Bloody Mary by Tanner Murray - Short, Horror - Based upon a short story by Stefan Dziemianiwicz, Bloody Mary is about A teenager named Ross, who is in the middle of throwing one of the worst Halloween Parties his friends have ever been to, is dared to say Bloody Mary 5 times in front of a Mirror so the Devil can appear. - doc format.

Script Removed by Request

The idea of Bloody Mary being turned into a script is good, but no offense I just didn't care for your draft, it was too short, too much dialogue that wasn't needed and you didn't develop the characters.

If I were you I would rewrite it using courier 11.

I'm going to read this now... I've always been interested in the concept behind bloody marry and since candyman sort of assed it all up... well... I um... kinda lost interest.

I'll give you a full review after I'm done.

BALt.

Not bad. I've always liked the Blood Mary ledged, it's one of my favorites (right up there with the Hitch hiker and the person in the back seat of the car). This just didn't feel quite right. The dialogue is a little too rigid.

Quoted Text ROSS It is ten o'clock and there is no school tomorrow I can stay up for as long as I want.

This could probably be more like this:

Quoted Text ROSS It's ten, and there's no school tomorrow so I can stay up as long as I want.

I also noticed that the format was a bit funky. Normally I don't pick at this too much, but I noticed here that there are cases when there is no space between lines, or too many. Probably lost when you saved it, my computer does that sometimes.

Also, six pages seems too long to wait for things to really start up when it's only ten pages. Maybe if you trim down the dialogue a bit (use a bit more slang, that sort of thing) you can bring it down to a trimmer, faster 7 or 8 pages.

It's nice though. A good place to start from.

Alright... I'm finally reading it and here is what I think of it...

1st -- Use slang, it's killing me! IT IS only 11 o'clock  and there IS no school tomorrow. It doesn't fly with me. I hate reading stiff material. also, the dialouge in the off set is really lame "WACKY"????? C'mon...

2nd -- Again your use or need therfore to use stiff dialogue is terrible. Stop it with all the formal inklings. IT's is perfectly alright to use.

3rd -- What the hell does drunk and hurling mean? And why did they blame it on the candy? Your dialouge is really rough. It's really in dire need of work.

4th -- Why did Jonathan blow a HUGE RASBERY? What does that mean? Also, the story was... rather quick. Couldn't you have extended her reading a bit more. It seems like they came in and as soon as they did, she was shutting the book. WOW! What fun.

5th -- "JOHNATHAN: I certainly don't want any of this sort in mirror that dawns over me every day." I don't understand this at all.

6th -- You started the credits like 6 pages into a short story... that doesn't work. You can't do that, when you short it only 10 pages or less. What gives here?

7th -- You forced this "FIGURE" on us it seems. Why did you force us to hear what happened 20 minutes ago? That is lame.

8th -- I'm not for sure here... I could be wrong here when I say this, but... I take it the "FIGURE" likes the windpipe or you like the way it sounds.

9th -- I don't get it.

---------------------

So it was Jonathin or the devil? Why did he say the planet? That was lame.

I liked the story, it could be better... I think you need to re-write it -- use slang, use less descriptions, use less verbal spitter spatter and take out your title 6 pages into the movie.

I also think you need to sum up who jonathin is a bit more... alot of folks "myself" included are gonna be left in the dark on all of this. Why did he do it? What was he doing all that time in the bedroom alone? Why didn't they ever check on him?

You have more plot holes in 10 pages than I've seen in an entire Friday the 13th movie.

Again, I like the story... you just really need to work on it. Flesh it out a bit, make it a little more.... I felt like I got only half of a story here, and I came in 90 minutes to late. That's just me though.

Good luck on whatever you do in the future. I'll be looking out for more of your work.

I like the idea of tackling the legend, been down this very road myself, sometime ago,  had much of the same problems with the dialogue as the other guys, but the thing that got me is the reveal.  It's not a bad script, don't get me wrong, but the reveal ending...maybe I've just seen it too much, just didn't float with me.

you really need to work on your dialogue. Ty reading it aloud and you'll see what I mean. It's incredibly rigid and feels very unnatural. This isn't how people speak in real life. Try listening to conversations and making notes. People generally don't speak in complete sentences and who actually says "there is" or "it is" ?