Desideratum by Randy Robinson (bare nerve) - Short, Drama - The story of an abused husband who wishes his wife dead. - pdf, format 8)

I would really appreciate any feedback on this script.

Thanks in advance!

It's kind of late here, but this does look interesting.  I'll give it a read tomorrow and post some comments.

Mike.

Great. I look forward to your feedback.

I like the whole concept, pretty dark.  It was a quick read, but it was kind of boring in the sense that nothing happened, only in his head.  I didn't really feel for Richard because I didn't know much about him.

This is more of a story of what if and a story that pretty much takes place in Richards head, not a bad thing, but it'd be hard to film.  I like to see actual things happen and not just have someone talk about them the whole time.

I do however like the whole idea and the different possibilities that Richard thinks of.  Maybe a little more interaction between the two instead of so many voice overs would help.

The formatting was good and the grammer and spelling was good for the most part, there are a few spelling mistakes that I saw.

Overall a pretty nice short that poses many questions and gives no real answers.  Be kind of hard to film, but that might not be the point here.  Good job overall though.

Mike.

Yeah, I look forward to seeing it in "Revenant".

Thanks for the feedback.

By the way, Revenant is a different film. It will be feature length. This short will be part of an anthology (maybe) that is currently untitled.

I really liked the whole concept - especially the way the woman comes across initially as a complete monster, but then you realise that she is hurting and his desire to kill her is partly to put her out of her misery. I don't think it matters that this all takes place inside his head, but in my opinion there was far too much 'narration', at times it read like short story rather than a film. Do you really need to have him say all the different deaths he has thought of as well as showing them? Could you flashback to what happened to their son rather than have him tell us about it? I reckon this could work equally well without any, or just minimal, narration.

I noticed a couple of typos as I read through, nothing major but you might want to just proofread it again.

Showing what happened to the son instead of just having him tell us is a good idea. I will see what I can do with that. I will also take into consideration the other things you said Shonagh.

Thanks!

Anyone else have any feedback?

Once I get microsoft word back I will read it.

It's a good script. If I made this into a film, there would be some amazing camera angles in this. There is to much narration. I would have some more interaction between the wife and Richard. What would be really cool is that you don't have Richard tell the audience how the son died. But show us. It would make the scene more powerfull. The dialouge kinda needs to be revised a few more times to really get inside the character. I'll give you some advise. If you direct the script, it will help you understand some of the feelings inside these characters. I would like to see the point of view of the wife. Like what does she really think of Richard. You had a great idea of getting inside of Richards head but don't do it to much. I would show some of the goodtimes that these two had together. But anyway, it's a good script and I like the idea. Keep up the good work.

Originally, we werent planning to film this but evetually we decided that it would be a good idea if we did. There are so many thing we could do with the script.

Also, I am currently working on another draft. I am trying to take out some of the narration, show more interaction between the two characters and deal more with the son. I also want the audience to feel a little more sympothy for Mel (the wife) although not to much because I dont want Richard to look like a complete monster, ya know. I'm not sure when the new draft will be available because I am busy with other projects.

I have also been thinking of a follow up to the story but from the wife's point of view. I havent started writting it though because I am currently busy with Revenant and Tocsin.

And I look forward to your feedback, Wesley. I hope all gets better with you comp.

So here's a few things I thought while I was reading, strictly as a reader.

Possible Spoilers..........
















What's with numbering the scene headings? I've seen it done in shooting drafts but that's not what this is. There are a couple spelling errors that spellcheck should find, I dont have spellcheck cause i dont have word right now.

You have an interior of various parts of the house, why not just use the parts of the house?

In her eyes I am merely a live in beast of burden - This line to me anyway doesn't read, it's to much. It just doesn't flow well when I think about it.

She refers to herself as sick, is she? How can he be a pervert by going into the washroom with his WIFE, maybe you made the girl Mel a little to much of an alcoholic haha

That's really all that I could find wrong with the story, other than that it was solid.

Again I'm brought back to the fact that writing shorts are a waste of talent, you should take your shorts and place them in a larger script than at least people can get a more clear view.

