. She's blonde and beautiful. Her and Sandeep are in love.)

ATMOSPHERE - will have to be the main attribute of the train life. The pace will be slow and complacent. Also, there will be sex but under covers. No rapes though. (and no "in the eye" type of action)

This script is about SANDEEP wasting his life on a train. He's sticking to it. That's where he was raised and that's where he'll die. That's where his mother lived her life too. That's where he met Laura and he loves her for security and for the fact that she can't leave the train either.

After he sees Ricky he starts remembering him. This is the guy from his mother's pics.

Then a passenger (a regular and Sandeep's friend) looses his wallet. SANDEEP recollects how Ricky once used him (a 5 year old boy) to steal something from another passenger. Is Ricky a theif? He doesn't get to find out. The passenger finds his wallet the next day but Sunny is on a hate path.
Will he confront Ricky?

Also, we'll know from the beginning that Sandeep has a gun.

There will be passengers that come an go that include girls hitting on Sandeep, another little boy that triggers Sunny's recollections. I'm thinking how not to rely heavily on flashbacks. Ideally I'd avoid them but it's impossibly in this case. I do want not to use the word "FLASHBACK" because in some cases it won't be anyone's recollection. But let's see.

So, that's what I'm starting with for now.

edit: changed names. (that'll go on and on)

I like what you got so far. Interesting.

I'm not sure I will post what I'm working on, or not. I might.

I like this ! intriguing. I like chamber drama type things and these seem like characters whose lives would be interesting to watch unfold. looking forward to it !

This seems pretty interesting, Kham. Definitely curious to see how you develop it.

Quoted from JCB71 I'm not sure I will post what I'm working on, or not. I might.

You should!

This has a calm weight to it. The train setting fits the story and the characters t feels like the right space for their lives to overlap. The Ricky and Sunny connection already carries tension without needing much else.

I like that you’re focusing on atmosphere and the slower pace. It gives the story room to breathe. Feels like something that could quietly sneak up on people once it’s written out

Thanks everyone. I have 5 pages so far but need to take a break for a week as something important is happening in my life that needs my individed attention )) I'll be back to writing this!

Meanwhile Im thinking of hte second act. The climax of the story is their stand off - Ricky and his Sandeep's but something has to lead to that in the middle and I don't want to rely on flashbacks only. I want something to happen in the present. Originally I planned for a passenger to loose his wallet. But then to find it. So we don't know if it's Ricky's doing. But now I think it's not strong enough. Maybe the police should show up....

I was trying to find the original short - which OWC?

I havent yet been active on this but in the next few weeks i will have much more time to get involved

Thanks Reef.
it's this one https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1740628083/

Most people found it hard to understand. The feature will clear that up hopefully. I'll be posting whatever I have written when the link is available - it's just to keep track of the written pages and encourage myself to write more.

So far, I'm stuck at 5.

The lack of clear vision for the middle part is not great. With all the other features I knew what it's going to be.

Dear Kham,
your train setting already features the conflict(s) of the space; the repetitive noises: rails, bumps and clicks or surrounding stuff vibrating; the smells – is there food cooked on the train? people's snacks?
Or countryside smells and surroundings passing through; the routines of train travel and signals . . .
The wind entering the train or weather conditions triggering
Sunny remembers:-
as an action line then the scene header
EXT. STATION PLATFORM - DAY
(Sunny 10, picks a passenger’s pocket)

Great stuff.

Hey Kham,

I like the “meeting people on the train� setting.

If you don’t want to use flashbacks, maybe set up the stories via the characters pov kinda like the movie Weapons (that’s the most recent movie that came to mind lol).

If anything else comes, I’ll let you know.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from JtF Sunny remembers:- as an action line then the scene header EXT. STATION PLATFORM - DAY (Sunny 10, picks a passenger’s pocket) .

Thanks. I'l do that possibly if I'm cornered. Some kind of flashbacking formatting is unavoidable in my case because he has to recollect - at first to recognize that it's the same guy (and possibly his dad) and especially the theft scene.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey Kham, I like the “meeting people on the train� setting. If you don’t want to use flashbacks, maybe set up the stories via the characters pov kinda like the movie Weapons (that’s the most recent movie that came to mind lol). If anything else comes, I’ll let you know. Hope this helps, Gabe

Hi Gabe!
Long time no see.
That character started out as Gabe by the way)
Thanks, I need to check out that movie - never seen it. It's good to have an excuse to watch a movie. Thanks.

Hi Kham

I remember this now.

I adore the setting and vibe.

one small thing - this isn't Rickys script is it. It's Sundeep's. Correct ? If so, does the title land? For example, Juno was about Juno.

I have two questions;

1] what's the theme? ( I like theme)

2] do I see feature? And if we get ahead of ourself (which we should be allowed to!!) is whether this would appeal to a director.actors and audience.


I will offer a few initial thoughts but we all know as writers we have our own stuff and need to seek our own journey with these.

theme - life. its a journey, you can't get off, people come and go. what can you make of it, how do you adjust. Or, how we get stuck in ruts, accept the way it is, rather than challenge. What is the block to getting off the train - his fears of the unknown (allies known) or letting down an informal family narrative etc. to get off save the relationship etc It wouldn't  direct the script more float above but leave the reader/audience with things to reflect on

2] feature - we've got A Story (what's this one?) and B Story (love interest perhaps).  

I was thrown into murder on the orient express - a sense of whodunnit. What do I need to discover? And in a contained fashion - the ticking clock of the journey will be helpful for you here.

one question that came to mind was is it one major scene with Ricky, after an initial set up, or multiple scenes?

of course Ricky could commute, or have one off project that requires him to use it a few times, so we could have a few scenes  to build and develop. Like Source Code (ok bit different) when the same scene is replayed now with information from the previous play. here it wouldn't be time loop but similar to the previous scene

ok a few rambles for you and happy to discuss or bat around.

im a big one for planning and this script could be more complicated than initially thought

all the best - love the vibe and setting.

Thanks Bill, that's a lot to think about. And you gave me more.

A story and B story - to keep the reader interested. Thanks for that. That's something to think about.

Sandeep chose to be a conductor and stay with someone labelled as "slow" when he could be anyone else. And he's sticking with it.

But I'm in fact torn here about whose story it is. Ricky also is on the train to see what Sandeep is about, to challenge him. He knows he's the father. He knows that Sandeep has to move forward with his life. So, it's more of a Sandeep's story about Ricky and him. There will be occasional VO from Sandeep (not excessive, like in the Legends of the Fall)- to contribute to atmosphere, and show that it's him reflecting on what the train life means for him.

"Is there a feature in here" - that's a good question. That reinforces the thought that it's the present that should move the story forward, not Sandeep's recollections. And it's important to accept it.

Thanks Bill. Don't want to take that much of your time off from your story. That's a lot of food for thought you gave me here. Yes, it's shaping into a multilayered thing, and seems not to be an easy one.

but you gave me ideas.

Ahoy Kham, I like it, definitely want more out of your synopsis.

Quoted Text I don't want to rely on flashbacks only. I want something to happen in the present.

Ok, consider making it happen early on in your script.

Ricky, from what I'm understanding, methinks he should be your focal point gurl.

Hmmm, have you came up with an initial logline yet? -Andrea