Dysfunction by Sean Nicholas Hawker - Short, Horror - Sid is having a tough day. He's been expelled from school, left to babysit his little sister, and still has to bury his father in the garden before mom gets home.  14 pages - doc, format 8)

I'm reading this as I write this... like always with my reviews...

1st though, I just want you to know that this story to me seemed very basic and run of the mill. I simply didn't want to give it a chance, but then I started to read the 1st 3 lines of it and well... it got me goin'.

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I am simply in love with the way you write. It's smart... it's witty... it's fantastic and above all else pro-level. You describe it as if we are right there in the room. I really feel like this is one of a kind here on the boards.

I do however have to give you flack for the fact you are using paragraphs for descriptions and not the less is better aproach of 3 to 4 lines a piece. I think you are a novelist at heart though... so don't fret this remark.

I love the way you open this sucker up. I really have an attachment to the voice. Great stuff...

I don't like the whole CATCHER IN THE RYE crap however... it's to cliched. they over use this refference in everything and though it has relevence in your story, it actually distracts and takes away from the overall picture, for me anyway... I simply do not like the book though.

When using the elipse "and I use it all the time for pauses" always space before and after it. Though, you can get away with only 1 space, you need the space in there. for instance, do it like this... and then... this... it's always much easier to read and it's actually how they teach you to use it.  Side note, they want you to use it instead of the "BEAT" or "PAUSE" the elipse and the dash are both used for pause or hesitation representation.

I like your interlude of dialouge, it's fantastic, however... alot of the inbetween dialouge is a bit rough. Not ever stale, but a little rough. You do manage to pull the spots up with something quippy though. something interesting. So, overall I even can't complain here.

I like the graphic nature of the fathers death... it's very abstract in the way he dies, very sudden and those are always the scenes that leave you with something. Something that sticks with you for days, sometimes forever. Case in point, the scene in 2000 maniacs, when they lop the girls arm off or when they roll the man donw the hill in the barrel... something shocking and something unsettiling at the sametime.

Denver's scene with Sid is great... pop culture at its best. I love your dialouge between the two. It made you really understand and even relate to both of them more. This is a scene where you have to step back and say, wow, at...

I think, and this could just be me, that you rushed it towards the end. I think your explanation of MOTHER and ANGLE should have been better contrived. I simply love the way you ended it with the same sour note you began it. The mood was high and it stuck with you.

I like the symbolistic way you said "We can just go back and bury our mistakes" then you see the last shovle of dirt hit the camera... that's a powerful moment there.

However, in the end... your short story was just that... a short story. I think that the characters needed something more behind them and that the relationship between Denver and SId should have been laid out better.

I think the Father was kinda vauge and the mother even more so. I'd like to think that it'd be best this way though... I don't really wanna know to much about the group, cause it'd take away from the mystic nature of them. Kinda like when you saw JASON without his mask for the 1st time... you didn't really like him no more. Or the time when KANE de-masked himself on live TV and you never watched wrestling again. "well in my case anyways"

So... I think that your story is great. I love your writing... it's a little long in the decsriptions, but it's never bad. I think that you should extend this story to 30 pages however and give us some more to chew on.

As it is... I'd give it a 7 out of 10

story -- 10
dialouge -- 6
characters -- 5
writting -- 10
format -- 8

Good job and keep it up...

Balt...

Great story quite twisted i liked it. keep up the good writing.

hey,

Just took a read of your story. While i think the imagery you conjure up is quite evocative, on a story level it doesn't work quite as well. First of all you create no suspense, yes it's a short story but you depict your characters so broadly that any suspense is taken out of the equation. The story is also very linear, and the dialogue more often than not a little stodgy and on the nose. However you do manage to create a couple of statling images- however as a horror movie man, i just wasn't scared.

Ok right off the bat I have to say your story is solid. You kept me engaged. At first thought the title doesn't work. Yeah I know its about a dysfunctional family, but not directly. It is more about a mom who is whacked out as the son. The title should represent the story better. Let see... how about.... YES MOMMY.

Anyway just a thought. Also, your descriptions seem a bit literary. Meaning they need to be a bit more stacco.

Two thumbs up for a great script.

Spencer

I'll just keep it short and sweet. The script was great. Very enjoyable as a short. The dialogue was good and for some reason I couldn't help but put on a very deep British accent on those voiceovers. Not sure why seeing as it's obviously American with the "dudes" and what not. Plus, I'm already British... figure that one out :).

Anywho, great script you have there. Very twisted yet wonderfully put together. Nice work Sean :D.

I'm keeping mine short and sweet as well. It was a nice short, kind of disturbing to me. I liked it, and I hope to read more of your work on the site if you're even around anymore.

heya
good script
very very similar to the "all in the family" short story by brian warner (marilyn manson) i wonder if you've read it?
dialogue was well written, characters well developed.. and being atheist i love when he told the priest to fuck his mother.
nice work,
muchlove, jayden :)

Digging out a 4-year old thread - one that hasn't seen the light of day for over 2 years - is a big no-no around here. Especially one where the writer's obviously not around since he hasn't replied to any of the other posts (so why bother?).

Check out this thread "Why was my review deleted" before posting.