Some format and general comments on the first 15 pages:
p. 1
Quoted Text Just above the fence, a completely black face with malevolent red-pupiled eyes pops up. |
I see what you did here with the hat, but it was confusing and slowed the read. I pictured someone in black face. I don't think you need it.
Should be (O.S.)
Quoted Text Next door, Jack disappears as he steps down. |
You don’t even need this.
Again, (O.S.)
Good first scene! I like the tension between the two, and the way it ends.
p. 4
Quoted Text Two BOYS, ages 8 or 9, sit in a small rowboat on the calm lake, near the shore. |
Well, is it 8 or 9? Also, since you name them in the following dialogue, go ahead and tell us their names now.
Ex: PERRY (8) and JASON (9) sit in a small rowboat on the calm
lake, near the shore.
Why is he saying this? Is he prompting Jason to do something? You don’t tell us what the boys are doing.
p. 6
Another green box appears on-screen as Jack stands.
Not sure what the relevance is. Does the box indicate something?
p. 7
Quoted Text Jack absently pets a cactus plant on his desk. |
This seems out of character.
p. 8
Quoted Text Jack goes into the kitchen and fusses with the blender. |
If we follow Jack into the kitchen, you need a new scene heading. If we don’t, dialogue will be (O.S.)
Quoted Text EXT. DONNELLY ROOF - NIGHT Lina looks up and behind, from her bedroom window. A collapsible ladder stretches from the window to the roof. |
Your scene heading has us on a roof, then we are at Lina looking out her window. It’s awkward.
Quoted Text BOB Shhh! They’re out there! Jackie, Raggedy Ann and Andy. LINA You mean Candy and Randy? BOB Whatever. |
Funny
p. 9
Quoted Text EXT. DONNELLY DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS Bob hangs from the basketball hoop above the garage, |
He would have swished only if he had gone through it.
I read the first 15 pages. The main issues are that I am not really sure who our main character is. I'm assuming Jack is, but he hasn't drawn me in as a main should. He's almost likable, but not quite.
I guess the inciting incident is the loss of the pod thing in the lake, but I don't see danger yet. Or is it the approaching space object (that scene was a little long, btw).
Many scripts on this site could take a lesson from you on quick scenes and snappy dialogue. For the most part, you get in and out of your scenes really well. There is a lot of sexual subtext going on that I found well done and humorous.
And I hate to pile on, but the logline is terrible. There's no mention of a main character, and that's why we're all here. I hope the rest of the script brings payoff for the strange title. I am also struggling with it, as it sounds too sci-fi for a comedy.