Thunder Hills by Randy Robinson (bare nerve) - Horror - Four college friends are haunted by visions and nightmares after visiting the infamous Thunder Hills. - doc format.

I am the writer of this screenplay. I hope some of you will read the script and give me some honest feedback.

This was the first feature length screenplay I wrote. It was completed at the beginning of 2004.

This may have SPOILERS but i'll try not to.

With how it began you would think that It was a serial killer slasher movie like TCM but then once it got into it the script took a turn to weirdness. It had plenty of WTF!!! moments. It was creepy too. and all the dreams and everything. It was crazy. But the campsite part had me thinking of Blair Witch 2. I like the dream scenes. They reminded me of the Nightmare movies. I had a creepy experience while reading this. When it came to the part where Charlie's dead ex-boyfried appeared in her living room The lights in my house cut off and i couldn't see anything. I actually went to go look in my living room, then the lights cut back on. Power surge i guess. I'm not lying, that actually happened! What was with the ending though? I didn't get it. You never explained what was up with the place (thunder falls) It seems like you just stopped in the middle of the story. I was really into it. When I was reading this I though Charlie was the main character. That's probably because she reminded me of Erin in Tcm. I liked this script. Keep it up. Will there be a sequel?
One thing though, I think you tend to give too much camera direction and I got lost in your descriptions a couple of times and had to re-read a page. But this was cool.
By the way my name is SHAWN! like the creepy guy in your script. thats it!

oh yeah, and I thought it was funny how Charlie always craved pixie sticks. I noticed that all of your characters smoke and drink. Why? Even Amy. Also I noticed that they all have last names from famous horror film directors. And what was with the little boy? Did he suffer the same fate as the characters previously or was he a tuberculosis patient or something? What are some of your other scripts? okay, enough questions.

Hello, Shawn. Thanks for the comments. There be another script written based on Thunder Hills.

(SPOILERS) The story for part two revolves around Amy and her baby. After some weird events she begins to really believe her baby is possessed by the evil from Thunder Hills. This time her worst fears arent being used against her though. She has nightmares and halucinations about the past of the infamous grounds. She is also fighting to save her child.

It seemed as though I stopped in the middle of the story because that was the way I intended. Also, I didnt want the audience to learn to much about the grounds unless the characters did first, so that's why some things were kept hidden. I thought the mystery would have more of a creepy effect then putting everything out in the open would. I could be wrong though - - -

And the reason for all the camera direction is because I had planned to film this Summer of 2004. While I wrote this I would think of ways to film a scene. Many times those thoughts ended up in the script. We had actually started filming but many things fell through and things had to halted. This will still be filmed though. Just with changes made later on.

To answer your questions - -

I made all the characters smoke or drink because I wanted to portray them as real people as much as possible. I really hate when horror films show at least one person who is seemingly perfect (no smoking, no sex, no drinking, etc.). I didnt want these characters like that.

With the last names, I just thought that would be an interesting piece of trivia - lol.

The little boy was the young patient who died when the hospital was still around. His death was result of new experiments and also caused the eventual closing of the hospital. Maybe I didnt explain this as well as I should have.

The only other screenplay that I have on this site is DEMENTIA. It can be located in the shorts section. Nothing supernatural though. With this one its a serial killer.

Oh. Cool. I look forward to reading the sequel.

Does anyone else have any feedback? I am really looking foward to reading what others think of the script.

Hey Bare,

I havent read much but from what i did, i jsut weant to point one thing out:

You seem to describe the characters too much in the beginning of the script. I've lurked around many a forum and seen people who know what theyre tlaking about critique others screenplays, saying things like "dont describe what they look like.." etc. There really isnt a need for it. Because, forexample, you have their ages down, but that means that if this ws in the hands of someone looking for a cast, they would have to look for specific people who are 19,20,18 years old etc. But from what i have read so far, i can say its pretty good. I will have a full review after i read it. An d please, dont take what i said above, personally. Thanks.

I wouldnt take anything anyone says to personally. I put the screenplay on here for people to give me their honest opinions so that maybe I can grow as a screenwritter.

Anyhow, I look foward to reading what you think when you are finished.

I had big problems with this script.  I felt that the scenes were taken from different stories and thrown together here.  It was very disjointed.  After reading it, I found myself very confused over the whole thing.  I still don't know what or who the big bad was.  It's one thing to be mysterious, but you have to give us a clue.  You mentioned behavioral therapy (or something) very briefly, but you don't mention why it's going on now.

It was about twenty-five pages into the script before anything even happened.  You spent a lot of time giving us background information about the hospital and the characters and you don't even refer to this information later on.

You spent too much time describing what's going on in the characters' heads.  You can't film Bonnie 'thinking that she should wash the chicken parts before cooking, remembering how her aunt died of salmonella.'


Phil (the Simon Cowell of this group)

Phil (the Simon Cowell of this group)

Yeah, but's that's kind of what's needed to help writers improve, you know.
If everyone is like Paula Abdul or Randy Jackson, no one would improve their writing.

Yeah, but if we were all like Paula Abdul, we'd all be hot!!


Phil

I was turned off by the first page.  V.O's do not work.  Only if a movie has fuck -up's.  In a screenplay, V.O's yells:  "I don't know how to tell this story."  Revise you work dude before you send it out to public.

You all make very good points. And thanks a bunch for all the feedback, I really appreciate it.

And dont worry about sounding to mean. This is what I posted the screenplay here for. I am trying to grow as a writer and all the honest comments really help.

My biggest problem with this script is that I couldn't tell who or what the big evil was or why the hospital is cursed.  The evil is supernatural in origin, but that's about it.  I can only guess thtat the boy died in the hospital and plays an important role.


Phil

This script was SCARY. I couldn't even go to sleep at night after reading the script. All of the details were described perfectly and when you read on, you see the peices of the story getting put together as you read along.

The thing that is the "biggest" positive is all the characters. They are individually unique and they do portray real people. There is a lot of tension between the character at some moments, and that was interesting. I was amazed that Amy was the main character. I thought'd it be Charlie or Frankie, but it was the girl who cheated on her boyfriend that was the main character. But as the story goes along, you see how the characters really feel. I could tell Amy was as innocent as all good girls are as she kept on crying and crying and saying "Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."

Creepy ending, that's what kept me up all night.

I hope this is helpful.

E.T.