One Last Fix by Mike Shelton - Short, Drama - If you can't trust a heroin addict, who can you trust? 33 pages - pdf, format

Hey everyone,


I wrote this last weekend to try something a little different.    Hope you enjoy it.


Mike

Waaaaay to much cursing in that first scene. Kinda makes it hard to understand what's going on cause' most people will concentrate on the fucks and shits. I will keep reading though...

SPOILER SPACE

*Hundred proof special-classy name, but if Virgil and his boys are beating Franco, I don't think Duane is in position to question what it is.
*The grilled cheese sandwich bit was out of line.  That was something that would work nicely in a comedy, but this sort of thing needs comic relief that doesn't go in that direction.
*The iron burning scene-fantastic, it's always nice to have some burning flesh in a script, but you didn't write any description of Franco until after Virgil burned Duane.
*You should have added some more when Lucius got shot, man!  It's just "gun to head, Lucius falls down."  Need some more meat in there.
*Lucius dies, Virgil apologizes to Duane, and he says "don't worry about it?"  Just a few pages earlier he was trying to hide his brother...
*The last 4 pages were the best part of this script.  Smooth dialogue and a sharp sequence.  The hot sauce...man that's just a horrifying thought.  And you clearly explain it through the internal third degree burns--great shtuff.
*Virgil's character has a sophisticated strangeness to him which worked out pretty nicely.
*Duane reminded me of Seth from "American History X," the hardcore kind of guy who's a complete idiot.  I don't know if that's what you were aiming for, but that's what it came out as.

Overall it was a nice read and breezed by.  I wasn't troubled by the cussing, because I've never actually seen a drug dealer who didn't use excessive language.  Anyway, nice work!

Quoted from greg SPOILER SPACE *Lucius dies, Virgil apologizes to Duane, and he says "don't worry about it?"  Just a few pages earlier he was trying to hide his brother...

Yeah I really went back and forth with leaving this in.  It's more or less supposed to imply that Duane is such a junkie, that even though his brother is dead, he's got his junk and all is right with the world.

I think the grilled cheese thing proves I'm incapable of writing something without going for a laugh somewhere.  Ha Ha.

I'm still working on this one a little bit, and I'll post revisions as they come.

Thanks for the feedback.

Mike,

I enjoyed this one but you're right about comedy creeping into your work. That's not a bad thing though. I think you have a flair for comedic dialogue and situations and it's always best to play to your strengths.

I was reminded of Pulp Fiction in that your dialogue free-flowing and funny, your characters are drug addicts and there is a fair bit of violence.

I think you can afford to be a little more descriptive at times, especially when Lucius gets shot. I also found his brother's reaction a bit strange.

I loved the torture scenes, especially the hot sauce. Man, that's gotta burn.

One problem I had is that there's nobody to really root for. Your characters are entertaining but there wasn't any real reason for us to care what happened to Franco. I realize you're portraying lowlifes here but it'd be nice if Franco had some kind of exterior goal that we could relate to. Is he stealing the drugs for any reason other than greed?

Anyways, I enjoyed it, especially the interaction between the characters.

Quoted from Martin Mike, One problem I had is that there's nobody to really root for. Your characters are entertaining but there wasn't any real reason for us to care what happened to Franco. I realize you're portraying lowlifes here but it'd be nice if Franco had some kind of exterior goal that we could relate to. Is he stealing the drugs for any reason other than greed?

Yeah, I kinda did this on purpose.  Franco is the main character, but I didn't want him to be too likeable, since I wanted Virgil's appereance and the things that he does to be that much more entertaining.  The only shred of goodness in Franco is in his "look to the sky".

I really do need to work on my descriptions.

As always, thanks for the input.

Mike

It was a good script. I really really enjoyed this script. For a few reasons. But then there was some things I disliked... (Rolls Up Sleeves)

LIKES
I like all your characters, and you can imagine things from their backround. Like who they are and what they are.
The dialogue between each person flowed perfectly, and everything seemed to fit in just right. Even though they swore every sentence; which can get distracting. Great dialogue
And suspenseful...

