The noir tag caught my attention. I have a soft spot for this genre, and feel it has been criminally underused in recent years. So, I gave the first 10 pages a go. I'll start with the goods.
Right off the bat, I enjoyed the opening. It's eerie and mysterious and paints a good picture. And that's the other thing that I like. You have an emphasis on color in the script(that I assume is going to be important to the story) that gives off a graphic novel type vibe. Have you considered this avenue for the story?
Now, here's some feedback on things I picked up on that could use some tweaking. Overall, your writing is pretty good. As I said, you paint a good picture. The downside to that is, it's overwritten for a screenplay.
Quoted Text EXT. PARK - DAY A man in his early thirties, WOLF, rugged good looks, black hair, unshaven, dark suit, walks through the grass and bushes of a park and reaches an empty bench. He watches as some joggers run past and then looks at his watch. A man in his early fifties, NIKOS, puffy cheeks, balding hairline, sits on the same bench holding on to a newspaper and a sandwich. He takes a bite from the sandwich and opens the newspaper in front of him to read. |
That's a big block of text without any breakage. Try something along the lines of:
"WOLF - 30s's. Rugged good looks matching his name, dressed sharply in black - approaches an empty bench and sits.
JOGGERS run past and he looks from them to his watch.
NIKOS - 50's and puffy - approaches and sits on the other side of the bench, newspaper and sandwich in hand. He takes a bite from the sandwich and opens the paper. "
This is one example, and I caught several. Breaks help the flow of the read and prevent it from appearing too wordy and overwritten.
Quoted Text Amber is walking along a pavement |
Amber walks along the pavement.
Or even, "Amber passes a produce display and stops to peruse the fruit."
Quoted Text Wolf is hiding across the street from the motel. He takes out black leather gloves and wears them. |
Wolf hides across the street. He puts on black leather gloves.
Things like that. Just little tweaks that go a long way. I'd punch up your dialogue a bit, too. I noticed some punctuation errors and some of it is a little stilted. Again, just some minor tweaks needed.
Overall, from what I gathered of the first 10 pages, you've done well, and this really has potential. Don't stop now!