It wasn't bad but like all short scripts it lacks real substance, I enjoyed it and was entertained for the 10 minutes or so it took to read but I'm left with the empty feeling that comes along with shorts. When you read a feature by the end you feel fulfilled even if it's bad but shorts don't do that for me anyway.

With that said keep up the good work, it had the weird feeling about it and I could picture most of what happened as something that could happen and the dialogue was good for the picture and the mood was also good.

Thanks for the feedback, Wesley.

I am a terrible speller. I know this - lol. But sometimes spell check doesn't get everything, I guess. But, hey, I do better than most.

I imagined that when she refered to herself being sick, she was only trying to make him feel worse. It seems as though she hates him but she cant live with out him.

The reason she calls him a pervert when he comes in the bathroom on her is because that is where their relationship is at the point. Just like she doesnt even want him in their bedroom. I think that her saying that works fine, but I will play with it and see if something better comes out.

But, anyhow, thanks for all the feedback, Wesley. It's appreciated.

The only reason she hates him is because they lost a child? Why not try again? Maybe. Those kinds of things usually do rip families apart but not all, they try again sometimes but I guess if the wife becomes a severe alcoholic it ruins plans.

The reason she started drinking and taking pills (hinted at in one of the imaginary deaths) is because they lost a child. Her drinking and depression (caused by losing the child) are what causes her to act so hateful toward Richard.

I know their relationship may seem far fetched but a friend of mine lost a child last year at the age of five months. She got on the same track as Mel did. Her and her husband evetually worked things out and she got help, but their marriage almost ended. Desideratum isnt exactly based on this true story, more like inspired. I dont think my friends husband ever plotted to kill her - lol.

But thanks for all the feedback, Wesley. And everyone else who has posted or will post.

CONSIDER EVERYTHING I WRITE A SPOILER, EVEN IF IT ISN'T....

Given the subject of this piece, a guy's imprisonment in a loveless marriage, I would say to make it longer.  Every scene could've been longer to allow deeper feelings to rise up.  The way this was written kind of had a feel for a trailer for the same story.

To me, Richard is just a drama queen.  He wants to be miserable.  If he doesn't want to leave his shitty life, then that's his problem, not mine.

You should show more of Melissa and how she makes him miserable.  Yelling for a refill isn't enough.  And why does he take it?  As Ann Landers once said, 'Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission.'  At the same time, show some spark of hope between them.  There has to be something redeemable to make the reader/viewer care.  In 'Throw Momma From A Train,' Owen's mother would atleast say nice things to him on occasion.  Right now, there's no reason for Richard to stay.

A couple of things I recommend that you do:

First, make them older.  They're in their mid-twenties.  They're young enough to get divorced and get on with their lives.  If they were about forty (and married for ten or fifteen years), divorce would be a harder choice to make as you've invested half your life in the marriage.  Also, you'd have greater doubts that you would find someone else at this age.

Show something positive about Melissa.  Maybe Richard could find her asleep clutching a framed photo  of the two of them and Andrew.  If we have absolutely no hope that she is redeemable, then it won't matter much if he kills her.

When Richard looks at the box of rat poisoning, take advantage of the scene.  The box could have a drawing of a rat on it and Richard could get into a staring contest with it.

All in all, I think this script would be better told as a poem than a screenplay.  It's all conflicted feelings, which doesn't always show well on the screen.


Phil

I am reading this now...

SPOILERS

1) I like the dialouge and how you have this all set up. Takes another view of life instead of the husband always being a drunk.
2) Damn the wife was a bitch..
3) i love the VoiceOvers.. for some reason i am a fan of them and i like how you did yours. if u read frozen you will see i do the same also. but good work on that. One more thing i like about it is how you explain his emotions that a +10 points.
4) i like the hair dryer vision also.... when i was reading i thought he really did it. nice work
5) Oh my god... i died haha
6) i also would of made it a little longer.... identify more details of the marriage and such.. it would ass more drama at the end

Here is my rating for this:

Dialouge- 9/10
Setting- 10/10
Characters- 10/10
Ending- 9/10 (i know it is a short but it did come rather quick for me)
Conflicts- 20/10

My overall score to you is: 57/50

The good definitly took advantage and outweighed the bad. Nice Job.

