Within Darkness by Adam Johnson - Drama, Action - In a city of darkness, Dylan Dandridge was a hero. Now, as he stalks through the cold nights, he discovers that in this city, it is the fearsome face of human darkness that becomes most visible in the night. - htm, format 8)

Thanks for finally getting this up, Donny.

Yes, this script TECHNICALLY is a sequel to "Adrenaline" Although, I hate calling it that. Its a very stand-alone script, with only one or two references to "Adrenaline" at all. You could read this script without ever reading "adrenaline" and be perfectly fine.


I would like all the feedback possible. Please, tear it up boys.

I said it before (on another board, heh), and I'll say it again: very, very good.  From the looks of the boards here, not a lot of scripts get read.  Anybody skimming the page should read this one.

I want to start off my critique with what may seem like a little typo, but something that would cause any agent to toss the script in the trash.

On the top of page one, the second line reads:

EXT.  NEW YOUR CITY SKYLINE - NIGHT - RAIN

'New Your?'

To have such a blatant mistake will kill your chance of getting read.  Don't rely on spellchecks, especially with scripts.  And if you have a gramma checker, shut it off.

From the pages that I read (I didn't read the entire script), I found several problems:

In regarding to the story, in eleven pages we see the hero (doing superhero stuff) for about fifteen seconds.  Introduce him and introduce him in a big way.  IN the first Batman movie, you have Batman fighting to muggers followed by the phrase, "I'm Batman!"  That scene has a lot of impact.  Your introduction of the character does not.

In regards to direction you wrote, you're very wordy and very artsy.  On page one, you use the phrase, "but no area is safe from all the creeping shadows." One page four, you write, "The wreck is bad, but it could have been a lot worse."  On page six, you describe Dylan as "Yet he is not frail like a man of any age, with his years have brought, strength and a figure carved of stone...proving his years as a gym-junkie."

The direction should decribe what the camera sees, not how a person feels or a comparative situation.  Rather than say that Dylan's a gym-junkie, have him walk past his very expensive home gymnasium with an overloaded weight bench.  Then again, describing a body with rippling muscles would be enough.

Another problem with direction is that you tend to use scene headings too much.  On page four alone, you use them three times to show in the car, out of the car and in the car again.  You only use headings at the beginning of each scene, not each camera shot.

Onto the characters:  none of them really stick out.  In order for them to do you, the reader/viewer has to like or hate them.  I don't feel anything for any of them.  Murdock's character does nothing for me.  I'm not sure what role he'll play later in the story.  

Your dialogue is good.  Your script is the first one I've read where the characters don't talk gramatically correct.  For some reason everyone's characters talk like they're out of Bible plays.

Some other points I want to pick on.  The family sedan will stay a family sedan.  After the first mention, it's a car.

You can call Dylan Dandridge by name, rather than the figure in black.  It's easier to read.

I had a big problem with the press conference.  These are usually held by mayor.  Instead, you have the chief of police and Detective Murdock talking to the press as if they were.  I don't even see why there was a press conference over the incident.  There's more important matters for the cops to deal with than to talk to the press each time something happens.

Hope this helps.


Phil

My biggest recommendations for "Within Darkness" is to cut down on your direction and to give Dylan a grander entrance.

Quoted from dogglebe, posted October 21st, 2004, 9:23pm at here EXT.  NEW YOUR CITY SKYLINE - NIGHT - RAIN 'New Your?'

Oh, my. That is so uncharqacteristic of me. I havent even LOOKED through the script yet, this is a pure first draft.

Quoted Text In regarding to the story, in eleven pages we see the hero (doing superhero stuff) for about fifteen seconds.  Introduce him and introduce him in a big way.  IN the first Batman movie, you have Batman fighting to muggers followed by the phrase, "I'm Batman!"  That scene has a lot of impact.  Your introduction of the character does not.

I think you've misunderstood something. I think if you read on, youll understand much better. Dylan isnt Batman. Dylan isnt Spiderman. Or any of thoise oterh superheroes. This isnt that kind of script. Dylans entrance isnt grand because he himself isnt grand. Besiders the ending battle, this is the most 'heroic' hing DD does throughout the entire script. So, in that regard, it IS grand.

About the name switches - When Dylan is in costume hes nt Dylan anymore, and thats most of the time. I still call him Dylan some of the time, but when hes in costumne hes the man in black. Just like in Halloween, Michael is never called michael, simply 'the shape.'

Quoted Text In regards to direction you wrote, you're very wordy and very artsy.  On page one, you use the phrase, "but no area is safe from all the creeping shadows." One page four, you write, "The wreck is bad, but it could have been a lot worse."  On page six, you describe Dylan as "Yet he is not frail like a man of any age, with his years have brought, strength and a figure carved of stone...proving his years as a gym-junkie."

I know my first drafts are wordy. I just go with it. I clean it up alot later. And I already noticed the weird slugline with the car, the effects of copying and pasting a scene around a bit.


With what else you said,. I think you should read the rest. I'm not saying your wrong, and obviously I value all opinions, but the characters will stick out more once you actually see ALL of the characters. Nobody has depth if you only read a few pages. And a big thing about the script is how little each of the characters come out at a time. You get most of it near the end.

Quoted from Adam Johnson, posted October 21st, 2004, 10:37pm at here With what else you said,. I think you should read the rest. I'm not saying your wrong, and obviously I value all opinions, but the characters will stick out more once you actually see ALL of the characters. Nobody has depth if you only read a few pages. And a big thing about the script is how little each of the characters come out at a time. You get most of it near the end.

While it's true that your characters can't be fully developed in the first few pages, if you don't grab the reader in these pages, ,you're going to lose them.  If an agent is bored with the first few pages (and I'm saying this as a general statement), he is not going to want to read the next hundred.  You have to give people reason to turn the page.  Saying, "It' gets better," isn't enough.


Phil

Thanks guys for all your input so far. Im still working hard to make this my best script yet.

Would anyone else like to take a shot at it? Any review is a good review, I say.And Im always greedy for more.

But, again, thanks to all who have responded so far. Im already incorporating the changes

Theres actually a new draft online, I was hoping you could all take a quick gander at it. I think alot of the 'issues' were fixed.