DISLIKES
I don't like how Duane goes from... "You killed my brother!" to... "Oh, it's okay." It didn't seem to make sense.
I'm not trying to be rude but you can see every single event coming before it's happened. Right when I read the dialogue between the latino and the heroin addict you know it is going to be a drug misunderstanding or something like that.
Can you tell me about that air in the needle. I'm confused... They took powder and made it into air...

OVERALL
This was a great script. (Roll sleeves down) Continue writing shorts like this one.

4/5

Brian,

Thanks for the feedback.  Basically, the whole thing with Duane is to show how much of a junkie he really is.  He's angry that his brother is dead, but once Virgil gives him the drugs he may as well be his best friend.

The air in the needle is just air.  There never was powder.  Next time you happen to catch a show like ER on tv watch how they squeeze the needle first to make sure they got all of the air out, because frankly air is VERY bad in the bloodstream.

I'm working on something else right now, and it should be posted soon.

Thanks again,

Mike

Hey. Enjoyed the script. Especially the dialouge. Very true to life stuff. You should definitly keep up the good work.

Anth

So, this one is a real departure from your straight-up comedy stuff, isn't it?  This is pretty good -- not my favorite of yours, as it could be better -- but still good.

I have read through the previous posts, and echo a few of their comments.  And what's up with Greg stealing my "star-point" review format.  Hmm.  Might have to have a few words with that boy...

(SPOILERS)

*  The grilled cheese is fine.  By all means, keep it, but with some modification.  As you have it now, the sandwich is done, like, instantly, and we have no idea how he has cooked it.  Describe him pressing the sandwich (that's how I saw it), and cooking it throughout the scene.  There is no reason it has to be done within seconds.  Stretch it out.
*  I did find the singing Mob Boss a little o'er the top, though.  It seemed out of character, and you picked the wrong lyrics, anyway.  If you want to keep this, it seems obvious that it should play out like this:  "Fish don't fry in the kitchen..." (one leg -- Ssss.....), "...beans don't burn on the grill" (and the other leg -- Sssss.....).  How's that   ?
*  "Duane Train.  Woo woo."  That's beautiful.  You really have a way with dialogue that makes it look so easy.  Makes me jealous, actually.
*  I found it odd that Lenny would know right away what "triple x" meant.  The first thing that sprang to mind for me was porno.  I mean, surely that's not just me, right...?

So, at the end, I am in complete agreement with previous posters that we need a central hero in this story.  We don't have to like him, but the things going on in this story carry less punch if we don't really care about him.  I think what you got from D.S., about giving him some reason that he must have this money, something humanizing and sympathetic, is just what this story needs.  

Hey Bert,

Thanks a bunch for taking a look at this, and for the feedback as well.

Quoted from bert *  The grilled cheese is fine.  By all means, keep it, but with some modification.  As you have it now, the sandwich is done, like, instantly, and we have no idea how he has cooked it.  Describe him pressing the sandwich (that's how I saw it), and cooking it throughout the scene.  There is no reason it has to be done within seconds.  Stretch it out.

When I originally conceived this, Duane wasn't supposed to come into the room and use the iron on his cheese sandwich until AFTER it was used on Franco.  I ended up thinking that may be a little too disgusting though.

Quoted from bert *  I did find the singing Mob Boss a little o'er the top, though.  It seemed out of character, and you picked the wrong lyrics, anyway.  If you want to keep this, it seems obvious that it should play out like this:  "Fish don't fry in the kitchen..." (one leg -- Ssss.....), "...beans don't burn on the grill" (and the other leg -- Sssss.....).  How's that   ?

I can't believe I completely missed that!  You're idea is so much better than mine.  Going forward, I will sing the entire song before committing to anything.

Quoted from bert *  "Duane Train.  Woo woo."  That's beautiful.  You really have a way with dialogue that makes it look so easy.  Makes me jealous, actually.

I think I need to collaborate with a descriptive writer.  I truly enjoy writing dialogue, but my descriptions are always, always, always lacking.