Andrew

Thanks for all the helpful feedback, everyone.

I have actually changed some of the script. I have more interaction between Richard and Mel and hint more at the good times they once had. I wrote in a little more sympothy for Mel. I have also explained more of why Richard wont leave her.

Hopefully, I will be able to post the updated version soon.

Had a read of this at work today and thought you did a good job. I warn you, spoilers below!










SPOILERS

Firstly, I was surprised that the Richard and Mel were in their mid twenties, the feeling I got from them both, just made me think they were older, in their 30's at least given their history. Though a somewhat depressing story, it was very emotional and I thought you did a great job of showing this man's dilemma about his life and family.

Richard was well written and I liked the use of voice over to tell the story as it was happening. Easy to visualise and easy to read. his dialogue was excellent, I might add.

It was easy to feel sorry for Richard and the thoughts of him killing his wife were understandable, given the state of their relationship - in other words, you made it real and raw, I like that. I also like the way initially Mel was potrayed as a sort of bully to him, but later he explained more about her and why she is the way she is, which struck a chord with me. He still loves her and is able to see where she is hurting and why, even though he is treated very badly. made his dilemma all the more harder and made us feel more sympathetic to him, even though he is contemplating murder.

The journal was a clever way to serve as an emotional outlet too and at times I thought it could have been good to have her sneak up on him to startle him as he was writing to break his flow more and see how he would handle the questioning about what he was writing and if she demanded seeing it. But that might have taken it too far off course. It still made me contemplate that scenario, much like the way he kept contemplating the various ways she could die.

The scene in the child's bedroom was sad, but it worked because you kept it silent. Actions in this case spoke louder than words.

The electrocution fantasy was good  and I thought you worked it in well.

The ending was good too and I'm glad you didn't get to find out what happened next, as you were left feeling how Richard felt, undecided.

Well done,
Andyx

Thanks for the great review, Andy! I'm glad you liked it!

Hey Randy,

Do you have anymore revisions on this you'd like me to read? Let me know if you do.

Andy

Desideratum has been updated and posted. This version is a little longer, shows more of the relationship and this time we actually feel a little sorry for Melissa.

I look foward to reading all your feedback.

Enjoy!

Hey Randy,

Re-read the revisions in this. You're right, you have made it possible to feel more sorry for Melissa now. I think it's better this way. I think it's very similar to the last version you sent me, but quite a bit different to the one that was posted up here originally.

I thought adding Andrew at the end was also quite poignant too. I think you should keep that in. Good job, I think it's still an emotive piece.

I noticed the following spelling mistakes...

" I cerebrate the many ways she would die" - do you mean to say celebrate???

"Richard rests in face against the side of Melissa's..." - I think you mean to say rests his face.

"Richard looks at the gun which is tighly griped in his hand" - I think you mean to say gripped.

Keep me posted should you need or want another review here.

Andy

Hello, Andy. Thanks for the great feedback.

I meant to use the word crerebrate (meaning - to think). But thanks for the other two mistakes you pointed out. I will change those.

I'm glad you liked the addition of Andrew at the end. I wasnt sure if that was pushing it to far but I really liked it liked that.


All other feedback welcome!

Quoted from bare_nerve I meant to use the word crerebrate (meaning - to think).

Doh! I knew I wasn't sure about that word! Best of luck with this, I hope you get a break with it.

;D

Randy, I loved this script besides a few spelling mistakes. It was overall pretty good, but a little boring at some parts.

Dialouge: 9/10
Setting: 9/10
Drama: 20/20
Characterization: 9.5/10
Total: 47.5/50

I'm glad you liked the script, CompTechFilms. I know there are few spelling mistakes but I'm not the best speller in the world. But oh well, I still get the job done.

Which parts of the screenplay did you find boring?