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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Comedy Scripts  /  You Are Here
Posted by: Don, April 21st, 2004, 11:02am
You Are Here by smackmy-garden-ho - Comedy - In 1770 Spanish Missionaries came to southern California to bring the mercy of Christianity to the "Savages". 234 years later a new kind of savage needs converting: THE AMERICAN CONSUMER.    With only 23 shopping days until Christmas, Jonathan is dumped by his evangelical girlfriend. He is left to wander aimlessly through his unquestioned life. When strange religious miracles begin happening at the shopping mall where Jonathan works he begins to ask questions, but get's all the wrong answers. - pdf format.

Script Removed
Posted by: smackmyho (Guest), April 21st, 2004, 12:07pm; Reply: 1
That was fast!
Thanks Don.
Hope it's worthy.

Why don' I get one of those nifty little "NEW" stickers next to my script?
I feel a little jipped, but that's ok.
Posted by: mikehill1215, April 21st, 2004, 2:52pm; Reply: 2
Wow, I'm impressed.  No offense to other writers, but this script is of much higher quality than most of what's posted here.  Good job!  The characters were engrossing and the comedy was genuine.  I kinda' felt like it was - office space meets mall rats.  This script definetly has potential,  my only criticism would be it's length, 122 pages.  Admittedly I have a problem with this too, I always shoot for 90 pages but end up with 120.  Anyway good luck, I really think you have something here.  I would really appreciate your comments on my script (fate of jenna) just posted under the drama page.  Thanks! 

Mike
Posted by: the goose, April 21st, 2004, 3:30pm; Reply: 3
122 pages would be two hours and two mins. decent length.
Posted by: smackmyho (Guest), April 21st, 2004, 4:06pm; Reply: 4
Mike,
Thanks a lot!

You are write about the length. I'd like to shave six or seven pages.
I'll check out your script soon.

I like the Office Space comparison..not crazy about mall rats. I was shooting for more of a What's Eating Gilbert Grape tone.

Thanks again for the encouragement.

BTW: I am not completely satisfied with the ending...did it work for you?
Posted by: mikehill1215, April 21st, 2004, 8:50pm; Reply: 5
Okay...just finsished reading the entire script.  Once again I commend you on the quality.  To answer your question...I think the ending is fine, it's tight and fits the flow of the story...in short, I buy it.  One thing I would like to see is what happened to LIZA and KEVIN.

Some comments...I like the way Greg slowly morphs into "DOC"  but I'd take it a bit farther.  When it's snowing, why not have him standing outside with the white snow falling on his messed hair giving him the apperance of "DOCS" crazy white hair...also you may want to work in a bit where he doesn't have snow shoes but finds a pair of yellow rain boots to put on...this would complete the look.

Like I wrote in my earlier post, trim it down as much as you can-  the closer you can get it to 90 pages the better chance you'll have of someone (in the biz) reading it.

Great Job...

Mike


Posted by: smackmyho (Guest), April 21st, 2004, 9:46pm; Reply: 6
That's kind of funny...I'll think about it.
Posted by: smackmyho (Guest), April 22nd, 2004, 8:08pm; Reply: 7
Where's "THE FATE OF JENNA" Script?
Posted by: smackmyho (Guest), April 23rd, 2004, 10:33am; Reply: 8
I think my script is more Drama than Comedy...It's fine if it is in the Comedy section though.

I'd still like one if those FANCY SMANCY "NEW" stickers next to it!
Posted by: Old Time Wesley, April 23rd, 2004, 2:07pm; Reply: 9
Well that drama comedy factor can hurt you, When I want to read something I look at the genre in this case comedy and if your screenplay isn't funny than that's half the reason it would get a bad review.

It's misleading

Horror on paper is not scary, mostly it's laughable but comedy should work either way
Posted by: smackmyho (Guest), April 23rd, 2004, 2:12pm; Reply: 10
I think it is funny.
There are comedic elements, but not slapstick...they mostly stem from situations and charcters, so I'm fine with it being labeled as comedy.
Posted by: Old Time Wesley, April 23rd, 2004, 2:20pm; Reply: 11
Well we will see, comedy you expect laughs every second that's the point I was making. I don't expect nothing much but usually that what a comedy gives

I didn't really find the beginning funny, the beginning was good but not comedic

I'll start reading it sometime today
Posted by: smackmyho (Guest), April 23rd, 2004, 2:23pm; Reply: 12
Comedy is not always a LAUGH a minute...

SEE SOME OF WOODY ALLEN's films

Or

ELECTION with Matthew Broderick.


