Afterlife by James Anthony McSloy - Horror - Alex was a typical teenager until his world was turned upside down when he was bitten by a vampire. Now Alex must learn to live as a creature of the night. - htm, format 8)

To anyone who reads this script please post and tell me what you thought of it. Thanks

Anthony McSloy

It was pretty good. I can imagine it on screen when I read it, so your description's good.

Remeber this is but one person's thoughts. Use what you can and ignore the rest.

CHARACTERS: You've created characters with back story. Good. But they could use a better set-up. Why was Alex acting weird, according to the fight he had with his parents? Why was he fighting with his girlfriend, why did they break up? Good back story, but nothing to explain it.

What might be interesting is if Alex is addicted to drugs. So he becomes a vampire with a new drug – blood. But he's not willing to kill, he's not willing to give into that addiction. Now we have a character arc and a reason why he's not getting along with his family or girlfriend.

Also, this can be shown at the start of the script, when the boys are drinking beer. Now show them shooting heroin or using crack.

PLOT/STORY: Some interesting beats and moments. They are a beat rough right now. The scenes don't flow smooth from one moment to the next. And some better set-up of moments and back story would strengthen the script.

Good start, and it won't take much to fix it.

DIALOGUE:  You've done a good job establishing what you want your characters to say. Now go back and bury the dialog in subtext. Your characters often say what they mean, when in reality we often don't say what we mean. For instance, if I liked a guy I wouldn't go up and say “I like you.” I might however go up to him and say “You look nice today, that color suits you.”

Characters should also speak in their own voice, syntax and rythym. (Which is easy to say, and tough to do.) All your characters sound the same. Think about a group of characters, for instance, the Queen of England, Miss Piggy, Clark Kent and Captain Jack Sparrow. If they were going to the washroom and discovered they were out of toilet paper how would each of them ask for a new roll? Something tells me what comes out of each of these peoples mouth would be quite different, and that's how characters speak in a different voice. They each have their own agenda, fears, dreams and ways of looking at the world.

Another moment I think is good for subtext in your script is when Daniel says he turned Alex for revenge. I wonder if you can hint in the subtext that Daniel changed Alex because he missed his best friend.

ORIGINALITY: Vampire stories have been done many times, but they continue to appeal.

CINMATIC QUALITY: Done right vampire stories do get made. We do seem to like our vampire stories.

SCENE DESCRIPTION/STRUCTURE: I can picture the script in my head. I can see the locations and character action. Good job.

QUALITY OF WRITING: Good, a bit of work on back story and dialog would make your good writing even better.

OVERALL IMPRESSION: Good start, the characters have back story, but the lead character Alex doesn't seem to have much of a goal.

The action and location description is good. A bit of a rewrite to strengthen character arc, tighten the story, and add subtext to dialog would improve a good script.

Good luck with the rewrite.


THOUGHTS THAT PASSED THROUGH MY HEAD DURING FIRST READ

Tress (tree?)

are Alex (is Alex?)

Daniel, Bo, Leon, approximately what are are they? How do they look suspicious? Is it the Goth goth gear, are they holding a crowbar, smoking a joke?

Direction his was (direction he was?)

If Alex is going to college he doesn't need his parents permission to go out. He's an adult. If he's going to high school, change the word college to high school.

Question:  Why was Alex chosen to survive? To be a vampire? The rest of the boys were killed. I hope you answer this question somewhere in the script.

Whenever possible try not to use “ing” or is. For instance I'd write this sentence as:
Alex sits, his head in his hands, on one of the steps that lead up to the altar. (Words ending and ing and is tend to be passive writing. Whenever possible you want the writing to be active.)

How would 10 year old Alex and Daniel get a high explosive, perhaps dynamite? It's not like you can go to your local store and buy it.

Only Daniel when to juvy, why? Both boys were responsible and I don't know do they send 10 years to juvy for that many years for a prank that went out of control. Seems Alex should spend some time in juvy to then. Daniel could have told his parents, his lawyer that Alex was with him on the day of the big kaboom. I don't buy that there wasn't enough time for Alex to come forward or for Daniel to rat him out. --

-- Unless when the big kaboom went off the boys were knocked unconcious, Daniel hits his head on something hard. Then say Alex comes to, sees Daniel unconcious and runs away. By the time Daniel wakes up from this coma, a coma no one expected him to wake up from, Daniel's been convicted and sent to juvy.

I'd almost take the flashback scene where we see Alex fighting with his parents, to showing the big kaboom and what happened afterwards. What I do really like about the flashback moment, is that way you introduce it. The moment when Alex is bit by Daniel, then the flashback, that flows really smooth. Well done.

I'm a wee bit lost. The scene starts with Alex getting burned by the sun, and now the sequence is over and it's night. You might want to indicate that time has passed, so being nighttime seems more credible.

Question: Why did Bo turn Daniel? What was his motivation? I think the answer to this question might be interesting. Did Daniel help Bo out in juvy, and Bo turned Daniel to say thank you?

Have Daniel show Alex that the bloodlust is strong. Have Daniel crack open that rat, have the blood drip on the ground. Show us as Alex fights the need for blood, and then lose, as he sucks the rat dry.

Nice moment with Daniel, Alex and the rude guy. Shows the different personalities between Daniel and Alex.

Daniel and Alex fight, while Katie watches. A good beat, but I would make Alex weak from loss of blood. Have us see he is at a disadvantage. Let' Daniel beat him up a bit. We like to root for the underdog. Make it look like Alex is going to lose and then somehow he finds the strength or the cunning to beat Daniel and kill him. Right now the fight is too easy for Alex, make him overcome obstacles before he defeats Daniel.

This is a pretty good script.  I liked the dialogue and the subtext, and overall it's a very well-written script and a good concept; it reminded me quite a bit of "The Lost Boys," but it didn't seem like a rip-off or anything like that.  I do have a few suggestions, though.

First, the backstories should be revised and established.  It seems like you start the script about twenty minutes after the title card ran; it'd be a lot more engaging, interesting and believable if you moved some of the scenes around; possibly put the argument between Alex and his parents before he goes out with friends for beer, and show Alex arguing with his girlfriend; we haven't even met her before he gets bitten.  It would be interesting to see how Alex's attitude was before he was bitten towards these issues.  Also, if you add a few scenes before the bite part, I'd advise placing the Goth kids who attack Alex and his friends in a couple of brief, non-speaking forshadowing parts.

Also, as said before, the dialogue could use a bit of spicing up in terms of diversity; the characters sound the same, and it'd be a lot more interesting if the characters had truly unique personalities.  For example, Alex could talk as he does in the original script; the main character should reflect the purpose of the writer, see what I'm saying?  Meanwhile, make Daniel a bit more flamboyant and sarcastic; he seems resentful of Alex, and now that he's exacted his revenge on him my biting him, he should be a bit teasing of Alex, as that was how Alex treated him in the flashback.

All in all, I'd advise you to follow some of the common opinions of people and revise it.  If you follow constructive criticism, you could have a great script on your hands.  Good luck with the rewrite, and I look forward to reading it!

--MP