The Runner by Donald Prokop - Short, Comedy - A restaurant. An indolent runner. A manager. and a special goat. - html, format 8)

The synopsis was irresistible - a special goat?! I thought it had magic powers or something...

The goat doesn't play much of a part but the characters in this script are excellent, even if the whole thing is a little short to tell much of a story. I felt like I missed something before the end. The world of the restaurant is set perfectly. Economical description and dialogue outstanding, with wonderful rhythm and in the slight sadness always hinting at something more than is being said:


                          CHEF
                William's looking for you.

                          MIGUEL
                He's always looking for me.


It seems a little strange for Miguel to carry a small porno book in his apron. Perhaps he can keep it behind the cistern in the cubicle? That makes the bathroon seem like his private refuge rather than a temporary place to hide out. (I nearly wrote 'bunk off' but that didn't sound right in the context). When William counts to three you can have Miguel pull the flush on 'three' as a closer, and keep the line, "Much better."

On the writing itself, there are a number of small errors which you may not notice but detract from the general impression of skilled writing. I didn't understand much of the Spanish.

Common screenplay advice is to cut the parentheticals and in some cases here they are redundant:


                          WILLIAM
                    (searching)
                Were the FUCK ARE MY KEYS.

                          MIGUEL
                    (pleading)
                Please...


I liked the 'DING' used as a marker between scenes. Just a minor point but I was temporarily thrown by Miguel serving salmon to a lady and a man talking at table in consecutive scenes. Of course a different couple, in which case they should have completely different orders for clarity (unless they each made a point of asking about the goat special?) That sequence would work better if in one scene he took the order and in the next served it, perhaps with the orders reversed to illustrate that he doesn't really care.

When I say characters are excellent, I'm thinking of a line like Janine's: "It's my opening" as she pleads for time off. Although she has hardly any other dialogue, you paint a picture of a woman with a life outside the script. Outstanding.

Thanks for taking time to read the script... and writing down your impressions.

I was encouraged by the observation of rhythm. Through the actions at the restaurant I tried to get closer to a character - Miguel.

Slow pull - hit a point -pull out -

I like the idea of having the nudie book hidden in the bathroom. It's where it should be.

The special goat.

I don't think I conveyed it right. While I used the image of a baby goat being carved up and later served - the goat was/is suppose to be Miguel.

His nature prevents him from taking that sacrificial role. That needs to be FLUSHED out more.

Thanks for the feedback.

d