WOOOO HOOOO I got a "NEW" Sticker!!!! Thanks DON!
Posted by: Old Time Wesley, April 23rd, 2004, 2:53pm; Reply: 13
Well Election, we have it somewhere around here and I'll check it out sometime soon just to see if it's even an enjoyable experience. Woody Allen well I'm not really into him but from the tv appearances I've seen him in he doesn't seem to be very funny

Comedy doesn't have to be but Election isn't just a Comedy, if you look at todays films like American Pie they tried to be laugh a minute and well it's win or lose and I'll leave the rest up to you to think about

But if the parts that you do think are funny and you tried to hard to make it funny that will show and it wont be funny, have fun with comedy or else it's not funny.
Posted by: smackmyho (Guest), April 23rd, 2004, 2:55pm; Reply: 14
Just read it...geesh!
Posted by: Old Time Wesley, April 23rd, 2004, 2:57pm; Reply: 15
In do time, good things come to those who wait
Posted by: smackmyho (Guest), April 23rd, 2004, 3:02pm; Reply: 16
DUE TIME! DUE TIME!
Geesh your post are hard to read!
C'mon Wes' I know you can do better than that...are you just getting lazy?
Posted by: Old Time Wesley, April 23rd, 2004, 6:44pm; Reply: 17
I'm not sure what you mean but yeah that's also a factor. Though when haven't I been lazy?

Too add - In your action sequence in the beginning, is that your own style? I've never seen it used for action before, it actually makes it easier to read who is doing what at that exact moment
Posted by: smackmyho (Guest), April 24th, 2004, 12:18pm; Reply: 18
I'm glad it reads well, but I'm not sure it is "TECHNICALLY" correct. I'm thinking of changing it though just to save some lines and cut to 120 pages.

I think this kind of format works for pacing action and chases etc that might come a little later in scripts.

I'm not sure it's needed in the opening.
Posted by: Old Time Wesley, April 24th, 2004, 4:51pm; Reply: 19
Well it is probably not a correct format for action sequences or whatever but I think it could be because it makes it so easy to read and understand what everyone is doing, if you read the screenplay for lord of The Rings FOTR with the scene where boromir dies it's not all that descriptive on the other characters but yours is to the next degree

I'll stop going on, I'll probably be able to finish the full script if you can wait soon because I should finally be getting my own personal computer and than I can read a lot more of these screenplays and write huge reviews
Posted by: smackmyho (Guest), April 26th, 2004, 9:46pm; Reply: 20
I need to come up with a short synopsis of the script for a contest application.

Little help?

Here is what I have (and I don't like it):

Jonathan Cole lives an unremarkable life in an unremarkable southern california suburb. When his girlfriend dumps him for Jesus he goes soul searching. He doesn't have to search very long or very far when a strange religious image appears at the shopping mall where he works. The whole town is thrown into a spiritual and consumer frenzy leaving Jonathan to sort it all out.

If you've read the script and have suggestions let me know.
Posted by: smackmyho (Guest), April 29th, 2004, 2:13pm; Reply: 21
Some others I am considering:

The story of the remarkable events that happens to an unremarkable California suburb when strange religious image appears in the local mall and residents must choose betwwen shopping or praying.



When strange religious miracles begin happening at southern california shopping mall The whole town is thrown into a spiritual and shopping frenzy.




Just before Christmas , Jonathan is dumped by his evangelical girlfriend. he is left to wander aimlessly through his unquestioned life. When a strange vision appears at a shopping mall Jonathan begins to ask questions, but get's all the wrong answers

Posted by: smackmyho (Guest), May 22nd, 2004, 12:15pm; Reply: 22
Here are some recent reviews of YOU ARE HERE:

"I read it and when I finished it was done"
- Paul Hewson, Dentists Weekly -

"This script has a lot of words and most of them English"
- Piper Pupe, Squirrel Lovers Monthly

"You Are Here won't cause you to change your life, but it will cause you to change your air freshener"
- Jack Jill, Calcutta Daily News -

"Has anyone seen my car keys?" - Miffy the Magician

"Anyone who loves perfectly placed page numbers will fall in love with this script" - Ms. Word, Spellcheckers Forum

"A story with characters who are involved in a story that has characters"
- Joe Joe, Renduncy press.

"I like pie" - Oprah Winfrey

"I have read a lot of scripts and this was one of them" - Sven Gali, High Colonic News.

Check it out for yourselves  

YOU ARE HERE
http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/urhere-4-16.pdf
Posted by: Jason Byram, May 22nd, 2004, 5:52pm; Reply: 23
Are those what you call bad reviews? I'm sorry I didn't get them.

Is your script a movie or something cuz how'd you get all those reviews, especially the Oprah Winfrey one.
Posted by: smackmyho (Guest), May 22nd, 2004, 6:22pm; Reply: 24
Oh, Jayson my young friend how you make me yearn for my lost youth.

Just having some fun.
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