Quoted from bert *  I found it odd that Lenny would know right away what "triple x" meant.  The first thing that sprang to mind for me was porno.  I mean, surely that's not just me, right...?

Really?  I tried to make it seem like Lenny spends a great deal of time at Franco's, so he woul dknow what's in the fridge.

Quoted from bert *  So, at the end, I am in complete agreement with previous posters that we need a central hero in this story.  We don't have to like him, but the things going on in this story carry less punch if we don't really care about him.  I think what you got from D.S., about giving him some reason that he must have this money, something humanizing and sympathetic, is just what this story needs.

Yeah, that makes sense.  I actually turned in another short a few days ago called 'High Stakes'.  I tried to give the central character a little backstory/purpose, so hopefully I can keep learning from my mistakes, and applying them to future works.

Thanks again,

Mike

Sorry it took me so long, I'm slow with reviews. Some spoilers within because I always have to give away things just for those people who don't listen when others say spoilers.






Two men sit a table in the center of the room breaking up large bags of heroin into smaller bags. – at a table.

The descriptions in this scene are wrong; you need to capitalize character names when they first arrive. Also Lenny needs to be the same.

What kind of research did you do here, I mean really or did you just slap it together based on television stereotypes? Just a simple question.

You said the N word, the one word that I dare not to speak. Wow that was a long build up but somehow I seen it coming and since you put it into the mouth of a Rican it lessens the blow if you will.

Okay wait a minute; they use a silencer for the gun but nothing to keep Franco from screaming really loud? That seems to defeat the point I think. Why don’t you have Virgil turn on the song you mentioned or something so that one of the two events don’t seem pointless. Later on our "hero" of the story says he doesn't want Duane to scream because somebody might hear which is pointless unless that earlier scene is edited.

Could someone realistically speaking really talk or in a rational manner after the trauma he encounters? They’d be screaming for days and crying in pain, not say I just wanted out of this life.

You must have taken influence from the film Empire, good film and really gritty at times. Like if Scarface was to live he’d want out of the business eventually.

It’s gonna give Duane his one last fix. – The pay off and I hate it ha-ha. Take out his and it has more of a pop or after the first sentence just have him say One Last Fix. You don’t need the rest of the dialogue for it to work.

It’s a page turner that you should adapt into a full length script or do a full length script like this with a larger story. You could even sell a full length version if you can duplicate the experience.

Very few problems to speak of, well written and an enjoyable overall read. Well done.

Hey Mike, may I say bravo sir, bravo. This script pleased me, and tickled me with laughter at a few parts. Especially the druggie which absolutely cracked me up. Anyways, here is my review.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS

So, Duane is pretty hilarious. I think the dialogue between him and Franco is great and flows nicely just like it should. When the Virgil guy comes in with his henchman the dialogue kept moving.

You've got great descriptions, that were playing the script in my mind as I read. Not too many scripts can do that.

The torture scene was gruesomely cool, and I was shivering at the thought of the pain he was going through at that time, and yet he still kept himself calm throughout the whole thing.

One thing I didn't like was how Luscious walks in and gets shot without saying too much, and we don't get too much back round on him either. I don't think even an addict would kill their own brother for just one hit. Despite how high he could've been or how much he needed a fix it still doesn't matter. I'm not sure what it is like to be a druggie though.

I like your ending as well as everything else except Luscious' death.

Thank you for providing a great short script Mike.

Jimbo

Mike I read as I drinking a vodka then I don't sure what makes me drunk whether was the vodka or you story format! Man what happened with it?! Was It  an old script that you pick up to show the guy that was looking for a script then why it wasn't properly formated? The paragraphs, gosh!

So, ther are good lines on it anyway: "He puts his sandwich flat on the table, pick up the iron and begins pressing it down on the sandwich - The sandwich sizzles as it cooks." best scene for me!

one more good work from you!

PS: Dictionary to me please! "mullingjeans" -muthafucka'" fuckin'" Do all this means f*****ng in Polish?